So lets take this story back a few years, back to the day I meet Aaron. I was hanging out with one of the girlfriends, and she was out looking for Mr. Bud. (Now all my life I have lived with Bud, he was my mother’s first choice.) We whipped into a store where this 1977 Chevy Nova, white with red hood, and a red head in the driver seat. She jumped out and went to the window and begin talking to this guy I didn’t know. I kept looking over there curious as to what was being said. She waved me out of the truck and yelled "lock it up". So that I did, we jumped into this car with this guy. She said "Aasta this is Aaron." I said hello kinda quietly as so did he. We drove around and enjoyed Mr. Bud. I say about a few weeks passed and I was up at the local laundry mat, why I see this car keep driving by with two guys. I told my girlfriend lets go out side and see who the hell keeps driving by. So next time they came around Nikki and I just hollered out some obscenities as normal girls do. (lmao) They stop and I saw that the driver was Aaron. So I was nice and we chatted a few minutes and they left. A few more weeks passed and I was at another friends house. Desperate for a ride home because it was so hot outside I wasn’t about to walk all the way home. So my friend called a friend for a ride. I go out to wait and guess what ...guess who the friend was ...Aaron. We became very close friends after that. He lived a block up the road from my house. He became my best friend. We go every Sunday and do something together. Now all this time I never had "those" feelings for him. Was strictly "Friends" ...no make that "Best Friends" for I told him everything. We remained friends for about 2 years when I get this letter from him telling me his "true feelings" for me. This letter brought me to my knees, for I had never thought that he ever felt this way. Yes I wasn’t stupid, I was blinded by us being just "friends". A week later is when I left for Texas.
So back to the start of my last post. It’s 2:00 a.m. and I run from my house up to his to let him know I was "home" for good. His little brother answered the door which shocked me silly. What the hell was he doing up so late? He had a friend over and they had been up playing video games. So he went and got Aaron up. The look on his face was priceless. I was exhausted from the drive anyways, but it took that run to his place and I was wide awake. We spent the whole night talking about my experience back in TX. Weeks went on and we hung out everyday. I was at his place or he was at mine. Still not letting him know that I was starting to have "those feelings" for him.
Come October of 98' I moved in with him. Still only "friends". It wasn’t long that I was having a lot of female problems that the Dr. put me on Estrogen (worst thing that ever happened to me ever I hate it hate hate hate it!) I was a mess, one minute laughing the next crying the next wanting to fight. I was truly a mess. Aaron didn’t know what to do with me except listen when I needed it. We both where seeing other people which really pissed him off (I found out after we got together) because I would bring my b/f home and well I wasn’t very quiet in bed. (Bad Me) Jannetta showed up and wanted to start hanging out again. So of course I was thrilled as hell. Here I had my two best friends and we could have a blast. Little did I know that Jannetta was wanting to hang out because she wanted Aaron. One night she decided to spend the night with us. I assumed she was going to sleep with me because how strange would it be for her to sleep with Aaron in his bed. Well much to my surprise that is exactly what she wanted. Aaron. I was pissed as hell. Plus being on this "estrogen" shit I really wanted to fight. They went to the bedroom and I sat outside all night crying my eyes out. How could she come in and invade my space and how could he let her? Why was I so upset, why can’t I go to sleep, why am I sitting at the door to his room listening for "those" sounds? Come 6am I couldn’t take it much longer. I heard the alarm go off and Jannetta get up to head off to work. I didn’t even say goodbye to her ...not one word, but like the saying goes "if looks could kill" MINE would have at that moment. As soon as she was out the gate I ran to his bed. Crawled into his bed and let everything out, tears and all. He was so shocked ....so ....just unexpected of what I was saying. He told me that they didn’t do anything, but he did kiss her goodbye and felt strange but okay about it. Since that day and to this day I have been at his side. He was/is my love, my other half, my best friend. It still took me a lot of time to really be attractive to him. I loved him, I didn’t want him, I loved him with all my heart and wasn’t going to let some "women" come take that away. Of course his feelings where as they where when I left, he was hopelessly in love with me. And says he still is to this day. I just remember all those feelings I had, and in that one moment time just stood still as I released every feeling I had. We where a perfect fit together, the "Double A’s" *laffs*
Now in the last few years we have ran into problems. We are trying to work through it but sometimes I can not see the light, or maybe I try not to. He is addicted to Mr. Bud as was my mother. I can’t say that’s what our "biggest" problem is but it has a lot to do with it. Sure I like, no love Mr. Bud too, even though he can be very bad ...but oh so good. When it takes you for every penny you have ....that’s way past the limit. Aaron likes to tell me that he can’t "function" without it, but what a lame excuse is that? I still have so much I want to see and do, yet he rather not. We fight most the time anymore. And yes some is stupid shit, but most the time it’s r/l issues. I have tried for years to just let things be. Maybe he is right half the time. Maybe I am wrong more than I like to think I am. But anymore I see that I just can’t do it and I run and hide. I keep myself busy with work all the time. But how long can I do that? I have tried every aspect I have to get us on the same page again, and yeah it works for a week then he gets upset and goes back to the old ways. I keep changing, I gave up all the friends I had, all the guy friends I had, I think of him first and yet still ....still I can’t get him on the same page. About a few months ago I was going to leave him. It wasn’t a threat it was the real thing. No tears, no yelling, I calmly sat down with him and told him enough was enough. He in turned promise me that he would change and help me with the house and bills. That I was the only thing in his life that was good, how he would wither if I was to leave him. He would be a stronger man, he would take better care of his self and me. That lasted till about last week when things went back to the same old same old. I am so lost as to what to do. I want to go and spread my wings, but would it be better for me, yet 7 yrs ....7 yrs, how can I throw that away. True love ...really how can I just dismiss that because of my wants and needs. Can’t I find a middle ground with him? Can I get up in life with him? All these questions and more I have day end and day out in my head. I just keep my chin high and keep on.
He asked me Sunday, "When are we going to start a family?" WTF???????? I was shocked. All this time together and since the day we became a couple the one thing about me that never changed is that I do not want children. I have never wanted them. Even when all the girls I knew wanted a baby, I was always like "Your stupid". And since I have been working at my current job I have done over 100 divorces, so guess what ...I don’t want to get married either. Wooohooo Aasta! But here he is asking these questions to me out of the blue. The next question that followed was a tough one for me and I still do not have an answer, "Why are we together then?" I have to think about this one. I love him yes, but if I can’t give him what he wants or get what I want ...what are we doing?
As I look above I didn’t think this would be as long as it is, so I must stop it here and pick up on it again soon.
~sensual kisses~
7 comments:
Wow sweetheart. Totally been there. I ran away after three years of the same stuff. I was lucky though. I was running toward someone who was allergic to Mr. Bud. LOL!
And you know, don't let Aaron's life choices be what holds you down. If Aaron was sober and reliable in his word (if you could trust him), maybe your mind would be different on marriage and family. Remember, I too said I would never get married or have kids.
I'm not going to say, you should leave. It sounds like he's reaching out in what he wants from you in this relationship. If that is what is going to be the defining moment in your relationship and he wants to end it because you don't want kids, then that will be his choice. Not yours and you will know that you had stayed and tried to make it work. That's my opinion. I'm sure Mr. Anonymous has a lot to say too. *wink*
*Many tight squeezes* You're not alone either babydoll.
Thank you soo much sweetie! *much love*
All I can say is WOW! and Damn! And I'm sorry........
I want to write more, but I am having issues with this piece of shit box on a desk I sometimes call a computer, so I will write tomorrow.
Hang in there though, Aasta, okay?
Hi Aasta
I just had to re-read your post to let it all sink in. Now, I can make a more intelligent comment than I would have last night.
First of all I am sorry you are going through this, it's a bitch to deal with, I know. But, hang in there and things will work out.
Now, on to my thoughts: I don't think Aaron's friend Mr. Bud is the problem. It might be A problem, but I think it's a symptom of a bigger one. He seems to retreat to that to avoid his life and the lack of direction in it. It would be like alcahol or any other form of escape for someone to retreat from what is really bugging him.
As far as him asking about starting a family, I can only guess on that one. You say you have made it clear that you didn't want one right from the start. That may be true. I only have your word on that, so I believe you. Maybe, Aaron thought that time would change your feelings on the subject? When you got together you were 17. Is it possible he thought that since you're 25 now, your view might have changed? If he still knows your views, then he might be using that as a way to "strengthen" your love for each other. That does not work. Having a child in the middle of relationship problems will only add to the stress and eventually lead to a seperation.
But, his last question was a good one for both of you to think about. When you told him last that you wanted to leave, you did so in a calm manner? No anger, resentment in any of it from your end? What was his reaction when you told him? Did he cry? Did he look hurt by your decision? If both of you can look each other in the eye without hurt, resentment or anything to that effect, and say to each other it might be time to go your seperate ways.....then I think it would be time to go.
I'm sorry if that hurts, but it is the truth. If there is not enough fight in both of you to fix the problems, then it would be time to move on. It cannot be a one sided fix. Both of you have to work on things daily.
Both of you seem to be on different pages. He might want a family and you do not. If having a family is something he desperately wants and you cannot give that to him, then for him to stay with you would be sacraficing something so important to him. And he would continue to hurt, which I am sure he is doing.
I think you need to sit down with him and ask each other what you want from this relationship. Each of you should write it down and compare notes. Somethings are give and take. Others are not. You have to decide if you can both be happy together with or without some of the things each of you want. I hope that makes sense. For example, how much of a priority in the realtionship is a baby to you and how much to Aaron. Are either of you willing to budge on the topic to the other's side? The same would go for any other big issue you might have with each other.
I can go on and on, but then I would have to write on you blog as well. If you need me to explain more, you know how to find me. You have my e-mail address, and I am always here.
Hello Brandon,
Thank you for a great post. I have spoke nothing but the truth in this post. So You know *smiles*
I have sat down with him about a year ago and tried that "list" thing. He hated it, said I was being stupied, and childish "Cause who really does this shit?" I in turn said it would help us, and he shut that door.
I will try it once again with the family. And really my view about family and marriage have never changed. I'm just not that type of girl I guess. 7 yrs without protection and no baby says a lot to me. I feel that having a child is not in my stars, this world is so full of hate, I would hate to bring a child into that. Yes, I do have so much love *smiles*, but that still is not justifcation to have a child. I can't barley afford the things I have to pay now, and to put a baby witht hat would really screw me over big time. I pay the phone bill, electric, food bill, animal bill, my car bill, my insurance ...and more ....Aaron doens't help me with any of it. He pays the water, and his Mr. Bud ....oh and his cell. See how fair is that, yet I do not pick a fight about it. I do not ask him for money. My job, no my carrer is taking off and I am making more money now than ever before. I know if I could get a head life would be grand, but here I am stuck in a rut.
But I thank You for the post. I apreciate everything You and Michelle have to say. *much love*
Settle down there Babe Ruth!
Put down the bat and step slowly away from the plate, okay?
If it came across that I was jumping on you or something to that effect, forgive me as that was not my intention.
From all you have said in your last comment, my suggestion would be for you to leave. He is not pulling his own weight and he seems to refuse to do so. It is NOT your fault that you're in the situation you are in. He seems to be keeping you stuck in that position. So, if he is unwilling to change and do so quickly for something more than 1 week, then you need to do what is best for you and not him.
Yes, 7 years is a long time to be with someone. But the question I have would be: does it feel like you or Aaron are in this relationship today mainly because you were in it yesterday?
Just some more for you to think about. If he is unwilling to do whatever it takes to fix things which includes the "stupid list" as he put it, then move on Aasta. You deserve so much better than what you are getting. I can safely say that even though I don't know you really well yet.
Hang in there, Michelle and I are here if you need us. Do you have our home phone # just in case you want or need to call? If not, one of us can get it to you.
*lol* Babe Ruth!*lol*
Well I am not that bad.... am I. I swear I didn't have a bat in hand while writing back to your post. *smiles* and you didn't come off like You where jumping on me. I love Your posts. Always! I will write more later about Your last post and what I thought about it next week. I promise! *much love!*
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