One Thing After Another

It’s funny how life works. And really you can stop and see it day to day. Or like that expression goes "When it rains it pours" well that is very true. As you might have read in my last post I have been dealing with my brother Scott. It’s been very tough on my heart and soul. Now it’s even worst than I ever had imaged. I had to cut him off completely last Friday and then again this Monday. The hardest thing I have ever done because all I want to do is make it all better for him. Give him everything he wants and needs. But I can’t and I won’t anymore. Friday was very bad for me. I had the day off from work and was expecting a great weekend.

Nope not this time sweetie.

My mother came over to borrow some money from me. I had spoken with her about how Scott keeps taking and taking and that I wouldn’t have nothing to give if he didn’t let up on it. She in turn said she was taking him to Springfield on her way back from my house. (Great great great is all I thought). So she comes and brings her buddy "Big Scott" and my Scott with her. We where sitting at the couch just chatting and whatnot when mom says "Honey we need to have a family meeting just the 5 of us." "Why mom what is going on that I don’t know about?" "Well your brother says that you tell me all lies about him" (Scott is sitting right next to me with his back to me) "What lies mom, I haven’t lied to you since I was 14" "I know hon but Scott says you are lying about him" I look right at his back and said "So Scott tell me what "lies" i have said to mom....". (part of the story that I forgot to add ....Scott had borrowed on of Dusty’s shirts and cut off the long sleeves because it was hot. This was Dusty’s favorite shirt so of course he was pissed to find it cut. He told Scott I think Thursday not to ever borrow anything from him and that in his eyes he doesn’t have a brother. Which hurt a lot but Scott has borrowed and destroyed a lot of buds stuff. .....so back to the story.) "Like the shirt thing, Dusty told me I could cut the sleeves if I got hot." "Scott that is a bunch of shit for I know damn well he would never say that, that was his favorite shirt. Further more you should respect other peoples stuff." "Fuck you Aasta, you don’t know a fucking thing!" What WHAT what ........ Oh was I pissed. I hoped off the couch and told him to get the hell out and to never come back. He doesn’t respect me nor my home. I slammed the door on him for he was still cursing a storm at me. I was shaking and wanted to kill him. Mom is all like "Oh dear, he is going to do it." "Do what mom?" "Kill himself" "WTF ever mom, he is too much of a coward to do such a thing and he only says that to you because he wants the pity party you always give him." "He is my son what am I to do." "He is my brother and you just saw what I did." Phone rings ..I pick it up ...sure enough it’s Scott. "I want to talk to MY mother!" "What are you going to tell her?" "None of your fucking business just give mom the phone!" "Don’t talk to me like that for one, and two WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY TO HER????" "Just tell her to come pick me up before I throw myself in front of a car." I laughed and handed her the phone. I know him like the back of my hand. He wouldn’t even do that, and even if he did I doubt in the small town that a car would kill him. Speed limit where he was at (outside my house) is 25. I was pissed yet amused all at once. How dare he do this to her. He knows what health she is in. How dare he even do it to me, how dare him. Mom got off and said he was going to sit down the road and wait for her. "Mom why do you let him get to you?" "I can’t help it, it’s my son." "And I am your daughter ....your only daughter ...the one that takes care of everyone, would you listen to me if I was in his shoes?" "Oh honey I know you would never say those things." "But if I did you would allow it?" "Well yes." "Okay promise me if I ever was like that you would put me in my place and not let me do that to you. Can you promise?" "Yes for you I will."

He doesn’t even think about what if he did kill himself. How would mom react, Dusty, or me. How would I manage it all? What more problems that would create for me. It kills me that he is so selfish.

Monday he showed up at my office. Said he was so sorry for what he said to me and that he was so mad at himself. I calmly told him this ..."Scott until you can respect my home, Aaron, your mother, your brother and myself I can’t have anything to do with you. When and I mean when ..you get your life back in order and your nose clean come see me then and we will talk to see if I can have you in my life. I am not saying this to hurt you nor to upset you. I have to do this or I will keep tearing myself apart." He kissed me goodbye and left. I broke down bad like. Lucky my co-worker Cindy was there and she held on to me till I stopped weeping. This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. How can I do this to him? We have always been so close. Even as kids he and I was always with each other, leaving poor Dusty to the curb. Why is it so different now? Dusty and I are now closer than ever. Could be because he lives with Aaron and I, but still.

But that wasn’t the only thing that happen this weekend. So much more bad stuff all into one big ball and thrown my way. I might write more about it all later. I just wanted to share this and let it off of my head. I still am in so much pain right now. I don’t even want to do anything. I told my friend the other day I feel like all my energy has left my body and is floating around waiting to return to me. Maybe this weekend ...yes this weekend or someone will have hell to pay.

~salty kisses~