Tainted Love's Escape

Happy Holiday Weekend!!!

2009-05-22T20:37:00.002-05:00

Well Hello ......

So I thought this picture my brother did of me on his iphone

was pretty fucking sweet! And I had to share it here.

I am good, happy to have a three day weekend.

Been freaking addicted to Farm Town on facebook, it's pretty sad. ~giggles~

~sweet summer kisses~

My New Tattoo

2009-04-26T21:04:00.004-05:00

I love it! This is the 1st day after.

Notice the little bit of red. But man is it hott!

~giggles~

Dusty's is pretty sweet too.

He has a picture up on his myspace.

~*~*~*~

Ah Sunday. It was nice. Made a big dinner for my brother's birthday.

Aaron mowed, love that smell!

Well i just wanted to share this.

~wicked midnight love~

Going Out Tonight

2009-04-17T18:21:00.005-05:00

The second one means elder sister ...my next tattoo ...for my little brother. He is getting the symbol for little brother. cool beans huh?

Yes finally a night away. We (Kim, Jacob, Beau & Aaron ..on and me) are going bowling! Sweet action. I promise to take pictures to share.

The weather is great today. But rain and storms are moving in. Good thing that I am working some of tomorrow. Indoors away from that shit.

Aaron is so happy to have hig-speed now. X-Box Live ...OHHHHHOOOHHH. ~laffs~ I told him not to become this monster. I'll have to beat him down if it starts. ~WEG~

~sexy spring lovin~

Wicked

2009-04-16T18:11:00.000-05:00

I'm back my lovely bicthes!

~grins~

Yes finally I am back online and full of excitement.

I have missed this for too long now.

I am well ...if not better than before.

I have so much to say.

Yet the words have left me ...

Anyhoo ...I hope you all had a great Easter.

~wicked love~

Bella Don Jonesy

2007-12-11T15:51:00.001-06:00

Isn't she the cutest?

My first "toy" dog, a shitz tzu.

I wanted to share her with you all.

I love her to death.

All else my way going good.

Didn't lose power during this crazy ice storm we got.

That's good!

I do have a lot to write, just no time yet to do it.

But it's coming ...soon I hope!!!!

~wicked love to the wicked~

Life is Peachy ....

2007-09-12T10:57:00.000-05:00

The post below is the effect of me being pushed to my limit. I apologize for my attitude but still stand by everything I said. It’s so sad that someone could take the time, read through all my posts and pick out the bad things to tell Aaron, never touching on anything good I wrote about or how much I love Aaron and would do anything for him. Who of which (Aaron) has no interest in my blog anyways. (Still after all this, Aaron could careless about this blog of mine that I love) I have spent time re-reading things and decided what is the point. It’s funny because this wasn’t the first time I got into a argument over MY blog. The first was because my friend did not want me to write about her or her family. Now it’s like this new person doesn’t want me to write about MY life. Give it a break. I’m not going to stop and nothing will change.

~*~*~*~

So it’s been sometime since I have wrote about MY life and the shit that’s been going on. Let’s start with good things and leave the bad for last. I finally rented and reserved the church were Aaron and I are going to get married, it’s two blocks from the house. It is SOOOOO beautiful and most church’s give the hebegebees, not this one. I felt so much warmth from it’s walls. Another cool thing is that the preacher has to do the ceremony. I was going to have a friend that is ordained do it and I was going to write the whole thing, but now I can mark that off my list and let the preacher man do his stuff. It works out really nicely because Aaron was wanting the traditional ceremony anyways. (I think he thought I would write a crazy ceremony) We don’t have to do marriage classes (thank you!), but he does want to meet once with Aaron and myself. Aaron wasn’t around when I got to go and take care of things. Basically he said he wanted to just talk to us about divorce and how in his and God’s eyes that is not a solution. He was shocked to hear that I do divorces all the time in my work and that Aaron and I have been together so long. It was a nice experience to talk to him that day, he made me feel so comfortable which I was terrified I wouldn’t be. I’m looking forward to sitting down with him with Aaron.
Everything will be at the church so I won’t have to go to two or three different locations. The church is big enough for a huge wedding though ours is not that big. I’ve been fighting with myself if I should do an announcement in the paper before or after. If I was to do it before I would be afraid of how many people would read it then show for the day. So I am leaning to doing it after. I wouldn’t mind if I had the money to throw a lavish wedding and invite every single person that wants to come, but since miss money bags is paying for it all herself I just can’t take that chance. Though what we are almost five months away, things are coming together nicely. I went yesterday to talk to the florist about flowers. The one that I really wanted has turned out to be very expensive if I wanted the real thing, which is lily of the valley. The flowers come in in a bunch of ten stocks, one stock costs around $10, so for ten stocks that would bring the total to $100, and that’s not even the final price. So I broke my heart and decided I better keep looking at different flowers. Another sucky thing is a lot of the flowers I enjoy will not be in season come February. Now for the flowers for the boys, mothers’, etc, the price is cheap and good. It’s just mine that will be pricy. It almost makes me want to grow a nursery of flowers so I can do it all myself, but that won’t happen. *giggles*

Mom and me went over food items. She is wanting to do a lot of it on her own. I keep telling her the less I have her do the more she can enjoy the day with me. I don’t want her taking care of everything and running around that day with her head chopped off. Hell I need her to be with me some of the day. *giggles* So I have this place in mind that can do almost half of the catering with very good prices so I’m not spending a fortune. All the food really will be finger food. Now I need to start tasting different champagne to see which kind I would want. I think for the liquor part I’m just going to tell our friends that really want to hit it heavy to walk their asses down to the house and have at it. It will be cold so by the time the get there get liquored up and walk back to the church they’ll be mighty warm. So now I’ve been picking up liquor by the bottle when it’s on sale. It’s going to work nicely because come February I’ll have plenty of booze for the boozers. *laughs* Aaron and I aren’t much of drinkers, so to have hard liquor at the wedding didn’t feel right. The only thing now is I have to clean house before then and put a sign to not flush toilet paper on the bathroom door. (Our plumbing sucks dick) I think otherwise everything will fall together. I still need to buy shoes, jewelry, and misc. stuff but that will come.

~*~*~*~

Work is starting to slow down a little bit. Our office is unique by that we don’t have very many working here, a total of five employees (including the bossman) and three of them are part-timers. Mel is city attorney for twelve towns here in Missouri, plus he does family law, criminal law, traffic law, and many other areas. I am the one that works on mostly everything. So as you can image my head is always spinning. I am always amazed at him for keeping up on it all and it drives me to do the same. I think that is one of the reasons I don’t take time off work as much as I probably should. And when I do take a day off I feel a little guilty not being there. I am so proud of myself for being so dedicated. Though some days I just want to throw my phone and computer out the window and watch them burn baby ...burn!!! *giggles wickedly*

~*~*~*~

I really don’t have anything bad to say. So I won’t say anything at all. Life seems peachy my way and I pray it stays that way for a little bit that is. Everyone has their ups and downs and no one should judge them for that. Though I still feel I am being judged, I’ll suck it up and deal with it my way.

~smooches of the fall kind~

Drama Drama ...and Some Heavy Liftin'

2007-09-11T09:21:00.000-05:00

First off I don’t write here hoping to please anyone except myself. It was brought to my attention that a new visitor to my blog told Aaron that I was "bad mouthing" his family. Hummm ...when did I do that? I went back reading some of my older posts and I still don’t know what the fuck they are talking about. Aaron says he read it so I asked him when did I write it so I can read it again? He of course didn’t have an answer. Then my next question was when the fuck do you ever read my blog? Again he didn’t have an answer.

So fuck off! Don’t come here and try to use my blog against me because your pissed off at someone else. It’s not my fucking fault. I have never said anything nasty about Aaron’s family, if I said anything it’s that I don’t like to go to his family events because all the girls do is gossip about everyone. Hello ... that’s the truth and not a lie and not something nasty to say. Something about his family holding me back ???? WTF????? I don’t get that one. Maybe I said Aaron held me back from wanting to explore the world as a flight attendant but that’s old news. I could write lots of nasty shit in here, but I don’t. I try to keep things personal to me here. But now it’s like why fucking do that, it could be used against me in the future. I guess the only great thing about this is I have a history here and I can go back to my first post if I want to and re-read it. No one can go into my account and change what I wrote, it’s all here. So to the person who came to this site and tried to use my words to piss Aaron off at me ...go on ...find some more shit to share with him. I have nothing to HIDE!

~*~*~*~

I am sick and tired of the drama. SICK AND TIRED! I’m tired of people hiding behind lies and drama. I sick of people starting drama and spreading lies. I’m tired of defending things I have said and defending my opinions. They are my own and I am FREE to fucking feel the way I feel. I work hard for everything in my life ...I work even hard when needed and when I’m pissed the fuck off!

Here’s a song that brightens my mood ...

I hit the ground runnin' with the mornin' sun

When a job needs doing I get it done

I show up early And I go home late

Everybody knows I pull my weight

'Cause I don't mind doing

A little heavy liftin'

I'm always givin'

My everything

Even when I'm hurtin' I keep on workin'

And as long as I'm still alive and kickin'

I'll be stickin' To the heavy liftin'

Oh baby I heard he done you wrong

The going go tough and he got gone

Well he ain't here and I ain't him

And even if the walls come fallin' in

(You know) I don't mind doing

A little heavy liftin'

I'm always givin'

My everything

Even when I'm hurtin' I keep on workin'

And as long as I'm still alive and kickin'

I'll be stickin'

To the heavy liftin'

Baby when you heart is achin'

Lean on me, my back ain't breakin'

All I'm sayin' is I don't mind doing

A little heavy liftin'

I'm always givin'

My everything

Even when I'm hurtin' I keep on workin'

And as long as I'm still alive and kickin'

I'll be stickin' To the heavy liftin'

Honey I ain't quittin'

I'm always givin'

My everything....... Yeah...

~sweet kisses to those that truely love me~

Tag I'm It!

2007-08-10T09:55:00.000-05:00

Just Me & Malach tagged my sweet ass so I better get busy!

The Rules:
1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged write their own blog post about their eight things and include these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Do NOT forget to leave them a comment telling them they are tagged and that they need to read your blog.
5. Eight is the MAGIC number NOT three or two or one!

My Eight Facts/Habits:

1. A pet-pev of mine is not filling up the ice tray after using the ice. Or even worst taking like three to four ice cubes out and sticking the tray back in the freezer. Dump the whole thing in the ice bin and fill that fucker up again!

2. When I was younger I use to see "things" others couldn’t. Still to this day I see "things" out the corner of my eye that intrigue my thoughts to believe I must have some special power. I feel it has weaken with age though.

3. I sing out loud when driving by myself or even with someone. I get yelled out by many who say they waved at me but I was too busy singing and driving to notice them. Sorry!

4. I was born on Friday the 13th! (Woooo spooky)

5. I once fell off a pony at the age of 25 while trying to hop on her. It was my co-workers pony that her girls ride and she thought it be cute if I got on her. It had been almost 5 years since I had been on a horse and had forgot how to get on with out sliding off the side of the saddle. I think they all laughed at me for 30 minutes if not more. Hell they still laugh all me over it.

6. Porn is fucking awesome, I have quite a collection. I am not ashamed either!

7. When I was 14 my mother moved us to Missouri from Texas, Missouri is the only state I have lived in the longest, a total of 12 years now. I get homesick a lot though, my homesick is different than anyone, when I say I’m homesick it means I’ve been in one place to long and desire to get out of dodge so to say.

8. I have a neat birthmark. On the right side of the top of my head, there is a half-dollar size circle that grows nothing but pure blonde hair. The hair can’t be dyed by most colors (only color that did dye it was the darkest I had ever went, which is my current color dark brown), and the skin color is different than the rest of my head.

TAG: I demand the following bloggers/myspacers to write eight facts/habits about themselves: PHIX, Stan, Mac D Dennis, Jacob, Paintball Man, Twisted Thoughts, Lou Anne & (what the hell) Captain Flak Paperpants

~eight times the wicked love~

Humid Heat Sucks!!!!

2007-07-18T09:28:00.000-05:00

I use to love the summer time. It seems that now that I am older (not by much) the heat really starts to get to me, it could be because it’s a humid heat and not a dry heat. For example this morning it’s about 73 degrees, I don’t have central air, anyways I was putting my make-up on and it was just sweating it’s self off. I was a miserable cookie. So I have to improvise in these hot days, running back and forth in front of the ac and back to the bathroom to finish up. Another thing that I have to fight with during the summer time, blow drying my hair. I have a shit load of hair and it takes a little while to get it dry. So I have the heat of the dryer and the heat of the nature forcing themselfs down my back. I am so happy to hop in the car and get to work knowing it will be nice in the office. I am lucky that I don’t work in the heat like Aaron. He was telling me in the shop yesterday it was close to 99 degrees. (He’s a welder incase I have never said so) His boss says if it hits 105 degrees they will send the guys home.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So I have been sick. *pouts* The first time started on July 4th, btw Happy Late 4th! I had a fever and couldn’t do much. By the 5th Aaron went and bought a thermometer, because I was scaring him, needless to say my fever that morning was 102.6. So he calls my boss while I’m in the shower (planning on going to work because it’s just not a day I should be away), tells him and he’s like "oh no she’s not coming in". Aaron takes me at 8:15 a.m. that morning to our local clinic. Mind you I haven’t been in a doctors office for years. They run a urine test, and decide it MUST be kidney stones. By this time I had broke that fever and the chills were setting in. I was crying because I was scared and hurting. They say "well we don’t have the right test to make sure it’s kidney stones, so we want you to go to the ER, we are sending with you the urine test so they won’t have to run another. Pay up front." No first off I have no health insurance. Yeah I know! So off we go to the ER in the next town Bolivar. My mother wanted to go so we pick her up to. They both of them are freaking out because I am never sick. Get to ER and they tell me "They didn’t run the right tests on your urine, we have to run our own." So I pee once more in a cup and wait. Thankfully being at the ER they get an ivy in me and put in some pain medicine. I am freezing at this point and pissed because the lady that drew my blood "hit" my nerve in my arm which fucking hurt like a bitch and she has the "nerve" to say "oh well at least your nerve works!" I wanted to slap the shit out of her. Then my male nurse has me help him put the ivy in. At this time I wanted to walk out and say fuck it let me boil till I die! They come back with the test and tell me it’s not kidney stones but a severe kidney infection. They hook up some antibotics to my ivy and give me a bunch of prescriptions. At this point I realize my ER bill would be over a thousand bucks. They release me and I talk to the pay lady. "Oh well this is your bill, Oh you have no insurance, well call this lady in a couple of days to get your final bill and set up a payment plan." "This isn’t the full amount (bill showing $759 that she hands me)?" "Oh no it’s the minimum bill not the final, you do need to pay something before we can release you." So I pay her $40 to shut her up. Get outside and mom says oh honey you didn’t have to give her money. *grrrrrr* Head home to rest and guess what my temp rises to 103.6. *yay what fun* So I went through fevers for about 3 days after the trip to ER. Take all the medicine and bam I get hit with a fucking head cold. Now I’m blowing snot out like you wouldn’t believe. (Yeah I know so sexy huh?) I’ve been taking over the counter medicine but it hasn’t done much. I’d go to the Doctor again but I can’t afford another bill. So I’ll keep taking the over the counter shit and see where that takes me. One thing that really gets to me is I am a very healthy person. I haven’t been sick like this in years. Oh well right ...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aaron, Chris & Travis has won another paintball tournament. They are doing really good. I hope they keep it up! They have another tournament Saturday. One thing that is a positive for me out of this is the last gun Aaron won he sold on ebay and bought me a lawn mower. *fuck yeah* So I am super pleased.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I finally got to go to Foreplay last Saturday night! Wooohooo... was that a bunch of fun. Yes it’s a strip joint. My best friend Jason is the bartender and well he can bartended. Within 5 minutes of me being there he had three shots of tequila in me. At first I asked for a soda to take this cold medicine, he’s all like "what you need a tequila shot?". "No I need to take this medicine so I feel better." "Tequila it is Aasta!". Now I can’t say NO to him now can I. But I did finally. I did enjoy the time there but it wasn’t enough. I am going back real soon and this time I won’t say no. *lol* Jacob, Aaron’s younger brother, went with us. He had a GREAT time and wants me to go with him more often. I guess since the strippers thought I was "awesome", Jacob thought I was "awesome". *lol* So just incase you didn’t know ...I’m awesome! *giggles* The girls were so sexy & sweet. There was this one that was to die for. *mmmMmmm* Yes I must go back soon.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So I was going to write about Aaron and my fight we had about the end of last month. It was one of the biggest fights we have had yet I stood my ground and didn’t break down crying. But everything is better once more so I will not touch the fight here. I just hope the things we said to each other stick and that we can make our lives better for us. It’s so hard to get him to understand that everything I do I do for us. I will say one thing, I asked him why he doesn’t treat me "great or good", his response was "I don’t treat you bad or good". This really upset me. I just can’t see that. I treat him so good and I want to, here he is and he just doesn’t think of it that way. *deep breath* But he is trying more now. I just don’t understand him most the time. It’s frustrating. Some days it hurts deeply. Then other days it’s like "who the fuck are you and what did you do with the asshole". *smiles*

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Guess what .... I got a raise too after being sick! Wooohooo!!! I was so pleased with my bossman. Even though I was out for a day and a half when I got back he gave me a raise and a new title ....ready for this ... Supply Clerk!!! Hot Damn!!! *giggles* Not like I haven’t been ordering supplies for a while now, it’s just now I have the title. I do have to say this is the most money I have ever work for and I am tickled pink. I know I deserve it and all it’s just so hard for me to believe. Thanks to the one looking out for me. The really cool part about it all is that I was the only one in the office to get this raise. Usually everyone gets the same raise but not this time.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I better stop here and save the rest for another day.

I wish all my friends a wonderful rest of the week and a terrific weekend.

Looks like I’ll be getting some relief from the heat and maybe some rain too.

Fingers crossed.

~smokin hot smooches~

An Oldie but a Goodie ...Have a Nice Friday!

2007-06-15T08:16:00.000-05:00

That's All - Genesis

Just as I thought it was going alright

I find out I'm wrong, when I thought I was right's

always the same, it's just a shame, that's all

I could say day, you'd say night

tell it's black when I know that it's white

's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all

I could leave but I won't go

though my heart might tell me so

I can't feel a thing from my head down to my toes

so why does it always seem to be

me looking at you, you looking at me

's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all

Turning me on, turning me off

making me feel like I want too much

living with you's just putting me through it all of the time

running around, staying out all night

taking it all instead of taking one bite

living with you's just putting me through it all of the time

I could leave but I won't go

it'd be easier I know

I can't feel a thing from my head down to my toes

but why does it always seem to be

me looking at you, you looking at me

's always the same, just a shame, that's all

Truth is I love you

more than I wanted to

there's no point in trying to pretend

there's been no-one who

makes me feel like you do

say we'll be together till the end

I could leave but I won't go

it'd be easier I know

I can't feel a thing from my head down to my toes

but why does it always seem to be

me looking at you, you looking at me

's always the same, just a shame, that's all

Just as I thought it was going alright

I find out I'm wrong when I thought I was right

's always the same, just a shame, that's all

I could say day, you'd say night

tell me it's black when I know that it's white

's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all

That's all ...

~sexy smooches~

Fucking Ants...

2007-06-13T09:36:00.000-05:00

Did you know that the ice caps are melting? *smiles & frowns* Malach brought that to my attention to ... I think ... cheer my whining ass up. Which it did. Because to often I forget that there are much worst things happening besides my own b.s.. Thanks friend!

So I am better today, I actually felt so much better after I posted yesterday. So you want to know how my morning went today? *laffs* Well little Miss Aasta, slept till 6:30 a.m. today and feels so refreshed. *laffs some more* Though Mr. Aaron did not wake me, he left with out kissing me goodbye, or re-setting the alarm. Thankfully my body is used to getting up on time and I woke up right when I needed to. It just bothers me that he wouldn’t think about "what if she doesn’t wake up", but then again I should be thankful I got to sleep till 6:30 a.m. regardless.

I want to mow tonight, but with all the rain we have received I wonder if the grass will be too wet. But damn I need to do it. Plus on the back of the house I have so much trimming to do. Things have just took off growing everywhere and it’s starting to look like I live in the woods or something worst. The strays love it though because they have some much stuff to hide in. Last night when I was pulling up all I could see was "Tater" jumping from the weeds trying to catch bugs. He is just the cutest. My favorite out of the strays.

Saturday after work I am planning on taking my mother out to dinner. I also plan to have her go with me to Hobby Lobby to pick up some flowers for the wedding. I love my mother so much. Having her here for me is a blessing. Anyways she found this Mexican restaurant that she swears is "authentic" mexican food. When my mother says this ...you KNOW she is for real. So last week she cooked a big lunch for my office and this is her reward. I can’t wait really.

For an odd reason this season I have a HUGE ant problem. I think some one sent their ants my way. *snickers* Now I have tried everything once again and they just come back. The are super tiny black ants. So last night I set out some "ant houses" that have this poison in them. Within minutes the "home" was covered. You would think that this shit is crack for ants. So this morning I didn’t notice as many. Maybe they o-d on the shit!

Well that is all for today people.

Peace ...I’m out!

~sugar sugar kisses, because the are so SWEET~

The Pissy that is Me Today

2007-06-12T09:52:00.000-05:00

I am so pissy today it is pathetic.

So I decided I would dedicate this post to everything that is pissing me off.

So if you don’t want to hear a bunch of my crap ...stop right now!

First thing that pissed me off today, our alarm. It goes off at 5:48 a.m. every morning except on the weekend. Aaron should get up at this time and get in to shower. Instead of that he’ll let that muther-fucker go off until 6:30 a.m. when I am to get up. I have discussed this with Aaron in great detail, to please get the fuck up when it goes off the first time, or set it for 6:30 a.m.. Every time I get, "okay Aasta!". Every fucking morning I get this .... alarm goes off, Aaron hits snooze, alarm goes off, Aaron hits snooze, alarm goes off, Aaron hits snooze, alarm goes off, Aaron hits snooze, I look up it’s 6:20 a.m. and I get the fuck up to have my morning cigarette. I get done, go into our room to grab my clothes, ask Aaron if he is going to work or staying home. Listen to him say how I’m bitching to him 1st thing in the morning. All I did was ask if the son-of-a-bitch was getting his lazy fucking ass up!!!! I’m almost at my wits-end with his laziness. He’s all healed up now and there is no reason he should not be at work every day. Hell I work more than he ever has! I work Saturdays most the time. Has he every put a Saturday in? No! But ohh my belly hurts, or ohh I’m sooo tired, or ohh I just don’t feel well. Suck it up bastard and go make some money!!! I never ....NEVER get to take a "ohh my belly hurts" day! I deal with it and put that smile on and get my ass to work.

Second thing that pissed me off this morning. I feed all of our animals. Jack, the fishes, and the "homeless" (as Malach put it) stray cats. I buy food for all of them. I put water out for most of them. The one time I’m running a little behind and ask Aaron to do these things I get a huge "sigh", like I fucking stabbed him with something. Not a ...thanks babe for being so fucking awesome. Or a ...sure babe I can see your running behind. When has he EVER bought their foods? Maybe he has a COUPLE times in the 8 years we have been together.

Third thing that pissed me off this morning. My fucking wardrobe. I HATE to shop for clothes and it has come to my attention I HAVE to fucking go buy some new clothing. It’s not that I don’t have things to wear, it’s just how many times can you wear a shirt before it’s faded, worn and just plain YUCK! I was sick to death at trying to pick something out to wear. It just increased my bitchy mood.

All other matters that have pissed me off just come to the surface when I’m this upset.

It’s sad ...no it’s fucking pathetic.

I need an escape today.

I need to find my "zen" before I rip off someones head.

Help me ....help me please, I don't want to go to prison for exploding!!!

~pissy love today, but hey I still have some love in me~

Update of Sorts ...

2007-06-06T09:56:00.000-05:00

It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say. It’s that I’ve been so busy lately, and when I am not busy I’m not in the state of mind to be typing. *laffs* Let’s see ...I got a raise at work not to long ago. Which has really helped me to save even more money. I’ve become such a tight ass with money, well with MY money. *giggles* Other people in my life think I’m crazy, I think I’m smart. Speaking of work, it’s been super busy as well. You know what sucks about being Number One ...being number one! *LOL* I mean come now, how the hell am I suppose to remember everything and be expected to do it at the same time. Don’t get me wrong I do love my work, it’s just I wish I wasn’t so "unreplaceable". I know job security ... but damn it! *laffs at myself* I was very happy to see one of our huge criminal cases be dropped by the PA because well they didn’t have a leg to stand on. Sad part about that it is that it has ruined our client’s reputation in the town, even though none of the accusations were true. I hope they find some piece of mind now. I am so thankful to have a boss like mine. He is good to me and very good to the public people. It pisses me off when I hear someone talk shit about him. Most of the people in this town don’t have a heart like his. I respect him to the upmost level. The things I have seen him do for people over the last four years has really touched my heart. Thanks boss man!!!

~*~*~*~*~

So Chris, Travis and Aaron finally won a paintball tournament. Plus they are now number one in the series. It was last weekend in Kansas, they took first place. Each of them won a $400 paintball gun and a $200 "hopper". Hoppers load the paintballs into the gun btw. (Yeah I’m learning things even when I could careless ....giggles). I am so happy for them and I hope they continue on this path of winning. I guess it was down to the last round, Chris and Travis got shot out and Aaron was left. From what I gather from their conversations, the other team thought they had shot Aaron out first. Aaron got a "paint check" and was called clean. As Aaron watched the other team grab the flag and walk towards their end, Aaron "lit" up the guy in the back and as soon as the last team member on the other team can out to celebrate their assumed victory, Aaron shot his ass out too. In a way I wished I could have seen it, but then again I am so glad I was not there. Job well done boys!!!!

It’s funny how the mind can play with you. Most might not know about my fear of guns, it’s a long and sad story and maybe someday I’ll relive it for all to read. The sound of something firing off really gets my heart going. A couple of weeks ago I went out with Aaron to Black Buffalo practice. Aaron took his gun to have the boys try it. I stayed inside but could still hear the sound off the gun going off. True it’s a paintball gun, but tell my heart that. I was ready to get the fuck out of dodge. That feeling hasn’t happened in a very long time. It’s a scary feeling I get and I don’t like it. I think Aaron thinks I’m making it up, but I’m not. It’s just something I have dealt with and thought I had long taken care of it. Much to my dismay, the feeling caught up with me and I was disgusted. So that is one reason of many why I don’t go to the tournaments, I just can’t get that feeling to pass when I hear those guns go 90 to nothing.

Still super proud of the guys for winning and being number one in the series.

~*~*~*~

I’m a pretty sad cookie. I wrote to one of my "best" friends a three page letter in April. Laying it all out there. Still to this day I have never got a response from them. It hurts. It sucks. But maybe that is the response they wanted to give ...nothing at all. Oh well I guess. It just sucks so bad. It’s like a slap in the face. *ouch damn it* Why do I waste my time?

~*~*~*~

Black Buffalo has had a small set back. Shane the "8 Ball Jester" has decided to leave the band. So now they have their CD with a guy on it that is no longer a part of them. It’s sad, but I see both sides. I hope Shane finds what he out there looking for. And I pray the band moves forward without a major set back. The shows they played last weekend were great I was told. It’s just different now. But different is not always a bad thing. Good luck boys!

~*~*~*~

So I put some red streaks in my hair. OMG I loved it. Now though it’s faded away. The color was so bright at first, my hair girl forgot to tell me that for the next four washes that the red would slowly come out. It’s still there but not as vibrant as it was the first few days. I took a picture and put it on my Myspace. You can kinda see the red. I don’t know what I’ll do next with it. It’s getting so long again. Some of the people I deal with on a daily basis were all like "but what about the wedding?" What about it? *laffs* Who knows maybe I’ll have blue and green hair for the wedding, it is MY hair and MY wedding now isn’t it? *giggles*

~*~*~*~

Been slacking on writing a new erotic tale. I have so many ideas for the next one, now it’s just finding the time to get it out there. Hopefully maybe this weekend I can begin to get it typed. Aaron should be gone all day Saturday and I’ll be getting off not to late. We’ll see I guess.

~sunny smooches under the oak tree~

Rainy Days

2007-04-26T13:13:00.000-05:00

Rain, rain .... and more rain. Don’t get me wrong it’s lovely and we do need it. I just want a wicked storm. Nothing destructive, just wicked. Lots of booms & cracks and a down poor that goes on for hours. Is that too much to ask? ~giggles~ Though today is the last of it for now. Either Saturday or Sunday we are going to the zoo, so the sun better be shining so I can take some awesome pictures. You hear me up there? ~smiles softly~

~*~*~*~

Today is my brother, Dusty’s, birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUD! He wanted the day off work but his headquarters said no. (bastards) But he’ll be over after work to get his gifts. I don’t know if I said this before, but he is now the manager of the store. I am so proud of him. Also he has a new lady in his life. Let’s hope it lasts and it’s a good relationship for both of them. I haven’t got to actually meet her, just seen her. Maybe he’s hiding her from everyone. ~laffs~ He said he told her I was the nice one. Hell my mother went off on her about how her sister is a *%$#^%, and owes mom money. I think it scared this poor girl. But that is my mother, she tells you like it is. She pretty much told her that if she acts anything like her sister, mom will not have it. I think it’s kinda cute that she went off, it only means she cares. Though Dusty didn’t like it much. I love you brother of mine.

Last weekend he bought a Wii. OMG that thing is so much fun. What was even funnier was watching them box. ~LMAO~ For instance Aaron’s brother Jacob was boxing, we kept telling him to slow down the machine isn’t that fast, but he kept going 90 to nothing. I was sitting behind him laughing my ass off because ever time he start throwing punches his ass was going 90 to nothing too. I loved the bowling game. I still think he is crazy for spending that much on it, but I know he wanted it bad. I now understand why so many people have been breaking their TV’s. It’s unreal. Hell Aaron, every time he went to punch he’d step an inch further towards the TV. I had to keep telling him "Aaron move back". He was hilarious to watch too. I’m sure I would have been too, but I didn’t box!!!!

~*~*~*~

Wedding plans are still coming together. Here let me share some with you all:
The wedding will be a few blocks from my house here in good’ol Buffalo. My brides-men are going to be my brothers (Sorry ladies!), no maid-of-honor, at least not yet that is, though I do have a fake one so she can get a discount off her dress, but she is also my planner too (love you Amy and thank you for everything your doing for us, you’re a very special woman to me). Aaron’s best-men will be his brothers. And of course ...oh wait I didn’t tell you this last time, I got my DRESS and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. (Here’s a link to a picture of it http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog/slideshow.html?p=25&id=WCGXGNAleq_aeAX3BOqLxeVWKr_aKpSmMw--

(Aaron is NOT allowed to use this link!!!!! Got it buddy!!!!!)

Ummm, I have a flower boy.

Still working on the reception site, but it will be here in town as well.

I am getting so excited. Even more so that it is happening. I was thinking of writing my vowels today and it brought tears of happiness to me, knowing how madly in love I am with him. I don’t know when it happen, but I do love him with every inch of my heart. Is it possible to love someone more than you have before? Does that make any sense?

~*~*~*~

Peace out people!

I shall return sometime soon.

~raining smooches from high above~

It's a Nice Day for ...White Wedding!!!!!

2007-03-22T09:05:00.000-05:00

I have some exciting news to share with who ever that cares. Aaron and I set a "real" wedding date. *smiles* It’s going to be here in Missouri, but we still don’t have a location yet. Don’t ask me why we agreed, or why I got the bug out of my ass, just know that I am happy. One reason I wanted to do this is I asked myself two questions last week, that I hadn’t had an answer to, "Do you see him in your life forever? & Does he make you happy over 50% of the time?" My answers were yes. I can’t see myself without him by my side. Even through everything we have put ourselves through, we still end up on the same page. Sure it may take a couple of hours of us going back in forth, but we know how to compromise and we know when we are wrong. Oh yeah ... date is February 1, 2008. So save the date and I’ll have more details as the time passes. February 1st will be our nine year anniversary, so it will be a special day.

~*~*~*~

Looking forward to lots of rain this week. I kinda like it, and it’s better than the ice storm we had. *laffs* Hard part is it makes me want to curl back up in the mornings. The temperatures have been lovely as well. I hoping to go on a Sunday morning drive in the country side. I use to do that a lot and haven’t in a while. Since the ice storm it’s so hard to look out at the trees and see them all torn to pieces. It’s unbelievable the damage the ice caused. One of these days I’ll get all the pictures I took and get them posted somehow. I even have before and after pictures of just my yard. It’s unreal!

~*~*~*~

Wanting to get back into photograph again. I was taking a lot of pictures at one time, but it seems that I haven’t done that in so long. Plus being a member of "The Deck of Many Things" I need to start posting some "art". *giggles* Maybe this weekend I can get some good shots out in the country. Damn I also need a new picture for Myspace. I am sick of looking at the one that’s up. *laffs at myself*

~*~*~*~

That’s all for now I suppose. Need to get busy on my work. I’m kinda in a crappy mood today and I think I know why. It just pisses me off. But I’m not going to write about it, I’m just going to blow it off and go on with the daily routine.

~white loving smooches~

Hold Me ...but You Better Not Stink!!!!

2007-03-08T16:26:00.000-06:00

Fleetwood Mac ~ Hold Me

Can you understand me
Baby, don't you hand me a line

Although it doesn't matter

You and me got plenty of time

There's nobody in the future

So baby let me hand you my love

There's no step for you to dance to

So slip your hand inside of my glove

Hold me, hold me, hold me

I don't want no damage

But how'm I gonna manage with you

You hold the percentage

But I'm the fool payin' the dues

I'm just around the corner

If you got a minute to spare

I'll be waitin' for you

If you ever wanna be there

Hold me, hold me, hold me

~*~*~

Has been on hell of a day. Dealt with stupid people, a smelly ass guy (not to mention who made me barf after he left my office) and a head that still hasn’t woke up.

Maybe tomorrow will be better, it is Friday ...isn’t it?

~sleepy smooches~

Purple Lover Today ...

2007-03-05T10:43:00.000-06:00

The show went great Saturday night. I was actually surprised the amount of money I took just for entry. Sure it was boring but then again I got to see everyone that came and well the ones that didn’t. I also had my good friend Sharon to help out. Which was really nice, thanks babes! I bought two of the CD’s, one for me and one for the Cardona’s which I will mail out this week. Aaron gave me a hard time for buying them when I should have just taken them. What can a girl say, I like to help the band! *smiles* They need it and it’s not like they don’t have 50 other people wanting freebies. Sharon and I got to see a colorful ray of people. *giggles* For instance this one older guy, we’ll say he was in his early 50's maybe, anyways this guy went to his truck on the nose every 10 to 15 minuets and when he came back through he was sniffing his nose and wiping his RED eyes. Come on now, we all know he was having a blast! *giggles* Trust me there was many more people just like him. It’s a lovely world we live in.

~*~*~

Didn’t buy that fucking computer like I wanted. No one to blame but myself. I just didn’t feel "comfortable" buying any of the ones I looked at. I should be happy with myself for not just buying one, but I’m not. I do NEED a new one for home. I think what I’ll do it wait around and spot a good buy before I do. Then again I like having the extra money in my account, kinda like a security blanket. Makes me feel so warm and fuzzy. *laffs* I was close to buying a Compact like the one I have at the office and a 15. 5 flat top screen, just something stopped me and I walked far away from it. Plus all new computers have Vista now and I just don’t know if that’s a good things or a bad thing. Who knows, only time will tell.

~*~*~

Crystal didn’t come to the show with the kids as she said she would. What’s new. I can’t blame her for not being interested in things that I do. Be it the boys, my blogs, my erotic tales, my silliness. She’s going to be someone’s wife soon and well that’s not my cup of tea. Time does put distance between two hearts that once beat the same long ago. Man when we were together we did almost every thing together. Now it’s like... "well you have a good time with that." Or an excuse from either of us why we can’t come or do this or that. No hard feelings. Life just changes and takes we took different roads. I still love her and the kids and would do anything for them, I know I keep saying that but I want them to know it. It’s so hard for me because I feel like once again I failed. But I’m not going into the best friend failure story because ...well it’s just to damn hard for me to relive all the failed relationships I have been through.

~*~*~

Hell frozed over for a few minutes Saturday morning. Aaron took me to watch a paintball tournament. *giggles* It wasn’t bad, went pretty fast and we didn’t even stay for all of it. Chris his best friend was playing, so we watched one of his matches, of course his team kicked ass. I told Aaron it looked like Chris plays with two kids, which is half true. One is a kid and the other a senior in high school. Both short shits, but they say they are good because you can’t see them as good as an adult. Plus they can hop over bunkers and shit like nobody’s business. I don’t think their team won, but I thought Aaron said they placed fifth.

~*~*~

Joined another blog today,

The Deck of Many Things: http://www.rubbersuitstudios.com/DoMT/index.html

I should have lots of fun with it once I figure out what to post.
I posted a quick art picture as a beginning of something bigger. *giggles*

It probably was really gay put I don’t mind.

Go visit it, love it & join it!

~purple passionate smooches~

A New Computer to Come ....

2007-03-02T09:14:00.001-06:00

*YAY* I’m getting a new computer this weekend. I’m so excited. Still not sure which model I’ll go with but I know it will be so much of an upgrade from the piece of shit I have had for years now. Oh and then I get to learn Vista! *wooohoo* There is so much that will help me with a new computer. It’s unreal that the one I have is still 98 Windows. Talk about ancient, right? *laffs* But that will all change after the weekend. I won’t know what to do with myself.

~*~*~

So Aaron got a pick-up truck from his brother. It’s has to be the nicest vehicle Aaron has ever owned. (He’s had the Nova for eons.) He was so happy last weekend because he got his tax return and got it all legal and in his name. It’s amazing to see that look in his eyes when he’s happy or satisfied. Monday I got off work and he made me drive around back roads in his “legal” truck. It was hilarious, but I enjoyed our road trip into the country side. So now since he has this he has been going to work everyday. *smiles* I know his knee is killing him but he is going and not staying at home. Which is very nice because once again I can start saving for my trip to CA. *smiles even more*

~*~*~

The other day I posted that my friends Crystal and Donald are getting married. What I didn’t post about was my feelings on this. It’s so hard for me to open up knowing that they come and read this once in a while. I don’t like how I feel. I don’t think it’s right. I’m fighting with it daily and yesterday was even harder. Donald came in with the kids, which was so nice. Come to find out Crystal ran next door to the store. I just thought cool she’ll stop in when she comes out since the kids and Donald are here. Well that didn’t happen. Donald said he was going to get something from Crystal, and I assumed she would follow. Nope. Didn’t even pop her head in. Stayed out in the car. So after I was done with him, he left. I felt so “unwanted”, so “unneeded”, so very much “unloved”. I know it’s silly. So I call her to ask her why she didn’t come in. She goes off that Donald was suppose to tell me they were in a hurry and running late. Okay well I understand that but why not even pop in and say hello for 5 seconds. Am I not worth that? So of course again my feelings are hurt. But that’s nothing new when it comes to her and my relationship. Ever since that day long ago things will and have never been the same. I just need to accept this and I thought I had. I don’t know maybe I’m jealous that it’s her that’s getting married in Vegas and not me. I mean that was my idea ...or was it? Don’t get me wrong I am extremely happy for them and I wish them nothing but the best. It’s my feelings that are driving me fucking batty. I guess it would have been nice to hear the news in person or even on the phone, but I suppose MySpace has taken over that. I just need to deal with myself and my
life, right?

Crystal or Donald, I do wish you much happiness, please don’t take my post as negativity towards your relationship. I know you both are perfect for each other. This is my place to heal and that’s what I do here. *smiles*

~*~*~

Weather has been pretty pleasant lately. That wicked storm came through here and the fucking tornado sirens went off for hours. Thankfully no tornado hit us and my heart goes out to the family that lost their little girl. It’s that season again, for tornados. I hope they don’t take many lives this year.

~*~*~

Saturday night is Black Buffalo’s official CD Release party. *good job guys* I get to work the door. *wooohoo* They are playing on coming in all “rock starish”. *laffs* Aaron’s going to set up our living room with beer and shit so they can hang there till the time comes. (Our home is about 4 blocks away from where they are playing.) I wanted to be with them there and I might still get to. I should have help they said. We’ll see. *lol* They all have grown so much over the years and I am very proud of each of them.

Have a great weekend everyone!!!!!

~wicked smooches and loving hugs~

A New Song to Love

2007-02-27T13:54:00.000-06:00

Finger Eleven

~Paralyzer~

hold on so nervously

To me and my drink

I wish it was cooling me

But so far, has not been good

It’s been shitty

And I feel awkward, as I should

This club has got to be

The most pretentious thing

Since I thought you and me

Well I am imagining

A dark lit place

Or your place or my place

Well I’m not paralyzed

But, I seem to be struck by you

I want to make you move

Because you’re standing still

If your body matches

What your eyes can do

You’ll probably move right through

Me on my way to you

I hold out for one more drink

Before I think I’m looking too desperately

But so far has not been fun

I should just stay home

If one thing really means one

This club will hopefully

Be closed in three weeks

That would be cool with me

Well I’m still imagining

A dark lit place

Or your place or my place

I’m not paralyzed

But, I seem to be struck by you

I want to make you move

Because you’re standing still

If your body matches

What your eyes can do

You’ll probably move right through

Me on my way to you

~*~*~

I was left a message on Myspace

that my friend, Crystal,

is getting married on March 30th.

Congrats to you and Donald.

You both are crazy in my thoughts.

~pink smooches all around~

Love Your Self!

2007-02-19T11:24:00.000-06:00

I finally had a "fun" weekend. *YAY* Let’s see, Saturday I got my hair done early in the morning and I LOVE it. It’s much darker than I have ever had it, but I LOVE it. I am one to like change. Had the day off so I got to goof of and get some shit done that I normally rush to do on Sunday. Saturday night was Bubba’s B-Day Bash in Springfield, so you know what that means ....I got to watch Black Buffalo play!!!! *WOOHOO* It had been so long, well since before Aaron’s knee operation since I got to see them play. Sure I could go by on practice nights but it’s just not the same. It was a good night, those boys put on a good show. Even though Aaron felt Domeshade did better. The bar kinda sucked, 1st their drinks were so small it was like two drinks and your done and 2nd no food, not even chips or peanuts. One of the guys running the lights hollars, "We have lots of menus you can order and they will deliver." Oh well thanks dude but all I wanted was some chips and salsa! *laffs* But nevertheless it was a fund night. Didn’t get home till about 1:30 a.m., slept to noon on Sunday.

~*~*~

Sunday was also Crystal’s Birthday, Happy Birthday babydoll!

I was a horrible friend and forgot to call her. But she knows I love her and I’ll be making it up to her this week. I hope she had a wonderful day with Donald and the kids. I love you sweet cheeks.

~*~*~

So I guess Mr. Donald read my blog the other day and read about Aaron not wanted to "get to know" him. I thought I better explain this some. First off Aaron’s feelings do not reflect my own. Aaron is hard to get to open up, particularly to new people. He hates crowds and he hates to meet new people. Call it old fashion, call it stubbornest. I can’t change the way he is. Also Aaron has to deal with things that was said to him that Crystal said about him. (I hate all this he said she said shit.) And Aaron just doesn’t feel like he would have anything in common with him. Which could be true and could not be true. I see it as it’s Aaron’s lost. You can’t make a person like someone and I can’t make him play "nice" either. All I can do is love Crystal and Donald and share what I can with them of my life and theirs. Aaron doesn’t have to be a part of that in my opinion. It would be like him making me go paintballing and hanging with those people. It’s just not going to happen. (I hate paintball... btw). But that doesn’t stop him from enjoying it and it should stop me from loving my friends. So Donald and/or Crys if your reading this, I love ya and so what if Aaron’s an ass. You’re my friends not his. *smiles*

~*~*~

I think to myself a lot on how I should act or be in my life. I shouldn’t do it, because I love who I am. I have flaws like everyone else and pluses too. I have the right to be stupid or smart. I have the right to forget and to remember. I have the right to like this person and not like the next. Everyone has these rights. If you don’t like me then don’t like me. I’m not on this world for a popularity contest. I’m here living life, learning things, exploring new and old stuff.

Of course my feelings get hurt from time to time, but it’s those times my feelings are so uplifted that make the hurtful times disappear.

So be who you are and love it.

Love yourself, it’s a love that will be yours forever.

~loving smooches~

Happy Birthday To ME!!!!

2007-02-13T09:10:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday to ME!

~does the happy dance~

Happy Birthday to ME & Jerry Springer!

~brand new smooches~

I Want Spring!!!

2007-02-08T15:24:00.000-06:00

Finally I got to spend part of a day with Crystal. It had been like forever since we have done anything "together". I had so much fun. I had missed her so much. It was like nothing ever happen and we were back to our old self’s again. She wants to go out this weekend but Aaron wants to take me out before my B-Day and V-Day. Plus he doesn’t want to "get to know" Donald, the man she plans on marrying. Also he still has hard feeling for her, since he was told stuff that she said about him behind his back. I tried to explain to him to let it go, but he likes to hold a grudge. Plus I suppose they just aren’t the kind of people he wants to hang with. It’s upsetting to me, but then again I look at it like this, she is my best friend and I love her no matter what. Hell he was so pissy towards me when I got home from hanging out with her. Like I committed a crime or something. The boy needs to get over it. *laffs* I even told him that. I never go out without him and the one time I do, he throws a hissy fit. Damn bastard!!! But I am giving in to him this weekend because he "really" wants to take me out Saturday night and doesn’t want anyone to tag along. Bastard!!

~*~*~

I got to see another play last month that I haven’t got to share. My mother for X-mas bought her, my brother Scott, and me tickets to "Hairspray". OMG I just loved it. But then again I love live performances. Scott even liked it which mom and me thought was pretty damn cool. I had originally planned to go with Crystal for our B-days in February. But since mom had already bought them for us to go I couldn’t take her along too. I thought it would be rude of me to invite her along. Sad though cause she missed out and I know how much she loves that stuff too. Maybe there will be a good one coming soon and I can make it up to her.

~*~*~

So if you haven’t notice ...my B-Day is next week. (2/13) Aaron’s trying to get me all excited about it, but I just can’t let myself. If I did I’d get my hopes up then shot down. Happens every year unless I do all the planning. Wooohoo I’ll be 26, yeah I’m still a baby! *giggles* I have to go to court with Mel that morning. So I am hoping to get a nice suit over the weekend to wear. I also would like to get my hair done, but I don’t see that happening till towards the end of the month. We’ll see. *giggles*

~*~*~

I’m tired of winter! Sick and tired of it all! Spring is suppose to come early, but not early enough for me. I want sunshine, flowers, spring rains damn it. Is that too much to ask for? Hell my toes are still cold from this morning. And then there is snow in the forecast for this week sometime. Bullshit! I think they are lying to me. Make them stop!

~springtime smooches~

Change of View

2007-02-04T22:06:00.000-06:00

As you can see I changed almost everything...

*giggles*

I finally got this blog switched to the new version, so guess what ...yep I played around with it!

I do love it now even more.
All the green is awesome.

*smiles*

Is it too much for anyone out there?
If so ...to badd!!!

*WEG*

Oh yeah and Go Colts!

*giggles*

~wicked green love~

Super Bowl Day

2007-02-04T16:54:00.000-06:00

Super Bowl Day! Wooohooo ...right! *laffs* I wish I was into it this year.
I just don't feel it. *lol* guess that comes with being a girl. Or just not really paying much attention this year to football.
Go Bears!!

~*~*~

Not much new with me. I am in love with the Erotic Stories that Myko and I have been doing. It's so much fun. I am learning more and more with every thing I write. Aaron called my first story "word porn", but he liked it. *smiles* Maybe it was but hey ...it was mine. It seems that anytime I get free time now that's what I'm doing, writing.

~*~*~

Well I pray everyone is having a great Sunday.
Mine is just right.

~wicked smooches~

New Blog Link

2007-01-10T10:37:00.000-06:00

This is the link to my new blog since I forgot to paste it below. http://tainteddarklove.blogspot.com/

I'm working on stories and should have a couple up by the end of the

month if all goes according to plan.

I'll still be here too, btw.

~wicked love~

A Long Vacation...

2007-01-05T14:06:00.000-06:00

Back to work ...back to life. *giggles* I didn’t realize how much I missed my job till I got back on Tuesday. I felt right again. I think it’s just coz I’m such a worker. Being off that long and not having that much to do drove me crazy. I told the boss next time he lets me off that long make sure I’m leaving the State of Missouri. *lol* He wanted me to go to CA cause he knows how long I have talked about it. So next time that’s my destination I pray. *smiles thinking about it*

So I didn’t do too much on my vacation...

Movies I got to see were: Superman Returns, which I enjoyed; Jackass 2, OMG those men are fucking crazy; Barnyard, that was so cute but why they have to kill Sam Elliott’s character so soon; The Convent, that wasn’t to bad... different story line then I had thought; and Talladaga Nights, I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Places I went: The park with Jack to throw some tennis balls around. *lol* Out to a very nice Christmas dinner at the Outback. *yumm* Employee Award Banquet for my younger brother, Beau (he won Account Manager of the Year and got a $500 bonus for it, so proud of him).

Things I didn’t do: No computer! No work! No phones!

As you can see it was pretty much boring. I didn’t go out like I had wanted to for the New Year. (Btw Happy 2007) Aaron was sick, I was sick of Aaron. *lol* No really we both were sick my whole vacation. Which really sucked because I was hoping to have a good time.

~*~*~

So I created a new blog (insert website). I don’t know what I want to do with it. I would hate to delete this one and lose everything here. But I really like the new version. I talked to Michelle about maybe using it to post my erotic stories. She loved that idea. Which if I did that I really would have to get busy writing because at the moment I only have like 3 of them. *lol* I also thought about doing that plus stories of tainted loves, that would and could be fun. Real or Fantasy. I have some decisions to make now don’t I!

*~*~*

I LOVE my presents from Michelle, Miss C and Mr. B!!!!! OMG it’s so neat how you put everything together. I couldn’t have gotten a better gift. I definitely will try the "smudging" btw, it’s kinda similar to what I do do (laughs) but neater!!! *grins* I put Miss C’s picture on my fridge. *smiles* Funny thing about the box (I probably will tell you when I call) I have three boxes similar to it. They are all the same kind a style and wood, just different elephants and trees. Aaron thought it was too cool. Thank you guys. You’re the best!! ~wicked smooches and lots of love~ I’ll be calling soon so beware! *grins*

~*~*~

Taking care of all the bills and expensives for the last 4 months is beginning to eat at me. How long does he think I can do it or even yet, how long does he think I will do it. His Doctor released him on 12/28 and told him to just keep up the exercises and he should get strength in it for up to a year before it’s back to "normal". He told him he could work now just to be easy on it. I thought "hell yeah". So the following week he says he’s going to work this day and that day ...blah blah ...going to barbeque on Sunday ....blah blah, and then the fucker didn’t do what he said. He went to work Thursday only. *grrrrr* We will see how next week goes and if I have to buy the barbeque shit. I also approached him about what he planned to do with his tax return this year. "Oh I’m going to buy a tattoo gun." "WHAT!!! Your not going to give me any money out of it?" "Well I didn’t think about it, but if you want me to I guess I could." *SCREAMSSSSS* WTF dude! *rolls eyes* I shouldn’t be surprise, I swear he thinks money grows out my ass ... yeah you can buy a tattoo gun and just keep letting me pay for everything, oh yeah and keep letting your doctor bills add up too. The other day I think I cried for hours by myself. I should let it build up like that. But I am tired of pointing out the obvious to him. He should see it. Shouldn’t he? Hell my boss thinks I’m fucking stupid for supporting him this long. But what do you do ...what am I to do? I know give it time things will work themselves out ...won’t they? I hate that I’m hurting again because there for a while things were nice, and now it’s like I don’t even want to go home at night. And god forbid if I don’t come strait home because he’ll hop in his car and drive around town looking for me. (Yeah this happen once before. I stopped at my mother’s house and was there a whole 30 minutes, on my way home I see this Nova pull up on my ass, it was Aaron, he thought (I guess) that I was out fucking some guy, like I’m such a whore. I was disgusted with him. I didn’t talk to him for days after.) My mom and brother wanted to say something to him but I told them not to, he’s got to see it for himself. Plus if they approached him it would only cause a huge fight with us.

*~*~*

I had a very nice X-mas. Got lots of goodies. A bad ass digital camera (HP Photosmart 428xi/GoGo Photo Studio). My mom’s taking Scott and me to Hairspray on January 21st in Springfield. I am so excited about that. Couple of years ago I took Crystal to Mama Mia and it was excellent, I just know Hairspray will be too. A sexy Samba DVD, I haven’t started it yet but man that’s going to be fun. And a lot of girly shit. *lol*

~*~*~

Well as I look up at my post it’s freaking long. So I’m going to come to an end.

I wish everyone the best for 2007.

~fresh new year smooches~

I'm Back Again...

2006-12-15T09:01:00.000-06:00

Weather sure doesn’t know what it wants to do now. 60's or 30's ...it just picks and chooses. I am thankful that the roads are back to normal. No more white shit. But now it’s like ...do I wear a jacket, do I not wear a jacket, should I just wear an extra shirt, ..... damn I’m hot now, fuck I’m cold now .... grrrr. *laffs*

~*~*~

YAY Christmas is almost here and gone! I still have a few to get for, which I can see myself December 22nd & 23rd running around like crazy. I was so sure last year that this year I’d be done by the 1st week of December. But that was before Aaron had to have surgery and be off work for four months (2 so far). So with money being tight I haven’t been able to go out and get the shit I needed prior to the rush of shopping. But it will work out. I’m not stressing that bad. (Oh yeah it could be a hell of a lot worst.) I just wish the best for everyone I know.

*~*~*

There is this thing I never really thought about or spoke about. I watched this video one of my clients brought in for me. Now I haven’t watched it all because I was in fear it was like one of those "white power" videos and well I’m just not that way. Little to my surprise it really wasn’t like that at all. Well anyways the part I watched was on Immigration. WOW ....I was speechless. Granted this was taped in 1995, it touched deeply on the issue of immigration. One of the key things I took from it was it’s not immigrates that are the problem, it’s the number of immigrates our wonderful country takes in each year. (I wish I had all the cool grafts the guy had to lay it out but I’ll try from memory.) Between the 20's and the 60's we let in about 127,000 immigrates, that was okay for our resources (land, water, food, etc.) But since then that number has quadrupled, hell problem more than that now. What he was showing is how we are going to kill our resources in this land by letting tons and tons of people into our country. Basic line ....we will be so over populated by the year 2050 it will be unreal.

Now I don’t know if things changed back in the day because the clip was so old. But if no one in our government looked at these charts from the US Census Bureau I think it has only gotten worst. Again it’s not the immigrates that are the problem ....it’s the number we are letting through to become US citizens. Just something to think about. I had no clue, and in all honestly I never looked at it like that.

~*~*~

Well that’s all for now. I’m getting this bad ass camera for x-mas so I’m looking forward to taking a bunch of pictures to share. The coolest thing I think I’ll do is start taking a picture a day for a year and then put it all together. I’ve seen may people do this and it’s well ...bad ass! So hopefully mine will be too. Who knows, maybe I’ll post it here or at the WoW or hell I might not even share it. I’m stoked though. Oh yeah ...and I found another website that has turned into my new myspace. Everyone was wondering why I hadn’t been on myspace in a while ...well the answer is xpeeps.com. HELL YEAH!!!!!!! *grins* My link if you dare to look is www.xpeeps.com/taintedlove. And yes they are real! *WEG*

~wicked smooches all over~

Sleet ...Then Ice ...Oh and Snow ...Burrr it's Fucking Cold!!!!

2006-12-02T16:06:00.000-06:00

Hey! It freaken stormed all over the place. So pretty it is though. Let's See I think we got one inch maybe two of sleet & ice (same thing ...I know), and then about 8-9 inches of snow. Not to bad, but the first in over three years. I'm okay ...I have power ...*smiles* and a car that can get around. Oh and have I ever said I'm from TX so Aaron thinks if your from TX then you don't know how to drive. So lucky me, he's been taking me back and forth from work for the last 3 days. (I don't mind, I like to be driven around) *lol* But Monday not to far away, so I'll have to prove him wrong. *giggles* Oh yeah ...and did I mention it's suppose to get down to 3 degrees tonight, with a wind-chill factor of 0. I love winter ...all this white stuff makes my eyes hurt!

~*~*~*~

Happy Belated Birthday my wicked pixie, Michelle. I hope it was wonderful. I love you to life babes, and miss you something wicked. ~smooches & hugs~

~*~*~*~

A song for the Day ....

The Judds ~ Love Is Alive

Love aint a candle
it doesnt burn for one night
and need the dark to shine
Love is alive

And Love aint just a word
in every dictionary
but no where defined
love is a man and he's mine

Love is alive in at our breakfast table every day of the week
Love is alive and it grows everyday at night even in our sleep
Love is alive and its made a happy woman out of me
(oh love is alive)
and here by me...

and love aint just a moon
a distant far away dream
that needs the night to rise
love is alive

and love aint just a song
sweet words of music
to go dancing by
love is a man and he's mine

oh, Love is alive in at our breakfast table every day of the week
Love is alive and it grows everyday at night even in our sleep
Love is alive and its made a happy woman out of me
(oh love is alive)
and here by me...

love is alive....
here by me....

~soft wintery kisses with lots of coldness ...yes ...colddddneeessssss~

Time Flys

2006-11-10T09:40:00.000-06:00

It’s amazing how time can get away from you. I didn’t realize it had been so long since I wrote in my blog till messing with my picture. Which btw, blogger sucks when it comes to changing your profile picture. I still am pissed, because I can’t change it unless I fix the picture below to meet the requirements to get it to take. But anyways ...what’s new.

Let’s see ...I’m tired. Beat. Pooped. I don’t know if it’s just because I work all the freaking time, or if I just need a re-charge. I have even been taken One a Day for women and well I’m still fucking tired! The only day I get off most the time is Sunday so I try to get extra sleep and get woke up with a beast humping me. *grrr* Thanksgiving is around the corner and I’ll be so thankful to have a couple days to relax. I have three meals to attend so I’ll be a stuffed cow before it’s all over with. Then I get the last week of December completely off ....I am really stoked about that. Maybe I can go somewhere and breath some different kind of air.

~*~*~

Aaron has been doing better. He’s really tired of not walking. I think he finally got a taste of what it’s like to be home bound and unable to do much. He’s bored to death and has found creative things to do such as .....SCARE THE FUCKING PISS OUT OF ME. Oh you want to know what I’m talking about ...well. The other night he’s all like "baby can you get my guitar out of the other room, it’s hard for me to get on crutches." "Sure babes no problem." I get up head to the other room, open the door and scream like some crazy person. He took a pair of his jeans, old boots, a pair of gloves, an old bloody shirt and his Halloween mask he made & created this guy sitting in the chair. OMG it scared the piss out of me. It looked like a real person sitting there or some kind of crazy lunatic that just escaped from a mental ward. I was so pissed because it got me. He laughed his ass off, said "oh I really forgot about it, I really want my guitar though." Fucker... I made him get it himself. So then last night he get’s my brother to go in there. Dusty thought it was real too, he just didn’t scream like I did. After I thought about it I wasn’t so mad, but I tried to tell him the point is I take care of his ass, don’t fuck with momma! *lol* So as he sits at home these days he comes up with crazy ideas and then uses me to test them out. Bastard! I love you shit head!

*~*~*

Zenith Farm is doing a video this weekend and I get to be in it! I’m stoked. Not sure what it’s going to be, they are using "Dick in My Hand" as the song. It should be a lot of fun. Once they get the video up I’ll post a link to it.

~*~*~

Want to wish much luck to Michelle in her new job. Babes I know you’ll do great. I hope it’s better than your last one & I hope you find new things to challenge you and keep that passion going. I got a package to send you guys and can’t wait to get it out. Too bad they won’t ship me though! *grins*

*~*~*

Well that’s it for now, I must get my ass to work.

Have a wonderful weekend!

~glittery smooches~

This is Me!!!

2006-11-09T11:23:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to get this up so I can use it ...I'll write more later!
~wicked smooches~

Nurse ...Oh Nurse

2006-10-17T11:47:00.000-05:00

"Yes, what can I get for you." "Oh nurse I have this pressure building up and I need your help with it ...."

As you can see he’s almost back to normal! *giggles mischievously* It’s been almost two weeks since surgery and I feel he’s doing great. He might tell you different, but I know for sure. Everything went well with the surgery. I got pictures, but I didn’t want to fight to get them posted here. Last Thursday was his first check up. They took out about 10 staples and it was the first time we got to look at it also. Not to bad, there will be a small scar and that is all. His doctor said he’ll be out of work for four months for recovery. Kinda scary to think about him not being back at work until February. But at least things have been done and he’s on the road to recovery. Yesterday was hard on him because he wants to walk so bad, do things for himself, etc. I told him with time he will but not to push things in fear of him hurting himself beyond repair. He’s been doing his exercises to strengthen the knee and the "new" ACL ligament which they created out of a hamstring. It’s pretty cool what they did, and I think I was the only one that was really interested in it. *laughs* After the surgery the doctor came in to talk with his mom and me. That’s when he whipped out the pictures and I was all like "WOW", where his mom was like "EWWW". So we go back November 2nd to see what progress he has made. Hopefully he’ll heal faster than the doctor thinks, because if I have to put up with his demands till February, I will put myself in a mental hospital! *laughs*

~*~*~

I got a beautiful card and three lovely poems in the mail from my favorite pixie. I loved them sweetheart, they touched me so. Thank you so much, I needed them more than you know. I pray all things are going great for you. Give my love to Mr. B & Miss C. Always in my thoughts. ~wicked pixie lovin~

*~*~*

So what else is new with me, well ...I started using Proactiv, and OMG does that shit work. All my life I have dealt with acne. Even though I am easy on the eyes, I’ve always had this battle of keeping my skin acne free. Until now, I had never accomplished it. I should have taken some before and after pictures. But please take my word for it. That stuff is amazing and I am loving my skin now. *YAY* I did it for me!

~*~*~

Halloween is right around the corner and I am sad to say I just don’t feel it this year. I mean it’s my favorite holiday and all, I just can’t get in the feel of it this year. Maybe I’m thinking back to last year, and the things that happen. It just makes me sad.

*~*~*

That’s all for now, got to get back to work.

I wish each of you a lovely weekend.
~frosty kisses~

Feeling Good for a Change

2006-10-03T10:22:00.000-05:00

It’s the week of his surgery and I can tell he’s more afraid then he lets on. Everyone has told him different stories and I think he has warped his mind into all of them. That’s tough when all you ever think about is the bad things that can happen, it will drive you mad. Thankfully he has been listening to me more. *shock look* Yep, I said it. I am so happy that things are turning around again. I really seriously debated in my head if it would be the best thing to end things or if I could stick around. I hate admitting that because I love him with all my heart and soul. I mean no a single person knows me the way he does. Anyways he has been improving and I hope the changes stick around this time. Could be that he understands why the dishes have to be cleaned, and that after a long day at the office I don’t want to come home to a trashed house and see him sitting in front of the X-Box like he’s some kind of zombie.

We have to call Wednesday to get his surgery time for Thursday. I have to say I am afraid, okay well not afraid, but worried about things. Not so much the surgery, it’s the after part. I have to stay with him 24 hours after and cater to his needs for he won’t be able to do much at all. I have enlisted his buddies to come to the house Friday and keep him company or get his spirts up. I know he’ll be in tremendous pain and there really won’t be much I can do except feed him pain pills. Thanks to all the ones that are keeping us in their thoughts. It means the world to me that someone cares enough.

*~*~*~*~*

I miss my sister, Michelle! Where are you my wicked pixie ...is Mr. B keeping you locked in the cellar? Or maybe chained to the bed? *WEG* Or even better yet ....tied up in the closet? *giggles* To you both ... I miss the shit out of you guys. Your always in my thoughts. I pray all is well and that you’ve just been busy. *blows kisses*

~*~*~*~*~

It feels like summer again here. Go figure, I start to love the coldness and it gets frickin hot once more. Oh well that’s the weather in Missouri, if you don’t like it wait 10 minutes and it will change. *lol*

*~*~*~*~*

To my most recent new visitor Hobbs. Thanks for stopping by to read about my crazy life. You are always welcome and so is any advise or anything else you might offer. It’s nice to have friends that care. So thanks!

~*~*~*~*~

Well that’s all for now. I have this HUGE client summary list to do and well I’m only on the H’s and ....grrrr I just don’t wanna! *giggles* But I gotta. Have a great day everyone. I’ll post after Aaron’s surgery with an update as to how things went down.

~Last of the summer smooches~

2006-09-14T10:09:00.000-05:00

OMG I am so upset with Supernova. How the hell can they pick Lucas? That man was awful in my opinion. I made a promise and I’ll keep it too, I will not ever buy one of their albums now, even though I love the three of them and what they have done in the past for rock n roll. But I’m so sick with their decision. But then again it was THEIR DECISION. Funny the first night it was on and I saw this guy I thought, Oh they’ll pick him coz his unusual. Deep inside I prayed I wasn’t right. Thankfully I was at Mighty Mites football practice last night and did not have to watch the last show. I believe if I did I would have thrown what ever was close to me at the screen. To the other 3 rockers that lost, I wish you much luck and I look forward to all of your albums. (Ahhh I feel better now ....smiles)

~*~*~

I’ve changed in the last few years. I knew it happen but I wasn’t aware of how much change until last night. I went to football practice with Crys & Donald, to watch her boy practice. This was the first time in over a year that I did something during the week. It felt so good to be out with people, but at the same time I was sadden. Why you might ask, well that’s easy ....where was Aaron? Granted I know he’s on crutches and I know how embarrassed he claims to be in public with them, but dude suck it up. How lame is it that I work all day and when I get home I do nothing. Well not anymore. I want to experience life again. Real life and not this one I’ve been living. Horrible thing is he hates it when I do things without him. One of the reasons I stopped doing shit. I got tried of the b.s. he gives me when I do got out. For example, last night I told him I thought I be gone for about an hour. Well practice was longer and afterwards I went and got me something to eat. I get a call from him while on my way there, "where are you and why aren’t you home yet?" "I’m on my way there." "You told me an hour and you lied." "I’ll see you in a few.". I mean come on I’m not out fucking someone, I was at football practice. I just don’t get it. When he goes off to do the things he wants, I don’t give him a guilty trip about leaving me. Hell most the time I’m all like "Get the hell out of here.". I like my quite time, I guess he just can’t stand me living life without him. I know lately I sound like a broken record when it comes to Aaron ...you know ...blah blah blah ....blah blah blah. It never changes. *laffs* I had someone ask me how I ended up with such a negative person when I’m so positive. The only explanation I could think of is that opposites attract. On to the next day I suppose.

*~*~*

There is this girl I’ve know since she was a baby. She just turned 16 and last night gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Congrats Crissy, even though I can’t believe you’re a mommy now. *soft tender hugs* You’ll do great I just know it. *winks*

*~*~*

The weather is so nice. I wish I had a fireplace. There is just something about a fire that makes me feel so cozy. This weekend is Cider Days in Springfield. It’s a shame I can’t go & enjoy myself. God forbid I do it without my sidekick. *sighs*

~cool kisses to my loves~

Autumn is Upon Us All

2006-09-07T13:39:00.000-05:00

The weather is getting cooler and the nights just as sweet. Autumn is among us all. For the longest time I never enjoyed this time, until just a few years ago. Maybe it’s because I have learn to appreciate different things. I am grateful for that. I love to watch the leaves turn in this area, it’s something else.

~*~*~*~

Aaron’s surgery is scheduled for October 5th. They told him he’d be on crutches till Thanksgiving. I am happy that something is set but the more I think about it I know it’s going to be rough on the both of us. I mean it’s already started. I go to talk about our financial status and he clams up and gets pissy with me. One thing I also thought about is Halloween. *sighs* If I go to the annual party with out him, he will be so pissed off. But it’s not fair for me not to go if I want to go. *ggrrrrr* See where I’m going with this. *lol* We got in a fight over the weekend, it’s over now but I’m still bothered by what we fought about. See Friday night he left with his brother to "run an errand" and I decided to check my email. As I was doing so I thought ...I’ll check the history on the internet to see what Mr. Aaron had been doing on his days off. First thing is I told him until I get some kind of better security on the computer to please not visit porn sites. He agreed. Well that was a lie, I found over 12 sites he had visited in the last 2 days he was home. Okay I don’t care if my man wants to watch or look at porn, it’s a guy thing. But when it comes to the safety of my computer I really don’t want to have to re-boot the whole damn thing just coz Aaron was bored and decided I didn’t know what I was talking about. So after I see these sites I’m a little pissy because of the damn trojan shit that was downloaded on there. I go and clean the pc up and proceed to look at the history a little more. Then I see it ....he’s goes to his myspace account and looks ...not browses ...looks for "girls in Springfield, Missouri". WTF? Right? My blood begins to boil. Why not look for just "girls", no look for girls right next door to us. (Springfield is like 25 miles away from Buffalo) After I take my time and look through all the profiles he visits I have mixed emotions. First emotion ...anger and betrayal. Which is silly because it’s just looking. Second emotion ...doubt in myself. What am I not giving him right? Third emotion ...slight happiness, because if he is looking for another woman then I can go on my own path and he can go his way. Fourth emotion ...pain and hurt, ...how can he do this to ME. *lol* Well he get’s home later that night and I ask him in a calm manner "Are you trading me in?". "What are you talking about?". *laffs a little more* He tells me he was just bored and wanted to see if any of his high school friends were on there. (Hello ...aaron dropped out of high school in buffalo!) Okay so feed me some bullshit ...go on. Well I was just looking nothing more to it and well you have guys on your myspace. *laffs* Oh yes that’s right I went out and picked every guy I have on there. *laffs again* Okay so why look at porn when I told you the pc is not protected enough to do so? I forgot .... Okay well don’t we have a million DVD’s couldn’t you just pop one of those in if your that bored? Oh yeah I guess I’ll do that next time. *arghhh* Anyways he pretty much tells me he didn’t do it for a reason and he won’t do it again. (Such a bad boy) Blah blah blah ...I love you ...blah blah blah ...I’m happy with you blah blah blah ...no I don’t want to trade you in. I just can’t figure out why and he really doesn’t help me understand. That’s all I ask is to understand and get a real answer not 20 ones that make no sense. So the night went on I got pass it and so did he. On to the next fight, right.

~*~*~*~

I feel this week I lost my specialness I carry. That thing that makes me "Aasta". I don’t know where it went but I have to find it soon. I get tired of everyone asking me .. "Are you okay", or "How are you doing". I’m okay ...not peachy ...not swell ...not miserable, just okay and you know what, that’s ...OK. *lol* Maybe if I start walking again with Jack I’ll feel better and with the weather being so lovely that would work. I don’t know but I have to find my thing soon or I’ll just stay okay forever.

To all ...I send my love always.

~autumn moonlight smooches~

2006-08-23T10:29:00.000-05:00

I started thinking last night about what I have been writing in my blog lately. First thought was ....People don’t need to read about me whining and bitching. Second thought was ...silly it’s your journal and if that is what you want to write about then so be it. I do love my blog, it helps me let out the stuff I try to keep inside. Some people use their blogs for other reasons, kudos to them, but mine is my life and whatever shit I want to throw in there. So I shouldn’t second guess writing about anything ...right?

So today Aaron sees the doctor that will be scheduling the surgery on his knee. He is scared, I could really tell last night. His mother kinda talked to him about it yesterday saying how there could be options as to what to do, know surgery ...no surgery. And that he should think about a different career incase he can’t go back to welding. That question burned in him all day. He doesn’t know what he would want to do or try. We talked about last night about him buying a tattoo set and maybe opening a parlor here in Buffalo if he can’t go back to welding. This idea would be the best for him. He is a great artist when he applies himself. I know he would do great at it. Fingers crossed things will work themselves out.

I think I should shed light on the good things about him since it seems all I can think of is the bad things. Good things: he is always telling me he loves me and how sexy I truly am; he defends me when needed (isn’t often but he is the first to due so); he’ll let me watch my stupid shows before his; sometimes he opens doors for me *lol*; and he is very affectionate and always wants to be near me. I know I’m missing more than that but it’s a start. Oh yeah ...and I love and hate him. It’s it a beautiful thing.

I’ll post again when I get news from Aaron today. Otherwise have a lovely day!

~beautiful kisses ....free with love~

2006-08-22T14:50:00.000-05:00

Is it okay that since I grew up dirt-ass poor that I should just be okay with being dirt-ass poor as an adult? What brings me to this dying question today ...Aaron. Yesterday I guess I was wanting some kind of "support" from him that things will get better money wise. And he had the balls to say to me "Well Aasta you were dirt-poor all your life, shouldn’t be such a hard thing to deal with now." WTF ....no you didn’t just say that shit to me! But yes he did. Maybe I shouldn’t have came home wanting to "talk". Who cares that my bank account has dwindled down to a mere $90. It’s okay ...I’ve been dirt-ass poor before, nothing new to this girl. *GRRRRRRRRRR* But it is, since the first day I went to work in my life I have strived to make sure I could pull myself up from being dirt-poor. And then here I was ahead with money ...ahead on OUR bills and bam ....whoopsy Aaron hurt his knee and well now Aasta must take care of him. It would be so wrong of me to leave him when he is at his low. It’s so wrong of me for wanting any kind of support or even a thank you. I’m such an horrible person for thinking about myself. *rolls eyes*

Then oh hey ...."You’re the one holding off us getting married." WTF? Oh yeah because we can get married without having to pay for anything. Oh wait ...that’s right I’m suppose to pay for it ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLl! Well this girl maybe stupid in some areas but this subject I am not. There is no possible way I will pay for our wedding. Sure I will help pay for some of it, but not the whole fucking thing! So friends it just maybe a few more years before I tie any knots.

I’m crazy pissed off and I am trying to deal with it as an adult but it’s so fucking hard. I know money doesn’t make the world go round, I am not a $$$ orientated person. Is it such a horrible thing to want$200 in my bank account at any given time. Accidents happen and they always happen to my life.

~kisses are now $1 a piece bitches ...muwhahahaha~

2006-08-15T13:51:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like your on this roller coaster and there is no getting off? It wouldn’t be so bad if it was a roller coaster going up vs going down. And why the hell is it that when you get a head in life something always knocks you back down? I mean WTF life ...wasn’t I suppose to get everything I could imagine? *laffs* Funny how I’m not that type of person. But at times all I can think is WTF life ...what now! *laffs some more*

So Aaron has hurt his knee once more. This time though it requires surgery. No date set for it yet, but it will be like in the next month. I want so bad to be mad at him, but I just can’t. I want so bad to yell at him and tell him everything he does that pisses me off in this life, but I just won’t. Oh he knows. I’d only be wasting good air. *lol* I told him I want after all this shit is done with his knee for him to be the man I need him to be (not want him to be, because that’s like shitting in one hand and wishing in the other). Funny though that he has to want it too. I think he is getting there, or at least I hope he is. I’ve showed him what his life looks like from the outside and it’s done some good. I got my fucking kitchen cleaned! *LMAO* I’ll keep an update on his recovery from being a child and learning to be a real man.

I got this freaking head cold today and it’s killing me. I’m very moody and can’t hear that well either. That makes for a fun day don’t you think? It’s been some time since I’ve had a cold, I still dislike them ...I think!

My favorite holiday is coming up soon!!!! YES .....HALLOWEEN!! I wanted to go as a sexy pirate and still might but just the other day I thought of .....how about going as a Swedish Delight! Yeah ....just like how the Charlie Angels girls did in that one movie (can’t remember if it was 1 or 2 or 3). That would be so cute and my co-worker wants to do the costume. Bad part though is October is usually very cold. And well yeah I’d freeze my ass off. At least with a pirate costume I’d stay some what warm. *grrr* or *argghhh* Either way I think both are good ideas for this year.

~haunting kisses to all~

These Dreams ...

2006-08-04T09:48:00.000-05:00

My sleeping patterns have sucked dick lately. I’m up at least every other hour, be it I have to pee, I’m thirsty, or I’m just tossing and turning. I just don’t get it. I usually am a good sleeper, but in this last week I can’t sleep through-out the whole night without waking up. Last night was really bad because every time I got to sleep I was dreaming dreams that made no sense. For example; I was standing out side of this trailer and there was quite a few people all around. Must have been like a party or something. There was this guy, clean cut and pretty damn good looking too. He approached, we chatted about something, he kissed me, I blushed, I then woke up. It was almost like I was watching over this, it wasn’t like I was seeing through my eyes. I was observing it. Then I get back to sleep again and this guy is in the next dream, but so is Aaron. We are all in some kind of parking lot. I see that guy again and he smiles. I lean down and kiss Aaron’s neck and then I wake up again. *grrrrr* So back to sleep once more. There is my mother, my youngest brother and me in this huge house. At first it was just us, but then people started coming in. Once again this guy is there and I watch myself slip out the door, I see him follow, he finds me, we kiss and then I wake up again. Luckily it was time for me just to stay awake and get in the shower. But dreams like these freak me out. What the hell does it mean? Why must my mind place this images before me? I love Aaron with all my heart and yet I still dream of other men. Granted I do have lots of dreams about Aaron, but most are that he is with someone else. I know deep down dreams do mean something. Maybe I’m just fearful to face what that might be.

~*~*~*~

So tonight we are going to the Ozark Empire Fair in Springfield! *YAY* I love fairs, I love corn dogs, I love the rides, I love the people, I hate the heat! *laffs* Tonight will be the coolest night so far so it shouldn’t be to bad. Aaron promised me that he would win me something tonight. *awwww* I can’t wait! A couple of our friends will be joining us so at least I’ll have someone to ride rides with. (Aaron is a big pussy) *giggles and looks around ...I didn’t say that* Last year I got his mother to ride the craziest ride they had, she told me she couldn’t do that again, was too scarey for her. *giggles* I just love the danger I suppose.

*~*~*~*

I haven’t done much on Myspace this week. Sorry to anyone who has missed me over there. I really do love that site. I was going to look for another background, but then I decided I really like the one I have. My mother made her an account, so now I got to show her how to use it. She was always use to just chatting and meeting people through Yahoo. But now she says no one uses that much anymore and if they do she doesn’t care for them. Both my brothers also have an account. *laffs* Myspace will take over the world one day. Okay well maybe not but jezz it’s freaking huge!

I hope that you all have a lovely weekend. I miss you my wicked pixie friend, I pray you are just fine. Mr. Anonymous, it’s so nice to see you around here once more. Oh and yeah in regards to my last post, they are soooo cool in my book, but I do like that style of music the most. Been listing to VH1 Classic Metal Mania - Stripped, that’s not a bad cd for the music they put on there. Plus it’s all stripped. Ahhh I love it.

~sizzling smooches~

Queensryche ~ Silent Lucidity

2006-07-27T11:14:00.000-05:00

I can't get this out of my head, such a classic.

~soft kisses~

*~*~*~*~*

Hush now, don't you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You're lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over... or has it just begun?

There's a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn't realize it and you were scared
It's a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly you hear and see
This magic new dimension

I- will be watching over you
I- am gonna help you see it through
I- will protect you in the night
I- am smiling next to you, in Silent Lucidity

[spoken during solo]
(Visualize your dream)
(Record it in the present tense)
(Put it into a permanent form)
(If you persist in your efforts)
(You can achieve dream control)
(Dream control)
(How's that then, better?)
(Hug me)

If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You're safe from the pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize
Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but...

I- will be watching over you
I- am gonna help to see it through
I- will protect you in the night
I- am smiling next to you....

The Hatefulness that is me today...

2006-07-27T09:00:00.000-05:00

It’s finally raining here! *YAY* Not like it’s going to help with the heat much but still it’s finally raining! So I have manage to get this Friday off and Monday off, making a nice four day weekend. I’m so excited. I work really hard and having these days off make me work harder. Monday I hope to go floating with my mother. She wants to go "rock hunting". I want to work on my suntan. We shall have some fun.

*~*~*

I was visiting my b/f myspace account and something caught my eye. She had a comment congratulating her for getting engaged. Well if you read this my friend I wish you the best, at least you might beat me at it.

~*~*~

I think I pissed off the Captain over at WoW with my "hump day" jokes this week. I found some short "men" jokes and I thought they were worthy of sharing. Well I must have been wrong. You be the judge .... http://www.third-option.com/2006/07/nothing-personal.html

*~*~*

I feel really hateful and defensive today. Good thing I’m going to the Black Buffalo show tonight. Maybe jumping around and drinking some beer will kick this out of me.

~no fucking kisses today peeps~

2006-07-12T09:37:00.000-05:00

I’m starting to figure out the real reason I won’t let myself get close to my best friend again. I am so afraid of getting hurt again. How silly is that ...right? But it’s true. I feel like if I gave my all again there is this possibility I’d be broken once more. This so doesn’t sound like the person I like to think I am. I love to take chances. But why now and why of all things am I holding back? Maybe it’s because my love for her is so strong that it scares me. I joke a lot about not being right to have a best friend. I mean look at the track record, it speaks for it’s self. I know though I’m crazy for thinking that way or even joking like that. Everyone should have someone to turn too when in need. She was my rock at one time and I was hers, or I like to hope I was. Even now when we get together I just don’t know how to act. It’s like all these walls come up and I’m on guard. I want to break that cycle I have put myself into, but I really don’t know how. She knows I love her and would do anything for her, I think she just doesn’t understand why I’m not around anymore when I’m only a few blocks away. I about cried the last time I was with all of them. Her little girl said to me "Aasty I never get to see you anymore." as she clung to me not wanting me to leave. That broke my heart. And since then I been asking myself "what the hell is wrong with you". So I must work on it and work on it hard. I will not let myself lose another good thing. I love you my friend and I am sorry for not being around, I will change that soon!

*~*~*

So my mom has been looking for love again. I know she is lonesome and it kills me to see her so down. She made herself a Myspace account. Which got me thinking about her track record with meeting men o/l. It sucks! Bad part about it all is that there isn’t a single man I know around here that she could go out with. Or at least not one I would want her to see. She is lonely though and I pray she finds that comfort that she is needing.

~*~*~

Everyone I know is getting pregnant. WTF is up with that? Are we in some kind of "baby boom" again? *laffs at myself* My friend calls and tells me she is pregnant and my response "Oh". I mean WTF is wrong with me. *giggles* I should be like "congratulation" or "that’s so cool beans" or "how cool is that", yet what I’m thinking is "what are you going to do with that." I know I’m nuts. But really I am happy for the ones that have just found out. I pray each of them experiences the love a child can bring because it’s like no other.

*~*~*

Well that’s all for me today. Duties are calling and bossman should be in shortly. Have a wonderful Hump Day!

~rainy smooches~

Cuddle Time

2006-07-05T14:49:00.000-05:00

Everyone needs it and I hope everyone loves it. I know I sure do. It’s moments like this that make life worth living. Sure there are many other things in the world worth living for but it’s when you have someone and it feels at that moment not another soul is around. See Tuesday I got me some "cuddle time". Most people think ewww hugging and canoodling and kissing. Well that is far from what I call "cuddle time". To me it’s when Aaron and I have been left totally alone and we play fight all day long. Yes that is what I love. Though most the time I actually hurt him more than I intend to, it’s just heaven. For example I might try to tickle his feet and then he pins me down and pinches my inner thighs knowing it’s killing me. Then I give up and not 2 seconds after I’m all over him again. This can go on for hours with the two of us. I guess since I’m so young and never had a relationship like ours before I get wrapped up in this feeling that overcomes me. I’ve never been so comfortable with another human being. Knowing this has made our relationship better. We both know now the things we would lose if we didn’t have one another. I think a few years ago we didn’t know how good we have it.

Anyways go out and get you some "cuddle time". Live in the moment, you never know what you might learn or discovery.

~sweet summertime kisses~

Baby Blues

2006-06-21T12:11:00.000-05:00

So he keeps saying how he wants a child. He keeps saying that he only has 3 years left before he will even want to have a child. Yet he can’t go to work 5 days a week. Yet he can’t think for him self and take the trash out when it’s full and don’t just throw shit on top of the pile. *grrrrrrrrrrrrr* Am I selfish for not wanting a child? Sometimes I just want to give in to his wishes and pop one out if that is what it takes. But then how fair is that to me. The one that gets all the hard shit to do, not the one that just gets to "show" it off to family members or whoever he thinks he needs to "show" it off to. It’s like he doesn’t think about the things we need to do 1st before having a child. Things I would have to give up totally: smoking ...all kinds, eating healthier (yuck), parting, etc. Things I would have to do to make sure a child could live in our home safely: baby proof (which would take eons), re-paint all walls since they haven’t been painted since forever, make the spare room into a baby room which would consist of painting, fixing the floors, fixing the old windows, etc. Things I would have to deal with on a daily basis: his and my mother spoiling the child to death plus both fighting over "how we should raise the child" or my favorite, fighting over "who gets to watch it 1st". My mind achs when I really start thinking about it all. So how can he keep pushing me for something that I have never craved?
I’m in the baby blues. I’m tired of hearing that I should have one. I’m tired of people telling me what a "wonderful" mother I would be. I’m sick and tired of people not listing when I say "I DON"T WANT A BABY!". Don’t get me wrong I do love kids. There are a few I get to share n my life and it’s just joyous. Child are the ideal of love. That’s what they are ....right? So why should I not want one, love is me.

Then it goes back to "what if one of us can’t produce?". Eight years of no protection, wouldn’t you think somewhere we would have made a little mistake? I sure the hell think so. But who am I to say what the future will hold. I’m just aggravated about the whole situation.

~baby blue kisses~

Looking Pass Faults

2006-06-08T11:44:00.000-05:00

Faults, we all have them. Some are the same, some are totally different. We each have demons we fight and light that saves us from them. It’s real easy for me to look pass someone’s faults because I always look at the good in someone. I always have and always will. Even the real bad people I still try to find some good in them, some kind of hope.

Is it wrong on me to be so optimistic? Don’t we usually get burnt in the end when we do look at the good and look pass the bad? Honestly, I feel it’s still worth it. Even if we/I get hurt in the end. Am I crazy? Okay well I know I am. *laffs*

What has brought this up to make me write about it you might ask. I could say but it would only make me sadder than I am today. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so positive. I mean ....why can’t I take for once. Why should I be the one to give and give. Answers to these questions are impossible because I am who I am. This feeling will pass, it always does.

~hopeful kisses~

2006-06-05T09:59:00.000-05:00

If you haven’t notice her in on the right side of my blog, then look now. *hehehe* I took the advise from Michelle to adopt a pet. Goblin, in memory of Jill Pill. You can feed her dog treats ...and she barks ...and she’s green! *giggles* Jill’s death is still so hard for me. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her, miss her, cry for her. I still feel so no whole without her. Sad part of the whole thing is I still have not been to her grave because it’s just way to hard for me. She touched so many people it’s just unbelievable. Even my best friend Matt hated dags till he meet Jill. Now he has his own dog and it’s because of Jill. I was holding Jack last night (that’s a job and a half), he is also very lonely without her. Let’s just say when I’m home his is right at my side, as I am to him.

*~*~*

So I fixed up my next tattoo. Yes it’s going to be the elephant fairy! (visit Scribbles on my links to view) Michelle I adore this picture, btw. I have been searching for years for an elephant tattoo that fit me. So Sunday I plan to have my favorite tattoo artist tatt it on me. *grins & giggles* Now if I can make it through the week I’ll be doing good.

~*~*~

Got a voice message from an old friend I haven’t talked to in a while, Jen. Sounds like she is still having hard times. If I believe right she and Sean are still together. But the message was if I had heard from a mutual friend/jerk, Chris. Well I have not heard from him and plan not to. I wish and pray she stays away from him as well, he is nothing but trouble with a big "T". Granted I was crazy when I thought he was cool or even what I would have wanted in my life at that time. So this message got me thinking about where I was a few years ago and where I am now. Thankfully I am where I am today. I can’t image being as happy as I have been with Aaron. He truly loves everything about me. My faults, my pride, my ugly, my good, my light, and my dark... the way I can be so dorky from time to time. He loves it all. And he and I have worked so hard at our relationship since then. It was like we were lost and now we found ourselves all over again. *giggles* Like yesterday I was a "bear" and stayed at home all day, he stayed with me, but went and got me breakfast. Though it was just the two of us all day it was heaven. He showered me with love all day long. I love you baby and I am so very thankful to share my all with you.

*~*~*

Well since it’s Monday I better get some of these *ugh* files off my desk. Oh one more thing, if you eat at McDonald’s at all please buy the salads. They are donating 50 cents from every salad sold to your local Breast Cancer Research. Help all of us find a cure.

~sweet happy smooches~

This Friend of Mine

2006-06-03T13:45:00.000-05:00

I got this friend, she means the world to me
I got this friend, she has my love for all time
I got this friend, she is more amazing than she knows
I got this friend, she is truly one of kind
I got this friend, she touches my heart
I got this friend, she shares herself with me
I got this friend, and I’m never letting go

~*~*~

So today I got my surprise. (I'll post it as soon as I can) OMG I fucking love it to pieces and back again. I was totally shocked and speechless. How can it be... this person I’ve never touch... yet I love her unconditionally. It must have been fate when we found one another. The stars pulled us close and we never let go.
Thank you so much Michelle, Brandon, & Miss C. You guys do not know how thankful I am to know you and to share our lives even though distance lies between us. Getting this simple little surprise has brought me so much happiness & joy. Tell Miss C, she is taking after her mom in the art department. Oh and Mr. B, you need to write a book. *winks* Thank you, thank you, thank you sooooooooo much guys. My love is with you always. I’ll try to call you again later if you don’t get back with me before. *leaves kisses all over*

*~*~*

I went and saw the next X-Men movie. I liked it, yet I thought they put so much in it. Maybe it’s because I never read all the story, but man did this movie fly by so fast. Aaron says they won’t make another one, but I don’t believe him, or I choose not to. *laffs* He said he didn’t like it as much as he liked the other ones. Such a sour puss! *giggles* If you are a fan I would defiantly go see it.

~*~*~

I want another tattoo. But I don’t know what I want. *light goes off* Maybe I should shrink the lovely elephant fairy Michelle drew me and get it. God that’s the best idea I’ve had in a while. So as long as you don’t mind I think that is what I’m going to do. *winks* OMG now, I want it now. Now... Now! *hehehe* Yeppers, it going on my body some where. Ashley and I was talking and I think it would look perfect on my back in the middle in between my shoulders. What do you think?

~fairy elephant kisses~

Just Another Friday

2006-05-19T14:39:00.000-05:00

I haven’t had much to write about. My mind has taken a break. *lol* I’ve been trying to come up with a good post of WOW, but I still don’t have anything. At least nothing as humorous or serious as any of the other posts.
*~*~*
Got the weekend to myself. Aaron has a "scenario" paint-ball thing down in Arkansas this weekend. I am excited to be alone for a bit. I have many things planned. 1st thing I’m sleeping in on Saturday and watching my cartoons in bed, because I don’t have to work. *woohoo* Then I’ll proceed to mow my lawn and cut down some junk that needs to go away. Next, a trip to good o’l Wal-mart to find a "cheap" swimsuit and other river goodies for Sunday. Saturday night it’s "daiquiri" night at Crystal’s, which I hope we get some new photos to add to our myspace accounts. Mine is way out dated! *lol* Then early Sunday (oh man maybe I shouldn’t get "wasted" Saturday night) ....my mom, brother and some of his friends are all going floating. Ahh it will be so nice to just float down the river with a beer in hand! I hope to get a water proof camera to take along. Maybe I’ll get some new photos then as well as Saturday night. So as you can see I shall be busy. It will be good for me. It’s been sometime now since I’ve spent anytime with Crys and the kids. I bet I burn like hell on Sunday. *laffs at myself*
~*~*~
My sexy fairy says she has a surprise for me. I am extremely excited about it, even though I have no idea ...okay maybe some idea what it could be. There is just something about surprises that I just love. That feeling that someone wants to do something or give something from the heart is a feeling that is indescribable. I cherish you so much babydoll.
*~*~*
Well that is all I can think of for now. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend.
~XOXOXOXOX’s~

1 Year!

2006-05-13T14:47:00.000-05:00

OMFG .....

~grins wickedly~

I've been here a year!!!!!

I just notice that ..wow

...kk peace!

A Song to Brighten the Day

2006-05-13T12:58:00.000-05:00

Would you go with me...

if we rolled down streets of fire,

Would you hold on to me tighter

as the summer sun got higher

If we roll from town to town

and never shut it down

Would you go with me...

if we were lost in fields of clover

Would we walk even closer

until the trip was over

And would it be okay

if I didn't know the way

If I gave you my hand would you take it and make me the happiest man in the world.

If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, girl.

Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea...

Let me know if you're really a dream.

I love you so, so would you go with me

Would you go with me...

if we rode the clouds together

Could you not look down forever

If you were lighter than a feather

Oh, and if I set you free,

would you go with me.

If I gave you my hand would you take it and make me the happiest man in the world.

If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, girl.

Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea..

Help me tie up the ends of a dream

I gotta know, would you go with me

Ilove you so, so would you go with me...

Person & Title

~Josh Turner - Would You Go With Me~

Another One Bites the Dust

2006-05-05T15:52:00.000-05:00

FUCKKKKKKKK MAN! Okay so I’ve (we) have lost one grandfather, one grandmother, my best friend Jill (yeah she’s a fucking dog, but she was my world), and now our cocktail flew away into the clear blue sky. So who’s the next one to go ...only time can tell. Hopefully I’ll be here tomorrow but the way the luck is going around that could be an underestimate. I’m only joking, I’ll be here... till the end of time.

As for poor Al, Aaron left the front door open without checking his cage first (as I have always told him to do). And yes he flew ...flew like a bird that had never flown before. We spent all night trying to get him to come off the electric line across town. (Aaron chased him for about 2 hours prior to me finding out what happen.) At about 10:30 p.m. we gave up. We went home and talked about him till Aaron felt better. See he loves this bird so much, he is taking it really hard. It was his first bird and we have had him for four years now. All was well by the time we went to bed.

Come morning I guess Aaron decided to drive by the wire we left him on. Sure enough there he was. (OMG I could tell a long ass story but I’m cutting it down a lot). I had to go to work so I left him and my mother there ...yelling for this bird who looks like he wants to come down but doesn’t really know if he should. 20 minutes into work I get a call, "Honey we called the fire department and they are going to help, see if you can get here asap because Terry (fireman) says he would let you go up the ladder to get it, but only you can do it."( How embarrassing is this?) So as soon as I could I left to find them, get another call as I’m leaving the office, "We are two house down from your bosses house in the back yard ...hurry." I get there and OMG there is the fire truck (with the lights on ..lmao), an electric company truck (with his flashers on), my brother in his box-truck for work (with his flashers on), my brother’s girlfriend’s car (with the flashers on), and my mother’s car (with her flashers on). You would think there was some kind of major emergency or something! So I decided to park at my bosses and walk down. As soon as I get there I see the electric guy with this huge pole about 7 inches from Al. As soon as I came in sight Al went to step on the hook on the pole, but instead flew so far away not one of us could see him anymore.

I thanked everyone and told them to GIVE UP! *LMFAO* Terry tells me they got a picture and are thinking about putting it in our local paper. I am dying here folks ....OMG! So all of us loaded everything up and split. Mom said she was going to buy Aaron another bird, but I told her not to because Aaron would only be sadder. I pray Al can find food and shelter and make it out in the wild. Otherwise I hope he flies high ...back to the angels!

~feathery kisses to our birdy, wherever he may fly~

Happy Birthday Bud!!!!!!!!!!

2006-04-26T09:15:00.000-05:00

Today is my little brother’s birthday. Happy Birthday Dusty! I love you so damn much! He is turning 22 today. Seems like yesterday he was this short dude that I loved to pick on all the time. *LOL*

*~*~*

So mom got her back check from the State and I feel this huge relief lifted. My boss is fucking amazing. As most of you know, I did all the work on her case and yes won it with out having a hearing in front of a Judge. *yes ....yes....yes ....ahhh ....yes ....ahhh ....yes* So being the most awesome boss ever, he split his attorney fees with me. *insert shocked look* I cried, I shook, I was in disbelief. How can someone be as giving as that? Granted I busted my ass, but still he split the check to the cent with me. This is the largest sum of money anyone ....ANYONE has ever gave me. I still keep looking at my checkbook in shock. *giggles & grins* I suppose it does pay off when you work hard. Life is grand when you can wake up everyday and look forward to work. I am one of the "lucky" ones! ~smiles softly~

~*~*~

I was invited to join a group of people to contribute to a blog, Wand of Wonder! I love the writing on this and I am so ashamed I haven’t gotten anything to write about yet. I did post one post about "rainy days - people that forget how to drive", but it is nothing compared to my brothers and sisters posts. Kudos to all of them. I can’t wait till I can add something just as good as their posts. So please visit the link under my links and be amazed! It’s an honor to be a part of this group, thank You Mal for the invite!

*~*~*

Well that is all for now! I’m off to enjoy my gloomy day. I hope your’s is filled with more sunshine than I will see today.

~sundew kisses~

Breaking the Cycle

2006-04-14T10:37:00.000-05:00

As the years have went by I have started to realize something. I am not as social as I once was. So last night I really started thinking about this long and hard... what is the source? Well the answer rang like a bell on Sunday morning, Aaron. He has this problem with being around large crowds of people. Be it a party, restaurant, movies, etc. Now because I love him I have not pushed him to go to places I want to go. For example, a couple of weeks ago he wanted to take me to Ryan’s, which is a huge buffet. We were a block away and he says "Oh man they are going to be so busy." So instead of responding with "We are going", I simply said well lets go somewhere quite then. In which we did. I would have never done this before. Or for example the boys have many shows and I am always wanting to go, reasons I don’t get to go to the ones I want to go is because Aaron would rather not. It’s not that he doesn’t like the music, but again the crowd of people. Why is he so stuck on this. I know he needs to see a professional and get some kind of help with this. I just know it’s driving me nuts. As much as I would love to do something I take a second look at it and decided if it’s something I can do with him, or if it’s something that he would not want to do.

So how do I break this cycle? The big question on my mind at the moment. I know if he did get some help, be it medication or therapy, I know things would be better for the both of us. But how do I convince him of this? I joke a lot with him about him being bi-polar. I know it’s not something to joke about, but if I get all serious on him then it’s like I’m "putting" him down. That is so far from the truth. I want him to be happy and want to enjoy the simple things in life like going out for a nice dinner. Or going out with some friends and enjoying the fun. I would hate to start doing these things without him because a do love him so much.

I understand staying home, because I do love being home as much as he does. But sometimes you need to get out and get some air. Have a beer or two. Enjoy the small things I suppose. In his eyes he see it as "spending more money". I do understand him, I just want to break this cycle sometimes. Or have him surprise me once in a while. Last night I asked him a simple question that turned into silence, what was the last "nice" thing you have done for me without me asking? The only thing he could think of was "opening doors" for me. So then he thought he be smart and ask me the same question. Well I listed tons of things. He was in shock. The point of asking this question was to show him that our relationship is not 50/50. More like 70/30. I just want him and me to be happy and safe. But these things need to be addressed before I do marry him. I want no regrets when it does happen and if we work hard at our relationship I do not see where we can fail.

*~*~*

The blahs are leaving me finally. The sun is shining above and the birds & bees are out in force. I can’t wait to take a picture of my Whisteria tree, it is gorgeous. I love the smell of those flowers. They remind me of grapes because of the way they hang.

~flower smooches covered in pollen~

Get With It or Get Out of the Way

2006-04-12T13:22:00.000-05:00

I got to get with it. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut again. It seems that I just can’t get it all together. My mind is running on empty and I need some fuel. But in this world there is so many types of fuel. Maybe it’s because work has been extremely busy. We are in need of another person to work because it’s taking it’s toll on me. He said he was keeping his eye open for another girl, but I don’t think he meant it. He likes the way the office is going, he is happy with just me, Ashley 3 to 4 times a week, Harriet 2 times a week and Cindy when she can come in. I am just extremely tired anymore. Maybe I’ll get some rest soon before I fall over.

~*~*~

I’m tired of trying and trying, I give up. Let it go and if it comes back it’s meant to be. ...So be it. *sighs hard*

*~*~*

Jill’s death is still haunting me. I can’t sleep because I see her. I can’t eat because my tummy is consistently upset. I knew it was going to be hard on me, but never imagined it being like this.

~*~*~

I want to change my name and move to a far away land. I want to fly far far away till I find my core again. I want too much ....

~distant kisses~

Hello Again

2006-04-04T15:06:00.000-05:00

Hello ....hi ....*waves*

Doing better now. I sure do miss her and some parts of the day are harder than most. Like
when I come home I expect to see her too, and well she isn’t there. She is ...in spirit with
me always. Best damn dog I have ever had, she was my best friend.

*~*~*

So the weather has been scary lately and I fear we are only at the beginning of Tornado
Season. I don’t know if Buffalo has ever been hit by a major one, if so it was way before
my time. Few years ago in Urbana, my best friend Jason lost everything. It’s scary how fast
something can destroy a town, home, etc. My heart goes out to all the ones that have had
to deal with this and more in the last month or so.

~*~*~

When are you getting married? The most asked question I get. Well what if I never get
married, what if I just stayed engaged till I die. Do I need a certificate that says “Your
Married”? I highly don’t think so. Don’t get me wrong I’m not mad at Aaron or anything.
I would marry him, no I will marry him when the time is right for the both of us. *laffs*
One of my friends thought we were married! *LMAO* What’s the big deal anyhoo?
Somedays I wish I was all alone, that’s not a bad thing. It’s good to want “you” time. What
makes it bad is when you wish you were with someone else. That I haven’t done for a very
long time. Take that back, I always am wishing to be with my wicked pixie... someday!
*winks to her*

*~*~*

For my birthday I bought myself one of the greatest pornos of all time. Or at least in my
book. “Pirates” a huge porn production. OMG those ladies are smoking ...hot foxes. The
guys aren’t to bad either. The story is hilarious and the acting is poor at times, but it’s a
porno. It makes me hot. I think for Halloween this year I’m going to be a wench/pirate.
Anyways this is a Digital Playground production and I HIGHLY recommend it.

~*~*~

Oh some really good news ......we won mom’s SSI case! *yippiee ca yeah* I am so happy.
She will be getting her back check soon and her monthly should start after that. YAY YAY
YAY! She has been doing better, health wise, but then again it’s been months since she
seen a doctor since they took her medicaid away. But I’ll get her in soon.

*~*~*

Well that’s it for now.
~sunny kisses all around~

Jill Pill, My Babygirl Forever

2006-03-31T08:24:00.000-06:00

She is gone, my baby girl. My everything. How I will miss her, miss her love, miss her affection, miss her smell, miss the way she loved her tennis balls, miss the way she would greet me every day with her smile and the wag of her tail, miss the way she would try to sneak into bed like we didn’t notice her, miss the way she would tuck her head under my chin, I’m missing her so much and I don’t know what to do.

I’m not doing good right now. I am afraid what I am feeling, what is hurting the most.

My chest is closing in, my breath is slow. My heart is torn into tiny pieces.

She was and will always be my baby girl.

~blows kisses to doggie heaven~

Uninvited

2006-03-14T12:15:00.000-06:00

I wanted to share a song with you all that I had once forgotten. I know you must all be familiar with it or at least familiar with the artist. Alanis Morissette - Uninvited.

This song makes me think of all those times when a person steps into your life at the wrong time or unwelcome. I once went through this with a man about two years ago. He came into my life and said everything he thought I needed to hear. I dedicate this to him.

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you you’re not allowed
You’re uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd meet shepherd
But you you’re not allowed
You’re uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You’re uninvited
An unfortunate slight
I don’t think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate

I got this CD Saturday and I love every song on it. I highly recommend it to any Morissette fan. The Collection. If you get the one with the DVD too, even better.

~smooches & hugs~

A Blah State of Mind

2006-03-08T12:18:00.000-06:00

That is what happens when winter months set into a person. *laffs* So it just must be the
winter blues that have kept me away from writing. Hell it’s what has kept me from doing
shit too. That’s okay coz spring is around the corner and this butterfly will emerge from her
cold quite shell. A different butterfly from last year or even at that matter, a different
butterfly from any past years.

I say this because I have sensed a change in the person I once was. Maybe not a change
that one could see by a glance, but an inner change. Could be that Aaron finally asked me,
could be from being hurt deeply by someone close to me, or it just could be because I
turned another year older. Either way “I’m loving it”!

*~*~*

Been having these dreams/nightmares of my brother Scott lately. I know why I am having
them, I just wish they would stop. There is this one that is so clear to me, I’m walking
through the woods hearing him cry, I find him in this huge deep hole, I’m screaming for
him to grab the rope but he won’t. The hole is to deep and his cries get louder, I wake up
balling. It’s tough when a sibling won’t get the help he/she needs. Scott has a warrant out
for him in the county I live in. So all these dreams/nightmares revolve around him being
in trouble or him not wanting help. He and I were so close as kids leaving poor Dusty to
be momma’s boy. Now though Dusty and I are the closest we have ever been and I feel
so distant from Scott. Of course I did cut him out of my life, and the guilty is another thing
haunting my dreams, but what else could I have done. A question I will never have an
answer for. I miss you Scott, and I’ll always love you.

~*~*~

Wedding stuff has been put aside for now. I want to elope to Vegas and well Aaron wants
to elope close by. We are butting heads so nothing has been decided yet. But between you
and me I’m going to Vegas BABY!!!! *giggles & grins*

*~*~*

Back to my title... I am in a blah state of mind. Blah Blah Blah is all I hear. *laffs* Not that
I don’t care about things around me I just find them/it blah this month. It has to be the
winter blues ...it just has to be.

~blah blah blah and some more blah~

All Those Things & Morrrrrrrrrrrrrrre

2006-02-15T12:01:00.000-06:00

So here I go down this path of "getting married". So many options, so many things to do. I am a little sadden to say that I will not be eloping to Vegas. Aaron’s grandmother was very upset we were going to and with his grandfather passing away I agreed to have the wedding here in good ol’ Buffalo. *pouts a little* I know your suppose to do it the way you want it, well what if it means your going to offend a whole herd of peeps. So me being the "nice/submissive" one, gave in. I can always have my honeymoon there, Aaron wants to do a cruise though... that would be fun too. But then again I rather elope, and well Aaron would to, now that he is seeing what it takes. *LMAO* One way or another ...right?

So the biggest question I get is "when". We have finally set a date, ready for this ...............September 23, 2006, first day of Autumn, but a week later we find out one of our friends are getting married on that day too, now I just want to say screw it. Aaron mentioned June 6, 2006, which is a Tuesday, but that would work. Next biggest question is "where". We have talked this over and Aaron wants it outside. Which I am fine with. We don’t belong to a church so it would be very hard to get into one just for a wedding. Now the reception we can have at the O’Bannon Center, no problem there. But where to have it outside has been tough because if we were to have it at his grandmother’s there might not be enough room for guests, then again if we have it outside we will have the Missouri weather to deal with. So I’m stuck on it for now. Aaron was leaning last night to have it at the old park here, it has a gazebo and lots of room for guests and parking, and it’s like 2 minutes away from the O’Bannon Center. Still have decided yet.... grrrrrr! But if we do elope then all would be better for me, less stress!!!!!

Next thing is the "dress". *LMAO* You will never believe what Aaron said to me ....we were discussing "dresses", he informed me ...yes informed me that I can’t wear white coz I’m not a virgin! WTF????? I found it so hilarious and told him I was wearing white and if he had a problem with it I’d show him how good of a virgin I could be. I think that changed his mind!!!!! I really don’t know what style I want. I did have a dress picked out many of years ago but can’t find the picture among my mess of "pack rat" shit. I did find this beautiful "gypsy" wedding dress, but the price was over $1,000, I’ll be damned if I spend that much! It’s a stupid dress that I will wear for one day. It’s not about the dress ...or is it? I also have a problem, what to do about my tattoos on my arms. I love my tats, don’t get me wrong, but I am assuming it isn’t very lady like to display them at a wedding. There is of course makeup to cover them up, either way I’ll use makeup or get a dress that covers them.

My mother now wants to sit down with his mom and discuss their roles. OMG I will have to have a camera for that. I love my mother to death and I know she only means good, but it will be something to see the both of them discuss things. My mother has so many ideas, could be that I am her only girl and well yeah I’m getting married! *lol*

So here I am thinking to myself, all I wanted was a quiet wedding far away. And here I am getting a big wedding here in Buffalo. I don’t know whether to be happy or sad. I thought this was about Aaron and myself, but I am learning that is far from the case.

Mystic asked me one of the funniest things I have heard, what’s your colors? WTF? Now I have to pick colors! *LMAO* How about the colors of the rainbow? That would be pretty! *grins* She and I will have to get together and start this process. She will be my Maid of Honor, I really don’t know how many bridesmaids to have. I really really would LOVE if Michelle was one. We will see what happens still so many months away.

As I keep rambling on I’ll end this post here. Pictures to come ASAP, I swear!

~autumn moon kisses~

Oh yeah & Happy Late Valentines Day!

Happy Hippie!

2006-02-01T15:57:00.000-06:00

I am tickled pink! I got to talk with my wicked pixie, her hubby, and her beautiful daughter the other night. What a delightful treat for her to call and congratulate Aaron and me. I couldn’t stop smiling. Then afterwards I was on cloud nine, "Aaron did I really just get off the phone with her?" "Yes baby you did." "I can’t wait to meet them. It will be too awesome." "Why are you so excited?" "Because she is my sweetie, she has been a great friend to me for a while now. It’s just surreal to talk to her ....so neat!" "I’m just glad to see you smile and be so happy." "Thanks baby!" Thanks sis for calling ...we will have to do that more often, don’t you agree! *winks & blows fairy kisses*

*does the happy hippie dance ....shake shake shake ....shake shake shake ...shake your booty*

Okay so now that’s over lets see what to write about ........

Mom sold her house finally. YAY. Dusty was promoted to Assistant Manager at his store. YAY. YAY 2006 is starting out good. Hopes it stays that way. I’ll post a picture of the "ring" in the next day or so.

~hippie smooches~

IT HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!

2006-01-30T12:20:00.000-06:00

It finally happened... I knew someday it would. I don’t know how to feel or how to act. I am excited yet sad yet happy yet worried, yet somehow the excited part is taking over it all. I mean I have waited 7 years for this, okay well not waited because anyone that knows me well enough knows this isn’t something I dreamed about all the time. But after 7 years Aaron has asked me to marry him!

I said no about 6 times and laughed and then said yes. I was so shocked I just didn’t know what to do. No was for he just shocked the hell out of me, laughter was from me being extremely happy (see I laugh instead of cry when I’m extremely happy), and of course my answer was YES! *grins & giggles*

He played it real cool. Saturday he had to work a half day. The night before I guess he was going to ask but we had company all night and didn’t get the chance. So Saturday after he got home he told me that my car was acting funny and he wanted to look at it before we went to the store. Told me to come out with a flashlight when he honked the horn. I decided I just go out with him because I know there is nothing wrong with my car. He said to hang a sec he had to get a tool. Me paying no attention to him waited for him to head out the back door to my car. I followed, he had me turn it on and he messed around a bit. *laffs*(Okay so if you read here before you know he hurt his knee pretty bad weeks ago.) So he hits it on the bumper and falls to the floor on one knee. I was so not thinking anything except get up because there is oil down there and I hope you didn’t just hurt yourself even more. Boom here pops out the ring (black pearl, white gold, I’ll post a picture really soon.) and bam he asks as I am walking backwards saying ...no Aaron ...oh baby noo ...laffs ...what no ....why ...I mean yes I meant no coz you just shocked the piss out of me. Now can we say AWWWWWWWWWW! Who would have guessed he ask me in my driveway while I was in my purple fuzzy slippers! Not me!

No dates are set yet. We do know we will not have a big wedding, eloping to Vegas Baby! Hell yeah! But I will inform you all as soon as we have a date in mind. Few of our friends want to go because they can’t believe we are engaged after 7 years, they just don’t think I’ll marry him. So save your nickels and dimes peeps, this will be something forever to remember and something that will never happen again.

~happy excited smooches~

My Devil ...please

2006-01-20T11:12:00.000-06:00

It was a cold night. She curled up under the covers to keep warm. Her mind drifting.. her body yearning. Slowly caressing herself till she couldn’t take it any longer. The phone was right next to her, why doesn’t she just call. The sensations he has let her feel before are haunting her mind. His smell still lingers among her pillows. She grabs the phone... "Hello my devil, please please come as fast as you can. My body is yearning for you, I must have you tonight" She waits in the dark. He arrives within a moments notice, how sexy his voice is when he calls out for her. "I’m in here my devil, come to me." The expression on his face says it all, she is a bad girl and is about to get all she deserves and more. Gently he runs his hands through her hair, tugging on it towards the end. She smiles as she shivers knowing she has asked for it. Caressing her breasts he slips his hands down. She lets out a gasp and he just smiles. Feeling her moisture he pulls away. "What makes you think you need this tonight?""I beg of you my devil, please please don’t stop!" He continues slowly and seductively caressing her from below. Throwing her back he pulls the covers off her letting her lie before him in all her glory. How the curves glow in the moonlight, her face becomes red. "Embarrassed are we?" "No my devil, never before your eyes." She comes to him and undoes his belt ...tugging it like a new present. He stands there and fixates his eyes upon her. She pulls out the prize she so wanted. His pants fall to the floor. "May I?" "Yes, show me how long you have yearned." She feels his cock pulsate, how it sends fire through her body. She places her lips upon it letting him slip between them, how she has wanted this, she thinks to herself, finally. He grabs her head and pulls on her hair, pulling him deeper into her. She continues till he is rock hard, dripping wet she knows she must have him now. Pulling herself back she lies down. "Please my devil give me my dreams." He pulls her closely and enters her with force. A moan slips from her lips. He smiles. Pulling him deeper into her, feeling his hands move along her hips. He drives into her making her moan for more. She doesn’t notice the coldness anymore, she feels the heat rise quickly. "Thank you my devil ...thank you."

~*~*~

Just a taste of some short fantasy stories I hope to share. I told you I needed some erotic fun asap! Any comments are always welcome!

~red hot smooches~

2006-01-19T12:31:00.000-06:00

Monday was one of the hardest days I have had in a while. It all happened to quick and to unexpected. But it’s not like death to say "Hey I’m coming now so say your goodbyes." Maybe in some cases you know, but in this case everyone was shocked. Grandpa Cooper was always the healthy one. Dr says quit this, he did, Dr says take these, he did, I think if the Dr told him anything, he did it with out question. But the best part of this whole order is he lived the life he wanted, and he was so happy too. The verse in my last post was his favorite. I myself am not religious, but I wanted to share that with you all, share it with him one more time. He lived to see great grandchildren, and children most of all was his joy. I kept strong all this time, till we were following the family car to the cemetery, I lost it. But it’s good, it’s okay. Aaron has wrote his grandfather a song, and well here in a few days we both will visit him and Aaron will play it for him. He will look down and feel the love his grandson has for him forever ....for eternal time. Thank you Michelle, Brandon, and Mystic for being here for me. Just knowing you each brings such joy, such life to me. I am forever in your debt!

~*~*~

I’m doing okay. Duty calls and here I am working like a slave. What I think I need the most is hugs ...warm embraces. So with that said I give you each a special embrace for sharing your lives with me, sharing it all. May you always carry my love with you, and may I carry yours forever.

~warm long embraces~

Sad Day

2006-01-16T08:28:00.000-06:00

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not
want. He maketh me to lie down in
green pastures; He leadeth me beside
still waters. He restoreth my soul;
He leadeth me in the paths of
righteousness for His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the
Valley of the shadow of death, I will
fear no evil; for Thou art with me.
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort
me. Thou preparest a table before
me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou anointest my head with oil;
my cup runeth over.
Surley goodness and mercy shall
follow me all the days of my life;
and I will dwell in the house of
the Lord forever.
23rd.Psalm
~*~*~*~
In Loving Memory of
Hubert Wayne Cooper
May 14, 1929 to January 13, 2006
~*~*~*~
Today we lay to rest one of the most simple men I knew. He was so loving and so family orientated. The man I speak of is Aaron’s Grandfather, Hubert Wayne Cooper.
May our love be with you eternally.

2006-01-13T10:08:00.000-06:00

Aaron has injured himself and I just want to beat the hell out of him. I know it wasn’t all his fault. He was playing football with the guys and has torn a ligament and pulled a muscle in his knee. So he has been home for a week now in a knee brace and I’m about to lose it. It’s like he doesn’t tell me the "whole" story when he does something. For example about a few months ago he says he going to buy this paintball gun from his buddy Chris. I was okay with that, but neglected to ask the big question ..."How much". Few weeks after he gets it, Shane and Bubba come over and Shane is all like asking how much. "You lucky bastard I bet you got it for $100.00" Quietly under Aaron’s breath "Man I didn’t get it for that" "How much then?" Again very quietly under his breath "$300.00". Now I just sat at the computer and acted like I didn’t hear a thing, but soon after the boys leave I went off. So it’s this silly stupied shit he always keeps from me. Why? I’m not a fucking bitch that would like beat him or anything. Hell I barely even yell that much. I am a loving soul and I always look at things in different views. Anymore though I just can’t handle him not telling me the "whole truth". Leaving out bits and pieces as to "save" his ass. WTF? I just don’t get it. He made a huge mistake about a month ago and called me a bitch to my face and meant it. I told him then if he ever talks to me that way I wouldn’t hesitate to leave his sorry ass. I just will not put up with it. It would be one thing if I was a bitch, I could admit it, but I’m not. I like to be, but I just don’t have it in me. I was telling my co-worker the other day I like being nice, if I didn’t it wouldn’t be so hard for me to be a bitch. Now of course I can be when needed, but it makes me feel like shit afterwards. Oh well something new to get over.

*~*~*

Mom is working hard at selling her house. I wish I could just hand her over money everyday, but then I still be a poor little white girl. Maybe the gods and goddess will bless her soon. Dusty is still doing great with work and paying his bills. Of course they bumm money from me here and there but it’s nothing compared to supporting them like I once was doing.

~*~*~

I wish we had a stripper class around here. I hear about these classes all the time in the big cities. Could you see me? Oh what a site! I think I would and could make it big! I need some erotic fun ...asap!

~sexy kisses~

2006 ....

2006-01-11T12:25:00.000-06:00

In the year 2006 I resolve to:
Smoke canadian weed.

Get your resolution here

LMAO ....well I know of one person that lives in Canada, maybe he will forward me some ....LMAO!

Okay folks here is a secret about me ....I hide-out in the winter months. I keep to myself, and well I like it that way. At least the only person I can piss off is myself and Aaron. So nothing new with me ....maybe in a month or two something will transpire. Till then ...SMOOCHES!

What am I .....

2005-12-29T15:42:00.001-06:00

Who Knew! ~winks & grins wickedly~

2005-12-28T09:56:00.000-06:00

Hello ~waves~

I was told I haven’t wrote in here since the 16th, so here I am. I really don’t have much to write about but let us see ....

Christmas is over and I feel spoiled. *grins* I got just about everything I had wanted which is quiet wonderful. Here are a few of the items I was blessed with: a Digital Camcorder which takes pictures, video, voice recorder and MP 3s; a MP3 Player ...(which I am in love with); a "Mystic Fire" ring (for those that are clueless it’s a topaz enhanced by a man or woman); a Fairy Necklace (from my best friend and her kidos ...love you guys); a Towel Set for the bathroom; Fuzzy Purple Monster Slippers (so warm and cute); Sunflowers (perfume ...my favorite); a Pink Floyd hoddy and Adidas hoddy; and many more items. So as you can see I was spoiled, but told I was well worth it. Thank you all.

~I’m in the mood for a melody, I’m in the mood for a melody ...I’m in the mood~

Work has been lonesome because I’m the only one here. *pouts* You would think I could entertain myself, but it’s going on day four and all I want is someone here to bug. Sure I have plenty to keep myself busy, but it’s things I rather pass till closer to the end. Sure I could go o/l and chat, but shit I haven’t been on messenger in "FOREVERrrrrrr". ~laffs~ I know a few people there must be wondering what the hell has happened to me, but I’m cool ...I’m just right at the moment.

~I can’t sleep I wonder if you can ...too many thoughts running through my head, I’ve been laying here awake for hours, until the night became the day and I wonder, do you give head ...and I wonder, do you take it in the bum ...and I wonder, do your tits look like I imagine them in my mind~ Visit www.myspace.com/zenithfarm2 ....this is a sample of one of their many many songs entitled "Dirty Love Song". I love these guys to death and wish that they played more. If you do visit the site, they are offering a free CD to those who want ...so feel free to get it because they freaking rock!

Well that’s all folks!

~jams off into my world blowing rocking smooches~

2005-12-16T21:45:00.000-06:00

So I'm in this "joyous" mood ...LOL! Really don't know why but it's pretty sweet. I wished I had all my love ones around to squezze the piss out of them. ~giggles~

A Poem I Once Got From A Friend....

Friendship is like piss in your pants... Everyone can see it but only you can feel it's true warmth. Thanks for being the piss in my pants!

~*~*~

Holiday shopping can be fun ....and we repeat ....Holiday shoppng can be fun ....and we repeat ..... LMAO!

*~*~*

So sweet night to you all. My love is coming through your mirrors ...so beware ...muuhahahaha!

~Joyous Smooches~

Update on Mother

2005-12-15T16:00:00.000-06:00

So an update on my mother....

They have totally taken her medicaid away now and she can not get food stamps either. Because of the house she owns. Now she is wanting to sue the state for "attempted murder". I am about to wash my hands of the whole ordeal. She will not listen to me, she will not listen to my boss. She just won’t listen. I told her years ago to sell the house because it’s going to bite her in her ass. And well now it has. Yet now she wants to sell the house to my brother Dusty for the taxes owed. GRRRRRRRRR! Sell the piece of shit and use that money till it’s gone then fucking reapply for medicaid when the money is all gone. How fucking simple is that? But no she wants to call me uptin million times a day and make my life hell. WTF am I suppose to do mom ...make them pay for you? I just don’t get or understand what she wants. I am so frustrated at the whole mess. Then ...then she calls the 1800# on her social security disability to see where her case is, because me telling her isn’t enough. Talks to some man and tells him her sad story he tells her to have her attorney call the Springfield office to bump her case up to the 1st of the year, otherwise it would be sometime in August 2006 before she gets a hearing date for that. So I tell my boss and he says to go on and call them. So I do and I get the freaking run around (oh how I love to be pass around like a fucking rag doll). They end up telling me that we need to put everything in writing and send it to them. So now I wait to see if Mel wants to do this to help her out ...again. I swear I don’t see how a person can use someone as much as she has used me. Yes I know she is my mother ...I do, but mothers’ don’t do this crap to their daughters ...or at least they shouldn’t. I just want to run away ...far away ...maybe to the evil pixie land where I would fit right in.

I’ll keep you all posted ...................................................

~Electric~

2005-12-13T21:03:00.000-06:00

Why is it that every winter I seem to shock the piss out of me and everything around me? ~laffs~ I know it's the "dry" air ...but damn it's so strange. I've tried that spray shit ...who are they kidding? ~lol~ Oh well, I guess I'm just very electric!

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

~shocking smooches~

2005-12-10T12:31:00.000-06:00

Going along with the crowd isn't really your style, but if someone suggests something spur-of-the-moment -- a day trip, a museum excursion, a double-feature matinee with a snuck-in picnic lunch -- you're pretty much game for anything. While if left to your own devices you might spend much of the day lost in thought, if you join up with others (or one other in particular), there's much to be experienced -- and enjoyed.

My Horoscope for the day. *smiles* Which is funny because I was just invited to go out to dinner with a few great friends to celebrate Miss Ashley's B-Day. *YAY* Funny how things come together. I sure could use a night out with loving friends. So thank you for asking! Love Ya!

~soft smooches~

Either or ...I'm Game ~WEG~

2005-12-09T09:14:00.000-06:00

Backdoor Man ...Backdoor Woman ...which ever comes to me first at this point. *grins wickedly & bites lip* I need some excitement in my life and well either or could bring me what I am so due for.

~*~*~

Have you ever felt that you just don’t cut it for your other half like there is just something missing that you don't get or have? I did last night. Maybe it was just a feeling I had at that moment. I know that it’s not correct for me to say because I am told how much I do, but being told and actually feeling it are two different things. Going to have to work on this one...

*~*~*

My sweet girlfriend (woohooo I got a girlfriend ....WEG ....j/k) ....anyways, my sweet girlfriend pointed out something to me the other day. She said that maybe the reason I feel the way I do about Mystic is because I feel she doesn’t need me as much as she once did. So true sweetie, soooo true. I never really looked at it that way. She also talked about phases of life and how each of us have our own to go through. Another great point. Gosh how I love how she can get me thinking. ~winks~ Mystic and I are going through a different phase of life. Does that mean that we don’t love each other, hell no it doesn’t it. Does it mean that we don’t need each other anymore, well not totally true for I know I still need her, but maybe our needs have changed and they aren’t as strong as they once was. Either way I know deep in my heart now that things will work out, might not be the totally "happy" ending all of us might hope for, but that is okay and I am learning this. So no more blaming myself, no more being sad about things. From this point happiness is the key. For her and for me. I will always be here when you need me ...my love will care on forever. *sweet hugs Mystic*

~*~*~

I wished it would have snowed a little more yesterday. Now it’s icky out and well ....YUCK! ~lol~ Temperatures will hit around the 40's next week and it looks like no sign of more snow ...not yet at least. I slid all over the back roads yesterday. It was fun. Thankfully I made it up my drive way last night! I should have taken some photos to share, but since I didn’t we’ll have to wait for the next snow. ~winks~

Until next time ...

~sugar sprinkles all around~

~Led Zeppelin "Whole Lotta Love"~

2005-12-08T13:06:00.000-06:00

Or even this one ......such a classic!

You need coolin', baby, I'm not foolin', I'm gonna send you back to schoolin', Way down inside honey, you need it, I'm gonna give you my love, I'm gonna give you my love.

*Wanna Whole Lotta Love (X4)

You've been learnin', baby, I bean learnin', All them good times, baby, baby, I've been yearnin', Way, way down inside honey, you need it, I'm gonna give you my love... I'm gonna give you my love.

* Chorus Y

You've been coolin', baby, I've been droolin', All the good times I've been misusin', Way, way down inside, I'm gonna give you my love, I'm gonna give you every inch of my love, Gonna give you my love.

* Chorus

Way down inside... woman... You need... love. Shake for me, girl. I wanna be your backdoor man. Keep it coolin', baby.

That makes me think I need a backdoor man .....mmmmm licks lips. *grins wickedly*

~Live "All Over You"~

2005-12-08T12:58:00.000-06:00

In the mood for this tune .............

our love is like water, pinned down and abused for being strange, our love is no other ...than me alone for me all day, our love is like water, pinned down and abused all over you, all over me the sun, the fields, the sky I've often tried to hold the sea, the sun, the fields, the tide ...lay me now, lay me down .......our love is like water, pinned down and abused for being strange, our love is no other ....than me alone for me all day, our love is like angels pinned down and abused........

Let it Snow ....Let it Snow

2005-12-08T12:48:00.000-06:00

Today we got our first taste of snow. (hell yeah) The roads were still covered by the time I headed out. I slide all over the place and it was so much fun. *LOL* Aaron want so bad to drive me in fear I might lose "control" I, of course refused to let him. *hehehe* Schools were closed all over the area, and I started thinking ....if school is closed then work should be too. But I suppose it doesn't work that way. (go figure) But that's cool coz Ashley and I will be playing in the snow as much as we can. She has threaten me with a snowball fight ....that should be interesting!

Sending my love to those that need it.

*snowy smooches*

I'm Haunted ...beware ...beware!

2005-12-07T09:16:00.000-06:00

What’s wrong with me. Why can’t a kept a best friend? Why is it after years go by something always happens and ends it all. I have a history, you know.

My first "real" best friend was Paula Warnock in Texas. I was 13 she was 12, we never went anywhere without each other. I loved her with everything I had. Shortly I moved to Missouri and it seemed like my heart was breaking. It took me a while to find a friend to love and trust again, her name was Jannetta. Again we were attached at the hip. All through high school till my Junior year. I moved back to Texas in with Paula. Here I had left Jannetta because I just didn’t want to be here any more. I missed Texas to much and thought it missed me. Oh how wrong I was, but I didn’t figure that out for about 5 months. Paula and I were so happy to have each other again. All our old friends were still around, but none of them really liked each other anymore. Too many years had passed I suppose and I had no clue where or when things went sour. I spaced out my time there with each one, but it was enough. Paula had this boyfriend that also lived with us, oh how he would piss me off. Always flirting when she was gone, always prying into her and mine relationship. Well one night he went to far, he told her I had "came-on" to him and that he almost slept with me. Does she believe him .....well of course. And all hell broke lose. I swore to her that I would never and had never "came-on" to him, that it was the other way around and I feared I wasn’t the only one he flirted with. She of course said I was jealous of her, and believed him. At that moment I had never felt such sadness. I left Texas a few days later and moved back to Missouri.

I was so sad that drive back, but a little happiness crossed my heart when I thought I had Jannetta to come back to, I could tell her about everything that had happened and we would be so close once again. But much to my surprise that wasn’t going to be the case, I had just hoped it would have been. See while I was in Texas the group of "friends" we ran with had committed murder of one of the friends. It was the "gang" thing and the guy broke their rule so his punishment was death. One of the guys that committed this was Jannetta’s boyfriend. She had sent me newspaper articles on it while I was in Texas. The whole ordeal made me sick, I knew everyone that was involved. Thank the heavens I was not there and was in Texas. But back to my story... some that know this story know that the first thing I did when we got back (2:00 a.m.), was ran up the road to Aaron’s house. But that is not the story I am telling, back to "what’s wrong with me". Jannetta had changed but we seemed to pick up right where we left off, until the night she decided that Aaron was the kind of man she wanted. Shortly after that she and I was no more, she didn’t get Aaron, but she did get my ex-boyfriend. Kudos to her.

For a few years I had no one to call "best friend". I had lost the only one I wanted and I didn’t want to go down that road again. Years of sadness haunted my lonely heart. Sure I had Aaron, and his friends, but not someone I connected with at that level. Till one day I was in the grocery line and this cute blonde just up and started talking to me like we known each other all our lives. From that time on I had a "best friend" once again, wait strike that I had a "soul sister". But these days lately I feel that I have yet again lost her. I tried to make things better after what happen, a few phone calls, I even sent some beautiful flowers hoping that would remind her of my love. But to my sad surprise I don’t feel the love anymore. I really am beginning to believe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am haunted. Maybe I a doomed. Maybe I just fuck things up all the time. Just maybe I was/is not made to kept a best friend. I mean ...what the hell is wrong with me? Is it me? What did I do? What did I not do enough.

Today is a sad one for me. I miss her, I miss her smile, I miss her laughter, I miss her hugs, I miss the way she kisses my cheek goodbye, I miss the way people were so jealous of what we had, I miss her kids, mom and dad to death, I miss sharing her here with everyone, I miss the way she always seemed to need me, I miss those "girls-days-out" we once had, I miss the warm feeling that always came across me when in her presence.

What is wrong with me? What can I do? Where would I be if she wasn’t a part of my life, that’s a simple one for me to answer ....I would be where I am today, sad and alone.

~heartbreaking smooches~

2005-12-02T11:16:00.000-06:00

Ahhh my blog ....kiss kiss kiss.

First I want to wish a very black birthday to my sweetest, Michelle. Happy Belated Birthday babydoll (was December 1st). Go out and paint the town black.

*winks* Those above are all for you.

~black night smooches all over your hot body~

~*~*~

The four days I had off was not near enough. *laffs* Thanksgiving sucked and I didn’t even get to do anything for me. *pouts* My mother went off on Aaron and myself Saturday. Wasn’t very pretty and she didn’t even give us a chance to speak either. Few days later she says it was all for me, defending me against the way Aaron treats me. Sad part is he has gotten better due to me letting him know that I am not a puppet and that I do have feelings and that I do need help and that I do not bitch all the freaking time like others do. Where was she 2 years ago when maybe then I needed some one to defend me. It’s funny that the times you want the help or support no one wants to offer, but when you have things going good it seems they want to stick their noses in it and then say ..."well it was for you". *sigh* I think Thanksgiving would have went better if I would have had a dinner at my home. There is something about Aaron’s family that makes me very uncomfortable to be around for any time period. Now his Mom, well I love her to life and I could spent hours upon hours with her. But as for the rest of them I just don’t get that "family" feeling from them. Aaron says I’m crazy for feeling this way, that his family loves me. It’s not that I doubt they love me, it’s just the feeling I have when we are together. Maybe it’s because Aaron and I aren’t married, do not have children, and/or because we live in "sin". Also could it be that all they do is gossip about this person or that. Or could it be that they hate my boss due to years ago he represented someone against their son in a child custody matter, so now they hold this grudge even though the son won and my boss lost. All of these things and more add up. I wish I could feel good when I’m with them, I tried so hard to. Nobody is perfect and I know I am far from it, but I have been told I have the perfect nose. *laffs & winks*

*~*~*

Finally got my home pc running good. I have had to teach Aaron how to protect the computer when he goes off looking at porn. Three times now I have had to completely re-boot my pc due to him accepting things that should not be accepted and finally infecting my computer. Maybe this time it will stick and I won’t have anymore problems. But then again he is off work for about 2 weeks and well I know he will be surfing the porn sites. This doesn’t bother me because I do, do the same. What bothers me is when I know he was and he wants to deny it because the computer is fucked up once again. Fingers crossed he has learned his lesson.

~*~*~

I saw the first snowflake Monday morning. Ahh the snow. When I first moved to this region I hated the thought of it. Here a girl from Texas moves to a redneck state. OMG I was in misery. Now though as I look back I have fell in love with the winter, with the snow, and with the leaves as they turn and fall to the ground.

*~*~*

As for all my loved ones. I send you my thoughts and love.

~smooches~

2005-11-22T10:15:00.000-06:00

This is the week I have been waiting on. Sure I know your thinking ...because it’s Thanksgiving, but that is far off from why I am so happy. It’s because I finally have more than 1 or 2 days off, I got 4! Most people have those four days anyways, but I have wanted some days off forever now. Granted I love my job, there is no doubt there. But I am in need of a little rest and an energize so I’m back to full speed. I have notice for about a few months now I have been running on empty. Snapping at the smallest thing, getting pissed for no real reason. It hasn’t been fair to those that are around me, and really it’s not fair to myself. So yes ....finally I will have some rest.

~*~*~

First things first ...I’m breaking my promise to Crystal this one time. Yes I’m writing about you here! ~sticks tongue out~As anyone that has read past posts this women is the closest person to me. Lately we have not been talking as much as normal. Sure when we see each other a quick hi and bye ...a laugh here or there, but we both know we have not faced what happen. Biggest part is too much time has passed and now I don’t even know what to say. One of her posts (which btw I am so happy she is back to writing), said "You know that you get in the biggest fights with the people that you care about the most, because those are relationships your willing to fight for..." That is so true. Our "fight" resulted in hurt and misunderstood feelings from each other. She is the one person in my life I would fight to the end for. I don’t want to lose her and I do not want anyone to hurt her or harm her. It’s kinda funny that she has found him, because all I wanted was for this to happen for her. She so deserves this, and she has longed for it for so long. My biggest fear ..I will lose her forever. But if that meant her happiness would live on then so be it. Sure I can hear her now "Your not going to lose me ..ever." but I feel this way and I can’t change that. The first time I felt this way was the night it started. I wanted to spend time with them and well she wanted to spend time with him. Never had I ever thought about this in this way. I am sorry for feeling this way, and I also feel it is wrong of me, but it is my feeling. Soon all will be laid before us and we both will mend and heal and move on. I love you to life my best friend, I always will. I apologize for writing again here about you, but this is my life and you are one big factor in it! (get used to it) But for you and only for you I will not write about you here again.

*~*~*

I pray all my loving friends that your Turkey Day is awesome. Know you are in my thoughts at this time of year the most.

What I am thankful for ...
I am thankful for life, for family, for friends, for work, and for everything that gets us by when the going gets tough.

Most of all I am thankful for love.

~Soothing Smooches & Compassionate Hugs~

Wrap it Up ...B!

2005-11-16T14:35:00.000-06:00

*lmao* Okay so if you don’t understand my title then please watch Season 1 of the Dave Chappelle show. He does this episode on the "Wrap it Up ...B" button. It’s the music that plays when it’s time to get off stage from winning an award. I had totally forgot about it until last night while watching the CMA Awards. (Yeah I know ...I’m a dork). But it got me thinking of this episode because so many of the winners were getting pushed off stage with wrap it up music. Even the worlds best country band "Alabama" was shunned by the wrap it up music. But back to the button, this thing could be used for anything. Long drawn out calls from family members, long drawn out meetings at the office, used when a friend won’t shut up ...with one push the music plays ....LOL. OMG I love it .....~Wrap it Up .....B~

~*~*~

Damn it’s cold outside! Hey sis ...can I move in with You and hubby? I bet it’s damn warm there! ~lol~I had to freaking wear my jacket today ...wtf? ~laffs~ My poor little nips ...haven’t been so hard in ages .....j/k! Hard most the time, in high school I got the nick name of "Nips" ...rock hard I tell you what. ~WEG~ Damn when did I get so damn horny all the sudden! ~rolls~ MMMMMMM things I could do if I was in the right place! Aaron is in trouble tonight .....MEOW!!!!!!!

*~*~*

Got me a spot on "my space". It’s pretty damn cool, but I love it here more. I did it to stay in touch with a few people that only have those accounts. I also found a lady with the same name as me. WOW! I never thought I find anyone else named "Aasta". Waiting to hear back from her. So if you feel the need to visit me there ...here’s the link http://www.myspace.com/shimmerlove .....soon I’ll have it over with my other links.

~*~*~

All I can say or think of now ....is ....WRAP IT UP ....B! ~lmfao~ Oh another favorite from Dave is "fuck yo couch" ...or even better yet "I’m Rick James ..Bitch". Aaron does this so well, but he says "I’m Aaron James ..bitch" ...."cold blooded ...cold blooded" ~LMFAO Still~

~frozen kisses~

That's Weird .....LMAO

2005-11-10T10:32:00.000-06:00

~These Dreams Go On When I Close My Eyes ... ~

Last night I had a strange but nice dream. I was at a gathering, I couldn’t tell if it was a party or just a lot of people hanging out. Soon I catch my self making out with this guy that was not Aaron. We snuck into a bathroom stall and made out even more, nothing to it. His face has stuck with me all morning, who is he and why do I feel I know him? Usually when I have dreams about cheating I feel dirty in the morning, like I did something wrong. But this time I woke up and felt lovely. Is that wrong of me? Here Aaron and I are making progress and I go off and have this dream. The strangest thing though is I know I know this guy. His face is so familiar to me. I have racked my head all morning thinking of who he is and came up with nothing. I should let it go but that feeling I had won’t let me.

~*~*~

Tonight Miss Ashley M (see my link to her) is having a lingerie fashion show at one of the hot spots in Springfield. Now I was planning on attending this for she really wants me to go. I told Aaron about it and low and behold he wants to go. Could it be that there are going to be many of hot bodies, or could it be he is coming out of his depression and actually wants to do things with me in public. Either way I am stoked. She gets to start the show and from my understanding will be the lead lady. I will be taking pictures so look forward to them. She is such a beautiful woman with an amazing personality. Ash, if you read this, I love you like my little sister!

*~*~*

OMG I watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory last night. I have heard almost everyone around here say that they like the 1st one better, but as the freak I am I absolutely love this version. They did an exceptional job with this movie. I feel in love all over with the story line. Johnny Deep ....umm can we say "dreamy". *grins wickedly* Yes, well I can say it coz he so is! I thought he did a wonderful job in his character. I wanted to cry each time Charlie would open a candy bar and there wasn’t a Golden Ticket, even though I knew he get one. It was just all the emotions they put into each character it pulled me in deeper than ever before. I can’t wait to watch it again.

~*~*~

Today I am wearing black. There is just something about being in black that makes me feel so damn sexy. *laffs wickedly* I never really knew it till this am I caught myself standing in the mirror saying ....mmmm You look good enough to eat! *LMAO* I’m not a vain person by any means, but today I guess you could call me that. Or eat me ....I’ll leave it up to you. ~WEG~

~Black Sensual Smooches~

And the beat goes on ...and the beat goes on.

2005-11-08T08:21:00.000-06:00

Last night I got to listen to the first recording of Black Buffalo’s cd. It was just the music part, no lyrics added yet, but OMG does it sound awesome. First thing that came to mind was ...why the hell have I not heard this, this way till now. Their melody is hypnotic to my soul. I couldn’t believe that all this time I was so wrapped up in the words and forgot about the melodies. I can’t wait to hear the final product and have it in my hands. Please let me know if anyone would like a cd for as soon as it’s finish I will be glad to send it to whoever might enjoy it as much as I do. I am so proud of these men for doing a fantastic job. Following their dreams is one of the hardest things to do, but they are and they will fulfill them. I just know it.

*~*~*

I had a nice weekend. Worked Saturday but all was well. Aaron and I decided to take a road cruise Saturday night and watch the approaching storm. How wicked the lightening was. We got a little bit of hail and a lot of rain in a short period of time. It was so funny when we got home was when it really got heavy. I went outside to watch it come in and Jack (my doggie) followed. *laffs softly* He couldn’t figure out what was hitting him. OMG was it a site. Then when he realized it was "ice" he was running around trying to eat it. OMG it was a site watching him. Funny how those small things seem to matter the most to a person. Sunday was "cleaning day" for me at least. I figured since Aaron has been helping I wasn’t about to bother him about taking the trash out or helping me give the dogs a bath. He had football to play (touch-football, which is hilarious to me because they all end up pissed at each other), and friends to visit with.

~*~*~

Continued from Monday .......into Tuesday

First things first, I have done something that I didn’t realize I was doing. I have hurt my best friend by writing about her. I promised her this am I will not write about her here again. I am sorry Mystic, it will not happen again. As for B, I am also sorry if I upset you or made you feel that any of this was your fault, for it wasn’t. Feelings being hurt by some one you love the most, is one of the hardest pains I have felt. I do not wish that upon you Mystic, I do not wish that upon anyone. I do love you, and always will. I hope we can get pass this and move forward. Again I am sadden to say that I will not write about her here anymore.

*~*~*

I am at a lost for words now. Thank you for my friends that have indulged me with their comments. They always help, please keep them coming. Till next time....

~blue Tuesday kisses~

Believing is Seeing...

2005-11-05T11:04:00.000-06:00

I’m feeling better. I was in shock yesterday when I got home. Aaron had done the laundry, dishes and picked up the house ....all on his own. (OMG) I couldn’t believe it, I even grabbed a few dishes and check to make sure they were clean. Yep they were. WOW. I was speechless. After all this time maybe he is getting it. It would be so awesome if so. Still I can’t believe it and I also ask myself, okay what does he want, but wow ...wow.

~*~*~

Crystal and I have still not talked. But she has had Bobby this whole time and I do not want to spoil that for her, I already did a little bit. So maybe next week sometime we can sit and talk. All I wanted was for her to understand my feelings. I was for sure she was going to be by Thursday, but I didn’t see her. Then I was for sure she would have called me, but no, and I didn’t either. I hate when we fight for we are so close. Maybe next week we will make up.

*~*~*

My body has been aching lately and I can’t figure why. I think I probably should start taking my weekly vitamin. Then again it could be just the weather changing. It’s been lovely.

~*~*~

The State has taken my mother’s medicaid away starting November 14th. I don’t know what to do. That means no Dr’s and no meds. What will happen? The future can only tell. They said it was because she owns a house, but what I don’t get is they knew of this house for the three years she has had medicaid. It’s not livable and there is no way she could sell it before the appeal hearing. What she is planing on doing you might be asking, well she intends to sell it to my brother’s co-worker then after a month he is to sell it to my brother, Dusty. I hope it works but if you ask me I do not see it happening. I just don’t get it, how can they take the one thing she needs the most? She has no income, no way to work, she does not get "food stamps", but the medicaid is the only thing she really does need at the moment. I have had to call and re-set her Dr’s appointments for next week so we can see as many as possible and get her meds all filled for a few months if the Dr will even do that for us. Praying that we get a hearing date soon on her SSI, then and only then might we have some light at the end of a huge tunnel. Otherwise I feel my life and her will be a mess until we get her some help.

*~*~*

I pray all my loved friends are all doing well. I miss you always. Enjoy the fall and play in the leaves if you get a chance. *winks*

~fall smooches~

That’s that lovin’ sound ...

2005-11-02T20:54:00.000-06:00

Sublime~Caress Me Down

Mucho gusto, me llamo Bradley,
(glad to meet you my name is Bradley)
I'm hornier than Ron Jeremy,
and if you wanna get popped in your knee,
just wipe that look off your bati face

You hate me cause I got what you need,
a pretty little daughter that we call Mexi, and,
if you wanna get beat physically
it will be over in a minute if ya…

so she told me to come over, and I took that trip
and then she pulled out my mushroom tip,
and, when it came out, it went drip, drip, drip
I didn't know she had the G.I. Joe, kung-foo grip

[Chorus:]
and it went - uhh
and the girl caress me down- uhh
and that’s that lovin’ sound- it went uhh
and the girl caress me down- uhh
and that’s that lovin’ sound

when I kiss Mexi, she makes me feel horny,
cause I'm the type of lover with the sensitivity,
when she, kiss my neck and tickle me fancy,
the right kind of lover on Sunday morning.

En el otro lado, es donde vivi,
(On the other side is where I lived )
con mi’hjita, que se llama Mexi,
(with my girl, who's name is Mexi)
su hermana, si me quieré,
(and her sister; she wants me)
y ahorita, tenemos un bebe,
(and we have a baby)

Sus padres, sus tios, me trataron matar
(her parents, her uncles, they tried to kill me)
but they did not get too far
un poco despues tuvé que regresar
(a little while later I had to come back)
con un chingo de dinero
(with a shit-load of money)
cause you know I'm a star

me fui a Costa Rica
(I went to Costa Rica)
para tomar y sufear
(to drink and surf)
platicaba con la raza
([I’d] talk to the race [Costa Rican people])
cause they know who we are

Si no me dio cuenta
(If you didn't pay attention to me)
then I bet you never will
you must be a muñeca
(you must be a doll)
if your still standing still

[Chorus]

Me gusta mi reggae,
(I like my reggae)
Me gusta punk rock,
(I like punk rock)
Pero la cosa que me gusta mas es panochita,
(but the thing I like most is pussy)

Ponga la nalga en la aire if you know who you are,
(put your ass in the air if you know who you are)
Ponga la nalga en la aire y empieza gritar,
(put your ass in the air and start to scream)

No tenga miedo, I'm your papi,
(Don't be scared, I'm your daddy)
take your chones, y los manden a mi,
(take your panties and send them to me)
levanta, levanta, tienes que gritar,
(get up, get up, you have to scream)
levanta, levanta, tienes que bailar.
(get up, get up, you have to dance)

My Wonderful Weekend ........

2005-11-02T12:47:00.000-06:00

So it’s Friday night and I am so excited for my sister, Crystal. We are heading to get her boy-toy at the airport. We stop at Wally World for a few items. She is like glowing with happiness. We get to the airport early and decided to smoke a cigg before heading in. Her phone rings ... "I’m stuck in St. Louis" "What? ...Your joking with me." "No I’m pissed". He won’t know for a while when he will be here. So she is all down in the dumps and we decided to go get something to eat since neither of us ate earlier. She texts him back and forth, finally he finds out he will be in Springfield at 10:00 a.m. Saturday. Cool beans ...right? So we head home. Now to go to Springfield it’s about a 40 to 50 minute drive from Buffalo. "Aasta you are going to take me in the am right?" "Yes Crys I will." I was a little upset for here we wasted a trip to Springfield and I missed a Halloween party that I go to every year. But that’s okay I’m doing something for my best friend, my sister. She surely will appreciate me for it. And it’s not like I won’t die because I missed this party.

Get up early that morning and head over to her place. Head to Springfield and make it in plenty of time. We both are super excited. Watching all the peeps in the airport can be quit fun. There he is ...YAY finally. Well they lose his baggage. (Bastards) "We will deliver it to you." Crystal asks me "Do you like him? Is he cute?" "Yes I do like him, seems like a good guy. Yes he is cute too." We decided to stop and get something to eat. Without him having his baggage we need to take him somewhere to get some extra clothes. So we go to the "mall". Crystal and I were having a ball. He found the things he needed and on we went.

Saturday night I have this party at Donna’s Ice House I must attend. It’s the night the boys are announcing that they choose my song title for their new song. I am so excited. I mean this means a lot to me. But I do have to go to Nikki’s party with Crystal & Bobby for a few minutes. Now all this time I had told her I couldn’t stay but 10 to 20 minutes tops, because the drive to Donna’s is about an hour and ½ if not longer. I thought she understood. The plan was that they were going to take her car and I was going to follow them so I could leave when I needed too. Well that’s not what happen. I’m running late due to the vampire teeth I had wasn’t working. Oh well right. Get to Crystal’s place and what do I get. "We are just going to ride with you so we can leave early too, I’ll tell Nikki we are going with you to Donna’s." "Okay but Crys we have to leave when I say." "Okay Aasta, I love you." (I’m not going to insert other things that were said for her privacy) We stop at my place and grab a cooler, already late, the party started at 7:00 p.m. and it was BYOB. We stop at the local liquor store. Oh no ...it looks like her ex’s truck is there. So Bobby and I head in to get the beer and ice. No biggy. "Crys it wasn’t Curt." "Oh well good." Head to Nikki’s place. Get there and I decided to drink one beer and head out. (Just make an appearance, Nikki understands that I have to go to this other party) "One more beer Aasta." "Okay" ...wait ...wait ...wait. "Crystal we have to go now, I’m already running behind and Aaron is waiting." "Just one more beer." "Okay one more then we have to go." We get in the car and guess what time it is ......8:30 p.m. or so. "Fuck I’m late ...fuck fuck fuck. Oh well ...sighs." Bobby drives my car since I had a few to drink, funny thing is I’m sober as all get out, could be I was so excited about Donna’s. "Don’t worry about it I just won’t go, it’s too late anyway." "Why don’t Aaron and you come over and have a few beers then?" "Okay" ..... a few minutes later. "I want to take him home ...and ...." Yeah if you can guess it then so be it. "Okay well lets go to your place and I’ll head home."

She was so happy. Glowing as I said before. I get home and Aaron looks at me like "weren’t we going to Crystal’s for a little bit". (we had called him on the way from Nikki’s and told him to be ready) "No she had other things she wanted to do, so I just came home." "What about Donna’s?" Instant hurt washes over me. "Don’t worry about it babe." I go to bed around 11:00 p.m. feeling like the whole night was a waste.

Sunday morning I get woke up. I don’t mind because it’s Crystal. She wants to go to breakfast. Aaron says that’s fine. We go and it was nice. Aaron got to meet Bobby. I have a million things to do that day. (Laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, have to stop by my moms place and grab some plants) So on with the day. I drop off plants to Crystal. I get most of all my laundry done and get the call. "Where were you last night. Black Buffalo called your name on the stage." "Yeah well I didn’t make it." "That’s too bad."

Hurt runs all over me again. Something this important to me and I miss it. So yeah I was pretty upset. Halloween is my holiday and well fuck it all. Crystal calls me a million times that day. I wasn’t all "happy go lucky" with her but I was pleasant. Monday gets here and I am just pissed now. She calls "What’s wrong ...why are you acting like this?" She calls again right after I left for court and proceeds to ask my co-worker/friend Cindy, "What’s wrong with her." Cindy also stated to me when I got back that she also, which Crystal is now denying, "Why is she being "snotty" to me?" Cindy didn’t know what happen over the weekend so it’s kinda strange she would make something like that up. So I go on with my day, pissed and upset but knowing I’ll get over it. Before I head home I get a call from Crystal, "Why are you acting this way?" So I tell her. *sighs* What do I get, "Well you should have told me you didn’t want to go to Nikki’s." UMMMM HELLLOOOOO ......I did say that numerous times before hand, even the day she said something about it I told her I couldn’t go if it was on the same night as Donna’s party. "But Aasta I want you to go, please go with me, I need you there." So now she is pissed at me for being upset I missed something important to me.

Now I have left out quit a few things in this story due to her privacy. But damn. The things that really started to upset me more after the last call. 1. She gave me no gas money for the two trips to Springfield, granted she bought my lunch on Saturday, I guess that makes that up. 2. All I wanted was to go to Donna’s that night, and she could care less. 3. Now she wants it to be all my fault.

So I send her an email Tuesday afternoon explaining my feelings on the matter, and how I’ll get over it. I just didn’t feel that she understood. I even had Cindy read it over before I sent it to make sure it wasn’t going to upset Crys, and that I wasn’t being "hateful" or "rude". Here let me share it with you all ......

Crys,
Hey, I suppose you are now upset with me about being upset about Saturday night. Let me say this babe, I was upset and I got over it. It was only because that night at Donna’s was special to me. You know that. And then here we were late going and you decided that you just wanted to ride with me so you could leave early too. How fair was that for me? It’s not like I was going to say "no you guys drive". But lets go back a few weeks, how many times did I tell you I wanted to go to Donna’s and could only stay at Nikki’s for about 10 minutes? But nooo you really wanted me to go, and I felt like it didn’t matter to you that I had other things to do. You needed me, or so you appeared to need me. You guys could have went together and left together, but that is not how it worked. So yes I was upset.
Then we were all going to go to your place that night and drink a few beers. Did that happen, well no because you wanted to be alone. I told you I like Bobby, but shit Crys you are going to be with him for 10 days. It’s not like you could have waited till Aaron and I left to fuck the hell out of him. He wasn’t going anywhere. But no for your sake I just went home to Aaron, with this look from him like "weren’t we going over to Crystal’s"? But this is only my opinion. I think another thing that upset me is you never gave me gas money for those trips to Springfield. Remember I was doing this all for you. But I know you forgot or just didn’t think about it that way. Or maybe it was because I didn’t ask a million times. But this doesn’t matter anymore because it’s all done and over with.
I wasn’t being "snotty" to you as you ask Cindy why I was being "snotty" I was just hurt and needed a day or two to let it pass. I felt I had that right. Then to talk to you that afternoon and have you turn it all around like it was my own fault. I was even more hurt. But it will heal.
You are my best friend. And I am so happy you and Bobby are hitting it off so well. I truly am, just think about me sometime in the process. As for your mom being upset, what can I do to help that? She probably is just upset that she hasn’t meet him for herself. I am sure that would help the matter for I do not believe she wouldn’t like him. He’s a great guy, really.
Well I just wanted to get this off to you so you had it. I love you and always will, but I can and will get upset from time to time just as you do the same. We are best friends, soul sisters. It comes with the territory. *smiles* Right? Anyways let me know if you still plan to have supper sometime this week. And yes I’ll still go with you to take him to the airport, that is if you want me too.
Love, Aasta

I get home that night and guess what I have an email from her. Here let me share it with my readers .....

You will have your gas money thursday on my day off I will bring it by your office... as for fucking up all your things I said I was sorry... and as for not asking you I did ask you while we were driving in springfield... and bought you breakfast so your welcome... and I am not mad I am not going to fight with you... I said I was sorry... I FUCKED everything up for you! but don't tell me that I don't care because if you really believe that well I don't know what to tell you Aasta...and as for cindy saying I said you were being snotty to me on the phone fucking bullshit!!!! I said you sounded up set! never said you were snotty to me... so lets get the facts... sandy was standing right there while I was talking to cindy on the phone.... I will drop by your gas money thursday... I can leave it in your car if need be! sorry I fucked so much up for you. If you have anything else to say, please say it to my face and not email.... see you thursday.

So I email her a million times. I am so upset and disgusted. Why has this blown up so fucking big now? Why couldn’t she just get it and move on. I did, by Tuesday I wasn’t so upset. But now I am even more pissed that she would be that way with me. Here I spent the whole weekend doing these things for her. For what to get nothing from her but a cold shoulder. Well you know what I hope she reads this and gets even more pissed off. Friends don’t treat friends this way. At least in my eyes.

I look forward to as many comments on this as I can get. Was I wrong for being upset? Am I in the wrong for having my feelings? I like Bobby and I am glad they are hitting it off so well. I do not want to ruin that, but where did my feelings fit in?

Good Day ...Thank the Heavens!

2005-10-28T09:28:00.000-05:00

Starting this day in the positive.

*YAY* Our meeting last night went wonderful. We had over 100 people attend it. (That’s about 5 different cities and villages and I think 6 local fire departments) One of the local TV stations came as well. I think everything went very well. There was a lot of information for the city and fire officials on obtaining grants for projects. Another area we discussed was "emergency preparness". How cities should have a plan in case of a natural disaster. One key thing I thought was great was the city clerk from Stockton. They had been hit about 2 years ago with a mess of tornados. It torn up the whole city. She talked about how afterwards she could not get into the city due to other police departments blocking off roads. The key thing that I thought would benefit any city or town is to have name badges made for the elected & official city workers. This way in that kind of matter they would be permitted to enter the city and get things going again. There was so much more information handed out and spoken about that I really hope that all who attended took away something to benefit their city, village, or fire department.

~*~*~

So I get home really late and guess who is up waiting on me. Yep, Aaron. He was messing with his Halloween costume. When I came in I notice all this yellow caution tape every where. I asked "What the hell happen?" *laffs* Aaron says, "I thought it was cool and Halloweenish for you." *laffs* It was sweet for him to try and decorate the house. He told me how he missed me this evening and then gave me wonderful news. *grins* My boys ..."Black Buffalo" have chosen to use one of MY names for their new song. That’s right ....my song name, "Life’s Reality". *does the ...oh yeah dance ...oh yeah oh yeah!* I am so excited. He said Tree asked if it was mine or not but Aaron (coz he never listens to me) said I don’t know but I’ll ask her. Hell yeah it was mine they elected on! *go Aasta ...go Aasta* So now I can’t wait for Saturday night, it’s going to be awesome! Funny thing is I still have not heard the new song. So that makes it even more awesome that they have chosen to use mine. Much love boys ...much love!

*~*~*

Tonight I go with Crys to pick up her boy-toy. *oh boy ....hehehe ...tehetehetehe* I am super excited for her. You guys should see how she is glowing. Could be that she has tanned herself all week and looks damn good too! It was funny, here everyone is so worried he will hurt us or something and then he says to Crys yesterday on the phone "My biggest fear is that you guys won’t show at the Airport and I’ll be left alone." *lmao* Who would have thought that he would be worried too. I hope he is ready for us! *wicked grin*

~*~*~

Thank you to my friends who have posted lately to me. It means the world that there are people that do care and want to help. I’m not quitting yet, but I do have a better feeling about things. I will of course keep an update of things. I started thinking last night, even though I can’t find a soul to say "yeah ..stay with him , it will get better" I am that soul that does say that. Whether I am blinded at the moment that is a question I’ll leave to the heavens. I just know that today is a better day and I feel good too.

~Fright Night Wicked Smooches~

Sad Days Linger On

2005-10-27T14:01:00.000-05:00

To my readers, Notice that I have been in a mood about writing my feelings about my relationship this week. I am not doing this for a "pity party", I want you to know that. I am doing this to heal myself and to figure out what the hell I want to do. Please don’t read further if you don’t want to ....

*~*~*

I want to do something crazy, something no one will expect from me. I just can’t figure out the path to go on. I could have a wicked affair but I think people expect me to do that at any time. I could dye my hair some strange color, but then again ...they would expect that. I could go all gothic on everyone, but then again they’d expect that too. Then there is that big question that has haunted me for years now ...give up on my relationship. I know it would be the best thing I have done in a long time, but I have some doubts. Things I would have to do first to accomplish this would be, find a place to live, find a place I can have my dogs, and get up enough balls to do it. I guess that since I do see the positive in people that might be the reason I haven’t done this yet. He is a good man, really. Now, is he that good to me, no not really. But he does love me, or does he. Thinking about this all makes me cry. I hurt all over when I contemplate my options. I don’t want to hurt him. I can’t break his heart that way. It’s just not me. My heart breaks and aches just thinking about leaving him. Maybe another one of my talks will do it. It’s not like I have told him this week I am close to calling it quits once again. He knows, or I think he should see it in my expressions. I said maybe two words to him last night. I’m so torn. I guess it doesn’t help matters that I can’t even find one person that says "Stay with him." They all say "leave him". Even his best friend, I had discussed about maybe a year ago the problems I am having with him, he even said I need and deserve better and to move on that it wouldn’t kill him. Now that’s from his own best friend. Why doesn’t anyone see the good in him? I do, sometimes. Can’t love come back into our hearts for each other? I do think so. But how long is the wait for that ...2 months ...2 years? Seven years of my life I have dedicated myself to him. Never once cheating, never once betraying him. Why is it that now I want to, or really why is it I plot in my head to catch him in the wrong then I wouldn’t be the "bad guy". I really have done this. Thought to myself ...who or whom could I get to seduce him and then catch him in the act. Then it would all be simple. But really would it be? Wouldn’t I hurt even more by that? The last time I talked to him about me leaving for good, we had a great talk. Things looked like he understood and was going to make some real changes. What happen? Nothing, that is what happen ...simple nothing. Gosh how the tears begin to fall all the sudden. I tell myself to quit crying and it only makes it worst. Suck it up already! Right? But my life is worth any tears I may shed. For they are mine to due so. Crying is such a cleaning of the soul ...in my eyes.

As you can see today is not a good one for me.
My hurt is all over and I can’t seem to shed it.
I need some light ...I need a hug, I need to be told everything will work out in the end.

~tender loving hugs my Friends~

Nothing New laffs

2005-10-26T13:29:00.000-05:00

Do you ever wake up and feel so alive? I do ...sometimes a lot ...sometimes not enough. But today was one of those days. Of course it has left being that I have had to deal with stupied people all freaking day. But that feeling is something magical.

*~*~*~*

To Brandon ...
Aaron is a strange cookie. There are times he is okay with a crowd and times he is not. But I believe it boils down to, when he has these "mood" swings he chooses to voice to me that he doesn’t what to be here or there. Sometimes it’s the people, and most of the time it’s because he rather be at home playing X-Box. I myself do not like huge crowds, but I do not throw a fit like a child, that I have to leave, or that I don’t want to go. But until he sees a Dr for his depression I can not get to the root of his ways. I just live each day asking myself if I’m stupied for staying so long. As for the subject on Mr. C....my thoughts exactly. *smiles* But it doesn’t hurt to play it cool and let it bite him in the ass in the long run. I think the reason I "feel" for him is because I crave the attention sometimes. And boy does he like to give it. But no worries dear I’m not that stupid. *chuckles* And I would never take your thoughts as being harsh or rude for that matter. It makes me happy to know someone in the world cares and isn’t afraid to show that. I hope your feeling better ..btw. Kiss that sexy wifey of yours and Miss C for me. And again thank you for caring, it means a lot to this soul.

~*~*~*~

Am I stupid? Lately this is the dying question I am struggling with. I do see I do deserve better, I really do. I know what Aaron does to me is wrong and life shouldn’t be this way. But why can’t I cut the cord and run free? Why am I still here trying? Why Why Why Why......why can’t I give up? Maybe I’m just not a quitter. Maybe I feel like I’m here to help him. Maybe Maybe Maybe ......too many maybe’s if you ask me. Granted there are so many times I am happy, but is it that I am numb to the pain? Probably so. My heart always aches, my soul always searching for the lost answers. Yet I love so free ...and so much. Love is me ...love is the one thing no one can control about me. I either love you or I don’t. You can’t force me to, yet you can’t stop me from it either. .......I know blah blah blah blah blah!!!!!!!!!!!

~Hump Day Spankings~

Boo ...grins

2005-10-25T11:58:00.000-05:00

I have not forgotten to write here, I swear! I just get preoccupied and then when I think of something great to write about I am no where near the internet. *laffs* Usually the best time I get a great topic in my head is while I am driving, which makes it hard to write it down. Then when I get to my destination I forget the whole thing. *chuckles* I did have a fantasy story to post here, but it seems that my home pc has crashed and I have lost it. *pouts* It was so hot and juicy, I had spent about three months writing it. And now it’s gone, teach me to save things on the hard drive and not a floppy disk. *lol*

*~*~*~*

I am really excited about Thursday night. My office, my boss, is putting on a huge Grant Meeting for small towns and fire departments. I am so shocked that we have now (and it’s only Tuesday) over 100 people coming, without including all our speakers. The last meeting we threw was a Dog Meeting. It wasn’t as big as this one but we did get on the local news. (I was on TV ...damn I’m a rock star!) So hopefully we can get KY 3 to come and report on this meeting too. Best part is I get paid for the day and for the night! ~hot damn~ Plus this meeting will help out so many that attend it. I pride myself for working for such a giving man. He will never be a rich lawyer, but that is by his choice. People mean a lot to him. I was shocked to see in my years of being with him how "giving" he is to his clients. So I highly recommend if you are ever in my neck of the woods and get a traffic ticket, need a will, or just some good old legal advise, please look him up. He is the best!

~*~*~*~

Another night this week I am excited about is Friday night. I am taking my sweet soul sister to pick up her boy-toy. She is glowing with happiness. Just to see her smile makes my heart melt. She so deserves the best this world can offer. I truly hopes she finds that and more! I love you Crys, even though we miss each other a lot, you know your always in my thoughts. And shit man ....when you cooking me dinner? *grins*

*~*~*~*

Then there is Saturday night. Two parties to go to, and in two different areas. The first one is a friends place. She sooo wants me to go, as so Crys because her and this "boy-toy" (no names or she’d kill me) are going. The best idea I have came up with to attend this one is if I go for about 30 minutes tops. I know once I get there they won’t let me leave so it’s a battle ...do I ...or don’t I. The second party is with my boys, Black Buffalo. They are playing at Donna’s and she is also having a costume party. I really love ...LOVE this little hole in the wall bar. I feel alive when I am there. Plus I can’t pass up rocking out. I don’t think I can win the costume contest, I’m going as a Vampiress. It’s sweet but not as good as I could have been. I have been an evil pixe for 2, maybe 3 years now, so I had to change it up a little this year. I love my teeth though, one has this gold cross on it, so sexy. I shall post pictures for all to see. Torn between the two parties I guess until I have (HAVE) to make a choice.

~*~*~*~

My "Light" has returned to me. *smiles so sweetly* He blessed me with so much before, I do not think He knows. Just to hear His voice makes me smile and "shiver" all over. I know it is wrong to feel those little feelings, but gosh feeling so good and knowing it’s so bad is one of the best things ever. I thank Him for sharing Himself with me once again.

*~*~*~*

Another friend has came to me again. Chris, or as most that know him LSG Sir. This man I feel for fast, he knows all the right things to say and when to say them. I think a little part of my heart got broke before by him. Which is silly for me to say because I have never met him, never felt his presence. I had talked to him many of times on the phone, which was god ...unbelievable. The connection I, We thought we had was incredible. Even with him being younger than me I was in shock. I have this card he sent me, the cutest elephant card because he knew I loved them. The smell of him still lingers on it, and I catch myself pulling it out of my desk and smelling it. What we had ended quickly. Mostly to his own doing, but yet still my doing too. Now he wants it all back, or a fresh start. Can I do it all over again? I have to ask myself. Can I risk everything again? All these and more linger in my head and heart.

~*~*~*~

But then here I am ...not single. I think I have came to some kinda conclusion about what Aaron’s problem is. He is depressed. Be it money or his work, or even someone saying something about him. He is so anti-social, hates to do anything that involves a crowd or even just a few people. It’s like he is afraid of someone judging him for his actions. These and many more play the role in our relationship. It’s tearing me up inside. For example, last Saturday was my co-workers "Halloween horse show ", her daughter borrowed Aaron’s metal mask he made and was this demon on a three headed dragon (the horse with two extra heads). Anyways Cindy really wanted and so did the girls for Aaron to see them all decked out. I thought no problem, he’ll want to see it too. Come that day this is what I get. ..."I don’t want to go", "You can’t make me go", "I don’t like crowds", "I don’t feel well, maybe you should go by yourself", and on and on. Well I made him go. MADE him. Now isn’t that sad. I shouldn't have to make anyone do anything with me, they either do it or not. So we get there and he looks like he is enjoying it ...(looks) not even 20 minutes of being there he was all like "Okay I am ready to go." Cindy was all like "but Aaron you haven’t got to see them do barrels." She gets pulled away and what does he say to me ..."Why did you have her give me the guilt trip." WTF? I didn’t say oh Cindy lay into him about staying. I was so pissed he was acting like a child. Pouting because he didn’t want to be there. Well I wasn’t going to let him get me down, I rode my little pony "Stormy". (LMAO) Oh my god, you should have seen how damn cute I was riding a pony ....a pony I said! So I ask him to get a picture of it for it’s been like 6 years since I been on a horse let alone a pony. What does he do ...take a picture of my face ...that’s it. I was like "Aaron why didn’t you get me on the pony?" His response, "You were too close." Like he couldn’t have stepped back a few feet ???????? Oh I was so furious, so I took him home and missed the rest of the show. Then when we get home what does he want, but a good fuck. WTF???? Another part of his depression is his work. Find another job dude, what more do you what me to say. Your not happy, get happy, your not pleased with what you do, change it. In a world like this these days anything is possible, but you have to take some kinda of action to get it in the process. Who knows if things will ever change for him. He won’t seek a Dr’s help, hell he won’t seek anyone’s help. So many of my friends say "leave him, you deserve so much better." But things aren’t that simple, or maybe I just don’t want them to be. I’ll keep you updated.

*~*~*~*~*

I better get my ass to work. Bossman is here and wants me to "come back". (lol) Chilly days like these make me want to stay in bed. I want some snow quick like too!

~wicked frozen smooches~

Before & After

2005-10-15T11:27:00.000-05:00

I needed a change, I felt it coming. Tell me what you think. (I love it)

Thank you Brandon & Michelle for your lovely comments. I am in the process of working on the problem. I will keep you updated.

~fresh smooches~

What I See

2005-10-14T10:08:00.000-05:00

Last night I could have puked, I was so upset. What do I see in my relationship? I see a man that is lazier than my dogs. A man that is addicted to his "medicine". A man that has a closed mind to anything that challenges his views. I take pride in myself for having such an open mind. For wanting to try new things, for wanting to learn something new everyday. He on the other hand would rather be his way or no way. Good things I see ...a man that really does love me, a man that makes me comfortable, a man that knows me better than any other man has. Yet I think to myself he doesn’t really know me, my mind, my soul, my heart. But is that even possible. I have spoken to other couples and some seem to have that. No secrets. But isn’t it health to have some secrets? Is it health not to know everything about a person, so that with time you learn something new? But even so people always change in time. I know I have. There is no way I was the same 6 years ago. *chuckles* The things I see now, the things I want now have changed the way I am as a person. But isn’t that life, something that is always in motion and always changing?

He said to me the other day "What am I going to do about my teeth?" My reply was "Go to the dentist." 20 minutes later ......"What am I going to do about my teeth?" Like my reply would be different. Hell I don’t know a thing about fixing teeth, now come to me with a ticket or Divorce or Will or Power of Attorney, or even a Quit-Clam Deed and I could help. But with teeth that is not something I know. Sad part is my best friend is a dental assistant and she has told him time after time to set an appointment. Has he ...no, he would rather complain to me about how bad it hurts, or stay home with a tooth ache and play X-Box. Another dying subject on my mind. This man I love to death can not even go a full week of work. Always a day off here and a day off there. Now this wouldn’t bother me so much if on his days off he was doing things like ...giving the dogs a bath, laundry, working on his car, working in the yard, helping his mother ...ect. But sitting in front of the TV playing football or racing on the X-Box, a girl starts to get pissed. I am one that never misses a day of work. Even when a few months ago I was sicker than a dog I still went to work. It could be that I love my job and yes that does make a huge difference. But a big part of that is I do not want to disappoint my boss. I take pride in what I do. Pride, a funny little thing. More people in the world need pride.

Who knows what my trip is today. I was just disgusted last night with him. I would think he could have notice that when I went to bed and slept close to my edge of the bed. Oh sure he asked a million times "What’s wrong ....what did you do with my Aasta." I played it off that I was tired and need some rest. In all honestly I needed some TLC.

*Joke for Friday*

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breath out of that small thing....

*LMFAO*

~Friday Night Smooches~

2005-10-08T12:39:00.000-05:00

God did I want to stay in bed this am. I love the fall weather but the one thing I forgot was how nice it is to stay in a warm bed next the person you love. But work called so up I went and into a very hot shower. The house has been so nice since my mother and brother moved out. And yes I have walked around plenty in the buff. ~grins mischievously~ It’s that feeling that I am the only one up, the only one walking around. My dogs acknowledge me with such love. The cat jumping at the door because she been out horring around. The bird chirping "good morning" "I love you" "whatcha doing" (he has a big vocabulary thanks to me, and loves ...loves Rob Zombie) *giggles* .... and yet I am at peace in the morning hours. After yesterday I didn’t think I feel that way again. But today is a new day, as is the next and I can and will make it.

Thank you Demon Queen for leaving a useful comment. I have been meaning to change the settings to rid my blog of spam. I think I’ll do that after I post today. ~wicked smooches & long tender hugs~ I love going to your blog, it takes me away from the day-to-day world. Thank you.

My girlfriend has been preoccupied with her new boy-toy. He is coming to see her in November and I pray everything goes her way. I am excited for her. She’s been so happy lately. I just hope she doesn’t rush into anything, and if she does I pray that it works for both of them.

I miss my sister Michelle. I thought about her the other day, came real close to just calling her to hear a friendly voice. I know she has been having a hard time, I pray her days turn brighter.

Miss Ashley, my co-worker, got a tattoo last Wednesday and I am so jealous. She got the symbol for love, outlined in black and filled with hot pink. It looks so good. I have to get another soon or I’ll go insane. They are so addicting. I think my next one, I want on my foot, the Aquarius symbol. Really small but cute. Towards my little toe. Wouldn’t that be cute?

~frozen smooches~

Wishing the Pain Would Go Away

2005-10-07T16:13:00.000-05:00

So mom keeps saying how she is going to kill herself, the dogs, or someone else. How lovely of her ...right? How no one cares about her. How we all treat her like a 3 year old. How she doesn’t feel needed. How she can feel this brain tumor growing and moving in her head. And on and on and on & on & on & on.....................................

What am I suppose to do. I do everything I can for her. I have gave & gave & gave & gave & gave to the point I had nothing to give. Money that I need, goes to her. What more can I do. She told me today, after I confronted her about blowing up at me the other day (which was really bad ...really bad), that Aaron is a lazy piece of shit and she doesn’t understand why I stay with him. Bad mouth him, his brother, and his mother. Now what the hell does that have to do with anything. She can not be happy for me, oh sure she says she is, but then to say shit like that. I am soo at a breaking point. I don’t know what to do. What do you do? What do you do when it’s your mother, the one person that use to be the only solid thing in your life. The person that gave me life. What am I to do. Her health and depression is beyond anything I have ever seen, or dealt with. But why should I have to deal with it. Why is it everything is up to me? What am I suppose to do?

I am so lost today. My heart aches. My head hurts. My eyes have dried up. My stomach is upset constantly, and here I thought things where getting "better". (laughs at myself) What the hell do I know though. Everyone around me uses me for their own personal gain, sad part is I seem to let them all .....use me ...and use me ...and use me. How can I break the cycle I ask myself. What actions can I take to make things go MY way. Who is going to comfort me when I break down from all the pressure of being "the one that fixes it all".

It’s so easy for people to say to stop helping my mother. But really if it was their mother would they just give up? Wash their hands of her. Say "Go fucking help yourself mom?" I just can’t be that way. I care to much. But then again if you ask her I don’t care enough I guess.
Well as writing all this crap out I feel a little bit better. Okay not really, but that feeling will pass someday .............someday.

~blue kisses~

What I Am

2005-10-03T20:56:00.000-05:00

The following describes me from a few of my friends. ~grins~

malicious or sensual
beautiful
Bubbly
tempting
Rainbow
precious
loving
tease

~Smiles~

Not bad ..not too bad.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I will write more later on how my crazy life has been. It is getting better, it always does. Sending my love to those who need it the most.
~butterfly kisses~

New Things

2005-09-23T08:33:00.000-05:00

Things have settled a bit & I don’t feel so shitty today. The last post resulted from my tranny going out on my car. I am car-less until it is fixed. It’s funny how things happen when you least expect it. As to the people that were upset with me it was all a misunderstanding and all is well once more. I suppose I am just the type of person that dislikes people being upset with me. I want to know the problem and I want to fix it right away. Life is too short to spend your time upset. I did something yesterday I should have done a long time ago, just had been putting it off. I opened a checking account. I also am applying for a small loan to get my car back to me. These things are something I needed to do. One to build my credit because keeping my money saved with me isn’t building shit. Two the loan also is going to help me out. Keeping my fingers crossed that I will be approved, I think the hardest part of it all is waiting to see.

~*~*~

Mom is doing better I think. Her depression is the killer, and I try so hard to get her to smile again. Dusty and her will be moving out at the end of next week. How strange and pleasant it will be. First thing I want to do is walk around the house in the buff. AHHHH I love LOVE that feeling. Another thing I like to do is some major cleaning. *dirty thought* Then Aaron could clean me afterwards ....WEG!!!! My how our sex life will improve after all is said for. Not that it isn’t good, it’s just not the best it could be with mom and Dusty living with us. But we do find time. I just hate being so damn quiet. Anyone that has had their family live with them for a certain period of time understands what I mean. ~wicked grin~

*~*~*

What is "hot" to you? .....what is "sexy" to you?

Please leave your answers and I will leave you mine.

~wicked naughty smooches under the full moon~

Fuck Man

2005-09-20T18:17:00.000-05:00

Excuse my french .......really .....

Fuck ...fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck ....FUCKKKKKKKKK!

Well that is exactly what I wanted to say. I feel like the world just threw me around and shit me back out.

I should be thankful to be here ...to have things ...to have friends & family ...to have a home ...to be able to hear every sound this world makes. I should stop feeling sorry for my ass. WTF? Right? I feel like the greatest people in this whole wide world are pissed at me and there is nothing I can do to make it better or even right. I love them ....I would die for them! But right now I do not think I should feel anything ..... But ........Fuck ....right now.

~fucking ...fuck fuck fuck~

Light Shining

2005-09-17T11:07:00.000-05:00

The light is finally shining above me. Thank the heavens above. Dusty has found a place for him and mom in town. He has already paid the deposit and they also can have the animals with them. They will be moving in October 1st. ~YAY~ I am so damn happy for him. I wish that he was as happy as I am, I mean it’s his first place ever. Granted mom is moving in with him, but still he is out of my place and on his own. I am thinking of throwing them a house warming party so they can get some goodies but I really don’t know who to invite. I’ll have to think some more on that. The place is a two bedroom duplex. Kinda small but just right for the two of them. Still real close to me so if they need anything I can be found easily. It’s going to be surreal to be alone again. Aaron said the first weekend we are boarding up the windows and doors. *lol*

*~*~*

Tonight is my hot date with my girl Crys. I am so excited. We always have so much fun when we are together. I still don’t know what she has planned but whatever it maybe I know we are going to have a blast. We are taking her camera, so look forward to some hot photos! ~Wooohoo~

~*~*~

Thank all of my wonderful friends for all the warm thoughts and prayers you might have sent my way. Things look like they will start to turn around for me again. Still have to work on mom’s health and wait for the SSI hearing date. After that I am sure she will be okay. I’ll keep everyone updated on that.

*~*~*

Autumn is here ....YAY. Weather is so nice here. Suppose to get up into the mid 80's this week, but lows of 60's. This morning there was soo much fog in the air it was crazy. But the smell of the wind is amazing. I am getting over a mild cold, I think it’s because the weather is changing. But I’ll take a cold just to enjoy the wonders of this season.

~Moonlight Kisses~

Rambles

2005-09-14T09:57:00.000-05:00

Lets see where to start at ....

Well I didn’t get to go to the titty bar. ~pouts big time~ My co-worker, Ashley, backed out and the boss and I felt it would be really strange for just us two to go. See the reason my co-worker backed out is the bossman is dating her mother, Kathy. She felt that her mom would be upset. Granted she might have been, but now the mother/girlfriend is going to go with us soon. So now we need to get another date in mind. I think that if and when we do get to go it will be so much fun. His girlfriend is a blast to be around, and so is my co-worker. Such gorgeous women! And my boss, well ....he can be a lot of fun as well, then you throw me in the mix and wooohoo nelly!! *LMAO* It’s great that we all get along so well. I wonder how things will change when my other co-worker, Cindy, has her baby. (Due in December). She handles most of all the billing and such. So with her out for a while if not longer I feel that adding a new person to the group might hurt us, but then you never know what it would do until he hires someone new. I’ve been going to court with him a lot lately. It’s been really interesting and helpful for what I do because I get to see it all in action instead of stuck typing the documents and whatnot.

~*~*~

Mom has stopped taking the medicine her psychologist gave her. One reason is because it is for seizures, and two it makes her dog ass tired, where all she does is sleep. I have notice this as well. But she has been off them for a couple days now and I see the improvement of her well being. I just hate that she is so depressed. I feel there isn’t anything more I can do. I wish she had a best friend to talk to, I know it must get old talking to me. Plus when she does start talking about things it’s like "Why doesn’t Aaron do a damn thing around the house" or "I am so sorry babygirl for doing this to yall" or "The dogs need a bath" or "You should talk to your brother and forgive him, he is trying". And I could go on and on. What I think she doesn’t see is having her and my little bro Dusty living with us, is really starting to take it’s toll. Dusty has lived with us for about 3 years now. You would think he would have found a place by now. It would be easier if he was on his own, then it wouldn’t be so bad, I could give mom his room and that way she have a place to escape. He told me the other day he has saved enough money, and now it’s finding a place close to work since he is vehicle less. But you know that takes effort to look for a place and I have not seen him put forth it. We will see. I just keep praying for some light.

*~*~*

Have a date with my girl on Saturday night. She says I have to dress "cute". ~Grins~ (but ain’t I always cute ....batts eyes) I can’t wait. I don’t even know what she has in store, but the two of us together ....mmmm mighty fun I can say. These are times I wish I was single, so we could tear the place up. But I am not and I do not cheat ....so I will try my hardest to behave myself. Maybe we can play "Have you meet Crystal?". ~LMAO~ I think we could find a lot of men that would love to meet Crystal! ~WEG~ Wish us luck!

~*~*~

I went into yahoo chat yesterday, something I haven’t done in ages. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I entered into one of the Dungeon rooms ...low and behold there he was ....Vamp Sir. OMG I hadn’t spoken to Him nor ferel is such a long time. It was very nice to see a familiar face again. I got the feeling that He wasn’t as happy to see me as I was. We used to be real close but after I gave my VHLS tags back our relationship has never been the same. God I miss those days when I was a member of that home. I felt I "belonged" I felt I was "loved" I felt I was "needed". But with time all things change. I left that room so He could get back to talking to whoever He was talking to and went to another Dungeon room. Here I knew no one, but just like the first time I ever went into a Dungeon room I meet a few that wanted to chat to me. And not in pm ...in the room. Before I knew it I had been there an hour or two. It was a lot of fun and made me realize how much I really had missed it. Of course I was trolled to death, but even so I didn’t mind. This is a place I met my sister Michelle. I am so thankful to have her now a part of my life and now to even know her more than I did in VHLS, it’s just so damn awesome. So thank You Vamp for welcoming me in and showing me there are real people that do care.

*~*~*

Gosh, I can ramble ...can’t I! ~LMAO~ I feel in good spirts today. Maybe it’s something in the air ...maybe the light is getting ready to shine down on me. I have to stay positive or I will enter into a dark hole where no one should ever be.

~Hot Sexy Smooches~

Autumn ...it's on it's way!

2005-09-07T14:17:00.000-05:00

Wow, I can’t believe it’s September already. But you know what that means .......Autumn. Here in Missouri the trees are gorgeous during this time. There are a few in town that look like they are on fire when the leaves turn. *laughs* I remember when I live in Montgomery, Texas, my girlfriend and I was sitting on the dock and we were ~high~, we both thought the trees were on fire because they looked to be, just no smoke but we didn’t think about that. OMG it was hilarious. And now when I look upon the trees here that do the same I just sit back and laugh at myself for those little silly times. Another good thing about this season is the temperatures will decline (can I get an Amen!). Which also means my electric bill will decline as well. Damn I love Autumn!

*~*~*

Well mom’s appointment went okay. The Psychologist didn’t know mom had a brain tumor and is wanting to do more tests in the future. Sad thing is mom is on medicaid and they only cover one appointment with this Dr. once a month. Which ...means .....more .....waiting. ~sighs~ She did though prescribe mom some depression pills. One though is for seizures which mom has never had, but the Dr. said they can be used for depression as well. I guess I just don’t like the fact that for one she is taking them, for two she has enough pills to take, and for three it still isn’t helping her out. Her regular Dr. didn’t even know she had a brain tumor and is very upset that he didn’t. He is going to do his own tests. Funny thing about ti all is mom has been constipated forever now ...(because of the Cardizam she takes) so the psychologist wanted mom to take extra Magnesium and Potassium. Well the Potassium pills medicaid will pay for but for the magnesium ones they wouldn’t, so we didn’t get them. Then in two weeks she was to do a lab and have it fax to the psychologist office. Her regular Dr. said she doesn’t need to wait two weeks doesn’t need the extra potassium or the magnesium. That moms daily vitamin covers both, and that she can do the lab work here and now. So that’s what they did, and he is going to write the psychologist and send her the reports. Hopefully between the two of them they can help her.

Thank you for all your advise, thoughts and prayers they are well needed.

So on the way home (my little brother took her in my car), she decides that she should bring her Toyota home, because we had parked it on a highway stop thing with for sale signs. It has no insurance and no plates and is not in mom’s name. (Very long story but it is her’s) Dusty proceeded to follow her so a cop couldn’t get behind her to pull her over. Well you know what ....hello the cops can see the front of the truck. So guess what ....yes that’s right she got pulled over right in town. Dusty came flying home and grabbed me. We go up to where she was stopped at and sit and wait ....and wait. "What the hell are they talking about!" The State Trooper had her in his car for more than an hour. I’m thinking to myself ...shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. After a while she exits his car and goes to her’s. He leaves and she drives to where Dusty and I was sitting. "Go home ...I’ll tell you what happened there." she says. So we go home. Thank all the Gods and Goddesses above, she only got one ticket. Failed to Maintain Financial Responsibility. He cut her a HUGE break, but because she gave some information to him ...information that could get her killed if the wrong person hears her name was involved. I am so scared for her now. Not because of the ticket but because of the information she gave to the trooper. The ticket Mel and I will handle and I will pay it for mom has no income. We are going to get the truck sold before her court date. It will help things out a lot. All I can think to myself is ....damn damn damn ...shit shit shit shit. Wish me luck!

~*~*~

Had a wonderful weekend with my girl. She is so awesome. Got her a piece of ass!!!! OMG I didn’t say that ....did I? ~WEG~ So now she feels much .....relief. ~LMAO~ It was real fun though. Friday I stayed with her at her moms and then Saturday we said at Bubba’s house. A nice little getaway for the both of us. She had wanted to go camping and so did Aaron, but with Labor Day weekend and all of us being broke I thought it was a bad idea. But I am just glad things went the way they did. Saturday night I should have stuck with the strawberry daiquiris, but noooo I drank about 3 of them and went to Bud Light. Folks ...it was all over then, I was smashed. I feel asleep on Bubba’s most uncomfortable chair before Aaron moved me to the most uncomfortable couch ever is this whole world. But it was ...lots of fun. And even better seeing Crys’s big ass smile the next morning.

*~*~*

Well as I have rambled on and on I better end this on a dirty thought. What would you do if your boss wanted to take you and a co-worker to a strip club? Mine is wanting to do this Friday. Now anyone that knows me ...knows that I am all for this. But the more I think about it ...how naughty is he. I love my boss to death and I always feel safe and comfortable with him, so I know everything would be okay ....just wanted to know some of your thoughts and what would you do .....no ...not what Jesus would do .....what YOU would do. I know what I’m doing. ~WEG~

~Dirty White Kisses~

Update

2005-08-30T15:31:00.000-05:00

Well mother just returned. Bad new folks, she has a brian tumor. She was told that it is a benign brian tumor. A pat on the back and out the door she went she said. I've never dealt with anything like this. If anyone has advise please speak freely here. I will keep you updated as much as I get.

*much love*

2005-08-30T12:09:00.000-05:00

It’s strange how this world works. You might feel that no one in this world understands your position, yet there are so many with same troubles if not even worst. Last night everything I have been going through finally got the best of my nerves. I have been holding the stress of my situation so well... I had thought.

But today is a new day.......

*~*~*

My Mother has taught me something I should have known a long time ago. Save money ...make your self a nest egg!!! My mother has nothing, not one dime. This really saddens me that she didn’t think about the "what ifs" Why didn’t she do this, I constantly ask myself. I have been so broke by supporting her. It has sicken me to the point of throwing up from all the stress. Yesterday was Monday, I should have money still, nope, I got about $30 bucks to my name. The dogs need food, we need food, mom needs her medicine, and the wants and needs to not stop there. I am so ashamed of myself for being in this spot. Granted I will be okay, and so will they. I gave mom $20 today for gas (grrrrr we won’t go on that subject) so she could make her appointment in Springfield for the Neurologists. She is having a complete exam done for the Psychologist that we will be seeing Thursday to figure out what is the mental state she is in. I am so dreading this appointment. I have to go due to being mom’s Power of Attorney. Mother is planning on going off on this Dr. for the last time we went the Dr. tried prescribing mom some meds for an infection mom had running in her body. The Dr. prescribed a medicine that would have killed her do to the Cartizam she is taking for her heart. Luckly the Pharmacy caught it and would give it to mom. The Dr. knew of all my mothers medicine and yet still made a simple but deadly mistake. So mom as the sweet lady she so is (sighs) is planning on letting this lady have it. My position is this Dr. we need, so she can fill out a mental statement for mom’s SSI & Disability case. I know what the Dr. did could have killed mom, but gosh we need her help so we can get mom the help. Last time we had went the Dr. talked to me and not to mom. I dislike psychologists but this one I liked. She was really good with mom I thought, and now that she made this mistake of prescribing the wrong drug I feel mom may piss her off and then it’s up to me to find another Dr. We will see Thursday I suppose. I just pray I can get this statement completed before the Dr. decides to kick us out of her office.

~*~*~

My sweet sister Michelle needs all of your positive thoughts. She is going through something that is and will always be my biggest fear. Please visit her blog and send your thoughts to her, she needs all that she can get. I love you my sweetie, you are an amazing woman and you will beat anything that is thrown your way. I just know it. Keep us all updated and call me if you ever need to. I just love you so much!

*~*~*

I am sending my love and positive thoughts to everyone that needs them. Sometimes this world can be so crazy and all it can take to make your day... is comfort from another soul.

This I offer to you ...I pray it can help in anyway.

~Sweet Smooches & Lots of Lovie Love~

Tainted Love's Escape

Happy Holiday Weekend!!!

My New Tattoo

Going Out Tonight

Wicked

Bella Don Jonesy

Life is Peachy ....

Drama Drama ...and Some Heavy Liftin'

Tag I'm It!

Humid Heat Sucks!!!!

An Oldie but a Goodie ...Have a Nice Friday!

Fucking Ants...

The Pissy that is Me Today

Update of Sorts ...

Rainy Days

It's a Nice Day for ...White Wedding!!!!!

Hold Me ...but You Better Not Stink!!!!

Purple Lover Today ...

A New Computer to Come ....

A New Song to Love

Love Your Self!

Happy Birthday To ME!!!!

I Want Spring!!!

Change of View

Super Bowl Day

New Blog Link

A Long Vacation...

I'm Back Again...

Sleet ...Then Ice ...Oh and Snow ...Burrr it's Fucking Cold!!!!

Time Flys

This is Me!!!

Nurse ...Oh Nurse

Feeling Good for a Change

Autumn is Upon Us All

These Dreams ...

Queensryche ~ Silent Lucidity

The Hatefulness that is me today...

Cuddle Time

Baby Blues

Looking Pass Faults

This Friend of Mine

Just Another Friday

1 Year!

A Song to Brighten the Day

﻿Another One Bites the Dust

Happy Birthday Bud!!!!!!!!!!

Breaking the Cycle

Get With It or Get Out of the Way

Hello Again

Jill Pill, My Babygirl Forever

Uninvited

A Blah State of Mind

All Those Things & Morrrrrrrrrrrrrrre

Happy Hippie!

IT HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!

My Devil ...please

Sad Day

2006 ....

What am I .....

Update on Mother

~Electric~

Either or ...I'm Game ~WEG~

~Led Zeppelin "Whole Lotta Love"~

~Live "All Over You"~

Let it Snow ....Let it Snow

I'm Haunted ...beware ...beware!

Wrap it Up ...B!

That's Weird .....LMAO

And the beat goes on ...and the beat goes on.

﻿Believing is Seeing...

That’s that lovin’ sound ...

My Wonderful Weekend ........

Good Day ...Thank the Heavens!

Sad Days Linger On

Nothing New *laffs*

Boo ...*grins*

Before & After

What I See

Wishing the Pain Would Go Away

What I Am

Another One Bites the Dust

Believing is Seeing...

Nothing New laffs

Boo ...grins