To my readers, Notice that I have been in a mood about writing my feelings about my relationship this week. I am not doing this for a "pity party", I want you to know that. I am doing this to heal myself and to figure out what the hell I want to do. Please don’t read further if you don’t want to ....
*~*~*
I want to do something crazy, something no one will expect from me. I just can’t figure out the path to go on. I could have a wicked affair but I think people expect me to do that at any time. I could dye my hair some strange color, but then again ...they would expect that. I could go all gothic on everyone, but then again they’d expect that too. Then there is that big question that has haunted me for years now ...give up on my relationship. I know it would be the best thing I have done in a long time, but I have some doubts. Things I would have to do first to accomplish this would be, find a place to live, find a place I can have my dogs, and get up enough balls to do it. I guess that since I do see the positive in people that might be the reason I haven’t done this yet. He is a good man, really. Now, is he that good to me, no not really. But he does love me, or does he. Thinking about this all makes me cry. I hurt all over when I contemplate my options. I don’t want to hurt him. I can’t break his heart that way. It’s just not me. My heart breaks and aches just thinking about leaving him. Maybe another one of my talks will do it. It’s not like I have told him this week I am close to calling it quits once again. He knows, or I think he should see it in my expressions. I said maybe two words to him last night. I’m so torn. I guess it doesn’t help matters that I can’t even find one person that says "Stay with him." They all say "leave him". Even his best friend, I had discussed about maybe a year ago the problems I am having with him, he even said I need and deserve better and to move on that it wouldn’t kill him. Now that’s from his own best friend. Why doesn’t anyone see the good in him? I do, sometimes. Can’t love come back into our hearts for each other? I do think so. But how long is the wait for that ...2 months ...2 years? Seven years of my life I have dedicated myself to him. Never once cheating, never once betraying him. Why is it that now I want to, or really why is it I plot in my head to catch him in the wrong then I wouldn’t be the "bad guy". I really have done this. Thought to myself ...who or whom could I get to seduce him and then catch him in the act. Then it would all be simple. But really would it be? Wouldn’t I hurt even more by that? The last time I talked to him about me leaving for good, we had a great talk. Things looked like he understood and was going to make some real changes. What happen? Nothing, that is what happen ...simple nothing. Gosh how the tears begin to fall all the sudden. I tell myself to quit crying and it only makes it worst. Suck it up already! Right? But my life is worth any tears I may shed. For they are mine to due so. Crying is such a cleaning of the soul ...in my eyes.
As you can see today is not a good one for me.
My hurt is all over and I can’t seem to shed it.
I need some light ...I need a hug, I need to be told everything will work out in the end.
~tender loving hugs my Friends~
2 comments:
Wow!!!! Okay, here is a big hug! : ). No matter what the outcome is, it will be okay. Somewhere inside of you, you know that as well, even if you cannot see it at the moment. I think I might have been the only one to suggest that you try and work it out a while back as I don't believe in giving up either. But, that could be just me not seeing everything you are going through on a daily basis.
Beware though of making excuses as to why you should or shouldn't stay. Where there is a will there is a way, Aasta. You WILL NOT break his heart if you left. I think that both of your hearts are breaking because you stay together. That is not placing blame, just how I see it with my limited view. You just both seem to want different things, such as the conflict over children and marriage. See what I mean?
If you did decide to leave, you would be setting both of you free from what has been happening. Both of you could move on to better places and things and hopefully get out of life what you want and deserve.
It is a hard path to follow that you're contemplating especially after so many years, but think with your head and your heart about what is best for the both of you and don't worry about what others "expect" you to do. What matters is you make the right decision for yours and Aaron's future, whether it is together, or apart.
Hang in there, okay?????
Hey hun, you know that I am in the same position as you if not more so. In a relationship for 7 years myself, she doesnt think about what I want, you try and try to keep yourself in the mood but you cant turn it on like nothing for them when you get nothing. you wonder if you are the bad person. you wonder why you connect with so many other people but the one you should connect with. But one thing I do know. in the end it will be all ok, either things will get better and break free of the hurt and the pain,or enough will be enough and you'll be better for it still might hurt but it will be worth it. At least thats what I tell myself.
Karn
Post a Comment