What’s wrong with me. Why can’t a kept a best friend? Why is it after years go by something always happens and ends it all. I have a history, you know.
My first "real" best friend was Paula Warnock in Texas. I was 13 she was 12, we never went anywhere without each other. I loved her with everything I had. Shortly I moved to Missouri and it seemed like my heart was breaking. It took me a while to find a friend to love and trust again, her name was Jannetta. Again we were attached at the hip. All through high school till my Junior year. I moved back to Texas in with Paula. Here I had left Jannetta because I just didn’t want to be here any more. I missed Texas to much and thought it missed me. Oh how wrong I was, but I didn’t figure that out for about 5 months. Paula and I were so happy to have each other again. All our old friends were still around, but none of them really liked each other anymore. Too many years had passed I suppose and I had no clue where or when things went sour. I spaced out my time there with each one, but it was enough. Paula had this boyfriend that also lived with us, oh how he would piss me off. Always flirting when she was gone, always prying into her and mine relationship. Well one night he went to far, he told her I had "came-on" to him and that he almost slept with me. Does she believe him .....well of course. And all hell broke lose. I swore to her that I would never and had never "came-on" to him, that it was the other way around and I feared I wasn’t the only one he flirted with. She of course said I was jealous of her, and believed him. At that moment I had never felt such sadness. I left Texas a few days later and moved back to Missouri.
I was so sad that drive back, but a little happiness crossed my heart when I thought I had Jannetta to come back to, I could tell her about everything that had happened and we would be so close once again. But much to my surprise that wasn’t going to be the case, I had just hoped it would have been. See while I was in Texas the group of "friends" we ran with had committed murder of one of the friends. It was the "gang" thing and the guy broke their rule so his punishment was death. One of the guys that committed this was Jannetta’s boyfriend. She had sent me newspaper articles on it while I was in Texas. The whole ordeal made me sick, I knew everyone that was involved. Thank the heavens I was not there and was in Texas. But back to my story... some that know this story know that the first thing I did when we got back (2:00 a.m.), was ran up the road to Aaron’s house. But that is not the story I am telling, back to "what’s wrong with me". Jannetta had changed but we seemed to pick up right where we left off, until the night she decided that Aaron was the kind of man she wanted. Shortly after that she and I was no more, she didn’t get Aaron, but she did get my ex-boyfriend. Kudos to her.
For a few years I had no one to call "best friend". I had lost the only one I wanted and I didn’t want to go down that road again. Years of sadness haunted my lonely heart. Sure I had Aaron, and his friends, but not someone I connected with at that level. Till one day I was in the grocery line and this cute blonde just up and started talking to me like we known each other all our lives. From that time on I had a "best friend" once again, wait strike that I had a "soul sister". But these days lately I feel that I have yet again lost her. I tried to make things better after what happen, a few phone calls, I even sent some beautiful flowers hoping that would remind her of my love. But to my sad surprise I don’t feel the love anymore. I really am beginning to believe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am haunted. Maybe I a doomed. Maybe I just fuck things up all the time. Just maybe I was/is not made to kept a best friend. I mean ...what the hell is wrong with me? Is it me? What did I do? What did I not do enough.
Today is a sad one for me. I miss her, I miss her smile, I miss her laughter, I miss her hugs, I miss the way she kisses my cheek goodbye, I miss the way people were so jealous of what we had, I miss her kids, mom and dad to death, I miss sharing her here with everyone, I miss the way she always seemed to need me, I miss those "girls-days-out" we once had, I miss the warm feeling that always came across me when in her presence.
What is wrong with me? What can I do? Where would I be if she wasn’t a part of my life, that’s a simple one for me to answer ....I would be where I am today, sad and alone.
~heartbreaking smooches~
2 comments:
Ummmm......
What happened while I was away? I mean, I read you blog and all, but why do you feel you have lost her? Has she not talked to you. Have you not talked to her? Whassup?
And another thing. If you don't feel the "love" anymore.....then why feel sad and alone? Seems like a contradiction. So, my question would be: what are you expecting to feel? And after you answer that: are you setting your expectations too high?
I dunno. I'm not there and I only see what you write and sometimes what she writes. But, I believe that it will be okay and work itself out.
But, I must be off because I am sure I have a few thousand more ants to kill tonight. We had a pest guy come and spray. That time of the month. After he sprayed we have a slightly huge ant problem in the kitchen and bathrooms. Fun, huh?
Don't worry so much, Aasta. It will work itself out.
"I miss the way she always seemed to need me"
That my lovie love is where the problem lies. It isn't that she isn't your best friend anymore, it's that she doesn't make you feel needed as much. Do not mistake her need for you as friendship nor her lack of needing you as friendship-no-more.
We all go through phases of our lives, sweetheart and it is you that she has managed to go through the worst phases of hers. Now she is embarking on a new HAPPY phase. This does not make you more or less significant in her life. I believe that no matter what phase she is experiencing, you will always be very loved by her. Just be patient as she searches the universe for her place and know that you are dear to her heart.
*Understanding hugs and compassionate kisses*
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