The weather is getting cooler and the nights just as sweet. Autumn is among us all. For the longest time I never enjoyed this time, until just a few years ago. Maybe it’s because I have learn to appreciate different things. I am grateful for that. I love to watch the leaves turn in this area, it’s something else.
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Aaron’s surgery is scheduled for October 5th. They told him he’d be on crutches till Thanksgiving. I am happy that something is set but the more I think about it I know it’s going to be rough on the both of us. I mean it’s already started. I go to talk about our financial status and he clams up and gets pissy with me. One thing I also thought about is Halloween. *sighs* If I go to the annual party with out him, he will be so pissed off. But it’s not fair for me not to go if I want to go. *ggrrrrr* See where I’m going with this. *lol* We got in a fight over the weekend, it’s over now but I’m still bothered by what we fought about. See Friday night he left with his brother to "run an errand" and I decided to check my email. As I was doing so I thought ...I’ll check the history on the internet to see what Mr. Aaron had been doing on his days off. First thing is I told him until I get some kind of better security on the computer to please not visit porn sites. He agreed. Well that was a lie, I found over 12 sites he had visited in the last 2 days he was home. Okay I don’t care if my man wants to watch or look at porn, it’s a guy thing. But when it comes to the safety of my computer I really don’t want to have to re-boot the whole damn thing just coz Aaron was bored and decided I didn’t know what I was talking about. So after I see these sites I’m a little pissy because of the damn trojan shit that was downloaded on there. I go and clean the pc up and proceed to look at the history a little more. Then I see it ....he’s goes to his myspace account and looks ...not browses ...looks for "girls in Springfield, Missouri". WTF? Right? My blood begins to boil. Why not look for just "girls", no look for girls right next door to us. (Springfield is like 25 miles away from Buffalo) After I take my time and look through all the profiles he visits I have mixed emotions. First emotion ...anger and betrayal. Which is silly because it’s just looking. Second emotion ...doubt in myself. What am I not giving him right? Third emotion ...slight happiness, because if he is looking for another woman then I can go on my own path and he can go his way. Fourth emotion ...pain and hurt, ...how can he do this to ME. *lol* Well he get’s home later that night and I ask him in a calm manner "Are you trading me in?". "What are you talking about?". *laffs a little more* He tells me he was just bored and wanted to see if any of his high school friends were on there. (Hello ...aaron dropped out of high school in buffalo!) Okay so feed me some bullshit ...go on. Well I was just looking nothing more to it and well you have guys on your myspace. *laffs* Oh yes that’s right I went out and picked every guy I have on there. *laffs again* Okay so why look at porn when I told you the pc is not protected enough to do so? I forgot .... Okay well don’t we have a million DVD’s couldn’t you just pop one of those in if your that bored? Oh yeah I guess I’ll do that next time. *arghhh* Anyways he pretty much tells me he didn’t do it for a reason and he won’t do it again. (Such a bad boy) Blah blah blah ...I love you ...blah blah blah ...I’m happy with you blah blah blah ...no I don’t want to trade you in. I just can’t figure out why and he really doesn’t help me understand. That’s all I ask is to understand and get a real answer not 20 ones that make no sense. So the night went on I got pass it and so did he. On to the next fight, right.
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I feel this week I lost my specialness I carry. That thing that makes me "Aasta". I don’t know where it went but I have to find it soon. I get tired of everyone asking me .. "Are you okay", or "How are you doing". I’m okay ...not peachy ...not swell ...not miserable, just okay and you know what, that’s ...OK. *lol* Maybe if I start walking again with Jack I’ll feel better and with the weather being so lovely that would work. I don’t know but I have to find my thing soon or I’ll just stay okay forever.
To all ...I send my love always.
~autumn moonlight smooches~
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